Page 86 of The Freedom You Seek

“That isn’t true. I’m training hard!”

“You still have a lot to learn.”

“Then be a better teacher.”

“Even I can’t work miracles, Jama.”

This time, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. The last time I’d done it a few times too often in a row, Dion had teased me that one day, my eyes would get stuck. Back then, I wanted to toss him off our horse, and nothing had changed since that interaction. Grumbling, I let go of my irritations. Instead, I addressed Lor again, ignoring Dion’s smug chuckles. “How do you know the way to the seer if no one else does?”

“Larithia was in Kalcas’ dungeon for a while. My father wanted her to see for him, and she refused. So he had her arrested in the hopes of changing her mind and breaking her. Officially, she was charged with having no husband or owner, since she was freshly widowed. I helped her to escape and made sure she had a secret hideout far away from Kalcas.”

“But you were hiding from your family yourself.”

“Yes, but only after I freed Larithia. Because when I returned, my father was furious with me and decided it was time to sell me into marriage. I disagreed, so I cut off my hair and went into hiding in the slums of Kalcas, where I had some allies. Ever since, I’ve tried to get away without being captured. There were too many close calls within the last month alone to risk staying.”

It was awe—and a good dose of jealousy—I felt for the young noble, who did everything in her power to escape the lot given to every Ivreian woman. It only reminded me of how I’d never fought back. I’d only quietly endured my father’s punishments, always swearing to myself to act next time. And if Jelric had survived, I surely would’ve married him in order to appease my parents. I felt like a coward who talked nothing but hot air—all I could do was whine and complain, but stand up for myself? I’d been much too scared for that. Slumping my shoulders, I huffed and was definitely not in the mood for conversation anymore.

I stayed silent for the rest of the day’s ride. Dion tried to interact with me, but since I only answered with vague noises or one-syllable words—hopefully, he liked a taste of his own medicine—he gave up on engaging me in conversation.

I should’ve realized that it was unlike him to let me have my peace.

For tonight’s camp, Lor pointed out a decent-sized cave in the mountains. It was well hidden, and we would’ve walked right past if she hadn’t drawn our attention to it.

I withdrew to a dark corner, far away from everyone, leaning against the cold stone wall and closing my eyes. I was still brooding about how passive I’d been all these winters—just a woman shouting her anger at the cloudslike the town’s fool—and how passive and useless I still was. Being an Amplifier had changed nothing. In the end, I had a supportive role, existing merely as a power reservoir for a Wielder. Somehow, it didn’t sit right with me. If I’d been completely honest with myself, I’d seen it as absolutely justified how much suffering training with Thain had caused me. That way, there was at least something I could have proudly pointed at, something that had felt like an achievement, along the lines of, “It felt awful, but I pushed through and now look at me.” In a way, I’d treated my suffering as my penance. With Dion, though, there wasn’t even a need for training. Whenever his magic was reaching out for my Potential, it was like a merging of spirits, a dance of two souls so different and yet so alike. Supplying him felt safe, warm, and pleasant, and the nasty voice inside of me hated it, hated how my punishment had been taken away, and how there was nothing I could do anymore to atone for all my shortcomings.

I didn’t want to remain the weak young woman who couldn’t protect herself. But how could I change? What could I do to be more than just a burden?

The only good part was that I was able to hide my growing self-loathing from Dion and the others—orso I thought.

I jumped in surprise when Dion appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He stalked over to me in silence and sat down right next to me.

“Talk to me.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“You haven’t been the entire afternoon.”

“Your observation skills are on point today. If that was all, leave me.”

“No.”

I snarled angrily, but the bastard only smiled.

“I’ve given you enough time to sulk, and it obviously didn’t help. So, you’ll talk to me about what’s bothering you.”

I sighed. All those weeks on the road with Dion told me one thing: he wouldn’t stop pushing me. Worse, he knew that I knew. Again, I was too weak to stand up for myself, and that didn’t exactly help me to feel any better.

“I’m angry at how weak I am.”

“Why do you think you’re weak?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I mean, look at Lor. She stood up to her family, took risks to help people, and has been doing so ever since. She can survive on her own. I only yearn to be strong and independent. She is. All I ever did was to be passive, weak, and pathetic while cultivating my anger, but what have I done about it? Nothing. And even now, I’m just the one who needs protection. The one that supports. The fucking useless one.”

“You forgot to mention the one drowning in self-pity and who loathes herself with a passion.”

“I loathe you more.”

“You’re deflecting, Naya.”