Page 87 of The Freedom You Seek

“What if I am?”

“Well, pity. I won’t give you permission.”

“Can’t you let it go for just this once?”

“No. You need to have this conversation. You’re drowning in your misery, and you’re stuck seeing yourself as a victim. All the while ignoring your true traumas. And this now? You allow these self-destructive thoughts to come out to the surface because they’re safe. Painful, yes. But also the best smokescreen for what’s really hurting you. Instead of dealing with all the shit that happened to you, you ignore it. Honestly, that’s the true weakness I see. Ever since I picked you up from your hometown, I haven’t seen you even try to confront any of the horrors you’ve lived through. That shit will explode in your face sooner rather than later. Stop being a coward, Naya. You can’t change your past, but you can learn to thrive despite the fallout.”

I stared at Dion, speechless. His sermon had been brutal, and each harsh word pushed the dagger deeper into my open wounds.

“You want to be strong? Maybe consider first that strength doesn’t always come from raw power or how well you wield a weapon.” Dion’s tone softened. “Naya, you can’t fly with broken wings. First, we need to heal them. And there’s no way for us to do so if we don’t face your broken parts. And yes, I haven’t misspoken—I mean we and us. I want to help you—if you let me.”

“I don’t know how.” The sentence slipped out of me before I could stop it. “Also, there’s so much more important stuffgoing on—there’s simply no time. And you have your own—”

“Excuses.”

“Not true.”

“Sorry, dear, but it is. I can’t force you to talk about the wounds in your soul—to face your demons. I wish I could because if you don’t do that, you’ll crash and burn at the most inconvenient time, and I want to spare everyone, especially you, that kind of pain.”

“Thinking about the past hurts.”

Dion surprised me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. How he held me felt comforting, and I leaned into him. “I know it does, Naya. But if you don’t face your pain, it can fester and will never go away.”

I dropped my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent that never failed to make me feel safe. And so did his magic. Watching a perky tendril appear, I observed it coiling around my wrist with a comforting, pulsating beat from within its dark, shadowy form. Lately, Dion’s magic started to leak out of him more often, but since I couldn’t help but think of the curious little things as cute, I never complained, even when I woke up completely wrapped in ten or more of them. Most likely, Dion was aware of how this display of magic touched my heartstrings, so he humored me as often as he could.

“Tell me about one of your demons. Just about one.”

I thought about it, and for once, Dion waited patiently through the silence while I sorted my mind.

“My father threatened to kill me if I messed up the betrothal. He wanted to drown me in a lake, and I’m sure he’d have done so. All my life, I’ve been just a failure to my parents.”

Dion would believe and understand me without asking for further explanation. He’d seen the scars and had already found out they came from a lifetime of punishment.

“It’s so tragic when the people who are supposed to protect you unconditionally end up doing the complete opposite, especially when mistreatment starts when you’re young. You were taught not to fight back, instead you were indoctrinated to still love and respect those who didn’t give you the same courtesy.”

Dion sounded gentle but also passionate, and I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t only talking about my experiences. “You’ve been hurt too.”

I felt the small nod in the slight rise and fall of his shoulder. “Yes. And I promise to tell you about it one day. But this is about your demons. I started facing mine not too long ago.”

“But—”

“No, Nayana, don’t distract from yourself.”

I sighed heavily. “Every time I was lying bent over my father’s godsdamned desk, my back bloody and raw, I swore to myself that it’d been the last time I’d allowed him to mutilate me. But it never was. I didn’t fight back, ever. Because if I’d done that, the punishment would have been even worse.”

“I think everything and everyone around you tried to keep you oppressed, small, and weak. What would’vehappened if you’d fought your father in earnest? If you’d run away?”

“I couldn’t have done so. My father is so much stronger physically. And running away? I had no clue about survival skills until I met you all. I owned no money, the law was against me, and…I was too scared. It isn’t that I’d never considered it, but it just wasn’t realistic.”

“I agree. And that’s why the first thing on your journey to deal with this particular demon is to accept the impossible situation you were in. You had no help, and you were powerless. But you know what? The situation has changed. You can leave all of that behind and become the person you want to be.”

“What if I don’t know who I want to be?”

“Then you can learn. And that’s what you’re doing. There’s a fire burning inside of you, and one day, your flames are going to ignite. Then you will soar like the firebird from the legends of old. You say you’re passive. But it’s not true. You’re trying so hard and are on the way to discover yourself, to grow, to face your fears. But most importantly, you’re not alone.”

“I know. I’m a burden to all of you.”

“In one way, yes.”