Page 31 of The Freedom You Seek

I was convinced that everyone was out to annoy me today, and it was Fig’s turn when he’d completely ignored what I’d said and changed the topic. With a lot of mental effort, I avoided showing him my teeth in anger, and I responded with a shrug instead. “First of all, I had no idea you were expecting me to play storyteller, and secondly, I didn’twantto explain anything to her.”

I regarded him with feigned indifference before inspecting the fingernails on my right hand. I’d cultivated the impression of being bored and aloof for a long time, and it drove the people around me insane whenever I put on this mask of mine. And in the end, that was their problem.

Fig took a deep breath as if he was trying to calm himself, which was interesting as he was the epitome of self-control—not unlike Antas—and the least affected by me. Had I finally gotten under his skin?

“Your arrogance will be your undoing one day. Maybe you can act like this at home, but here you’re under my command—you better change your cocky behavior and fast. We all can see through you, and by now, I’m not the only one who’s more than a little fed up, Dion.”

I gritted my teeth, but with a lot of effort I reined in the blazing inferno of my temper, clinging to the remnants of my own self-control. “So you want it to be me to tell her?”

“Yes. Also, I’m assigning her to you. You have the least responsibilities at the moment, so it’s time to make yourself useful. And that’s an order from your superior.”

I hated Fig implied I’d been more or less useless so far, and more, I loathed he was pulling rank on me—and most of all, that he was right. And even if I’d feel like making an effort and fighting his decision, the thought of Jama being entrusted to Thain’s care was absolutely unacceptable. I might not have liked her, but no one deserved such a punishment.

“Yes, sir. Understood.” For me, our talk was over, and I turned around with the intention of leaving.

“Dion, you aren’t dismissed yet.”

“What?”

My back was still turned to Fig. I heard him approaching, and when he was close, he placed his hand on my shoulder. “This will be good for you. And even though you’re an annoying bastard most of the time, this mission is better for you than the alternative, don’t you think? Cutting yourself off from everything isn’t even half of a life lived. You just have to find the balance, and I think taking responsibility to care for the woman can help you understand that. Who knows, maybe you’ll even like the person hidden beneath all your attitude.”

“You sound like Antas.” My uncle loathed that I had an ironclad grip on my emotions—well, until recently at least—although it had made me extremely efficient in the past. But ever since we’d started this mission, my resolve had been gradually eroding, and I hadn’t been willing to dissect that particular fact yet. Even now, I could feel theimpulsivity I’d fought so hard to bury under layers and layers of pure self-control boiling in my veins.

“Antas is a wise man, even if you don’t want to see it. He just wants you to become the person he’s convinced you can be. Don’t forget, he knew you when your parents were still alive.”

“Don’t bring my parents into this, Fig. I’m warning you.” I bared my teeth at him—and his attempt to play dirty—before regaining my composure. “It’s my decision alone what I am and what not.”

“Yes, Dion. That’s true. And now, you have the chance and the time—maybe for the first time in your life—to do so without the constant, less-than-ideal influence. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”

“Don’t.”

“You can’t ignore your situation forever.”

This conversation headed for a direction I loathed. For weeks, I’d done my best not to think about the absolute clusterfuck that awaited me back at home, and I refused to change my approach regarding how I dealt with this shit only because Fig—and Antas as well—never avoided a chance to put pressure on me. “Am I dismissed? I have a task to fulfill after all—sir.”

“Well, go. But Dion, one last thing. We’re not your enemies, not even Thain. You have to remember that.”

Instead of dignifyingthatwith an answer, I scoffed, saluted mockingly, and left him standing. He was right, of course. Those four were the closest thing I had to people I could trust, but it didn’t mean I wanted to talk aboutmy fucked-up situation. Not to them, not to anyone. Not even to myself.

More importantly, I had to get a handle on this godsdamned impulsivity and all the restless energy inside of me. I needed my defenses strong and impenetrable, and it was about time to get it done, no matter what Fig or Antas said.

I stalked through the camp until I found Jama. She was standing in one of the larger caves, holding a bag in her hand and chatting to Ireas. He must have arrived while I was busy talking to Fig. She flashed a friendly smile at him, and he grinned sheepishly back.

I didn’t like it, not one bit. “Jama, come with me.”

“Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a conversation?”

“I don’t like repeating myself.”

“And I don’t enjoy being ordered around.”

“Fine, do what you want. I’m not in the mood to deal with you and your questions anyway.” That got her attention, and she pursed her lips, for sure pondering if she wanted her answers badly enough if it meant dealing with me. I barely suppressed a scoff.

Ireas watched me with a raised eyebrow, but lucky for him, he kept any comment to himself. At least someone knew what was good for them.

“I’m sure Ireas can give me an overview as well.”

“Since I’ve been told that you’ll be my responsibility from now on, that’s not an option. So, come.” I jerked my head to the junction leading to another cave.