Page 9 of Sorry, Not Sorry

‘These are the sort of challenges you should be raising with me and bringing to your supervision group. Talking of which, how are your supervision sessions going? Before you answer, you should know I’ve checked the attendance logs and from what I can make out, you seem to have skipped almost as many as you’ve attended. ’

Polly closed the folder and placed it back on the table before folding her hands in her lap.

‘Del, I’m going to be honest with you.’ She spaced her words out carefully.

‘I know how motivated you are, and I know you desperately want to help people, but our work is to support couples to resolve the challenges in their relationships without projecting our opinions and biases. I understand it’s frustrating to see someone’s pain and feel for them, and we’ve spoken in training about how we can often feel helpless in the face of our clients’ difficulties.

However, while you might think you’re being useful, diving in helps no one.

If you get it right, your client learns nothing, and if you get it wrong, then you’ve lost their trust. You went through all this at the beginning of your training, and yet you still seem unable to separate your emotions from your clients’ situations and remain within your professional boundaries.

A key part of your training when you started this programme was the mandatory therapy sessions.

I don’t know how I’ve missed this until now, but you are at least five hours behind your minimum required personal counselling. What’s going on?’

Caught off-guard by the change of topic, Delilah stared at her mutely.

Polly was unlikely to see it her way, but Verity, the humourless therapist Delilah had been assigned to for personal counselling, had been completely wrong for her.

Her persistent probing had put Delilah’s back up and driven her into a resentful silence.

Furthermore, Verity’s tactic of asking questions and then sitting patiently through their allotted hour, as if hoping the weight of the silence would provoke Delilah into responding, had failed miserably.

After three virtually silent sessions, Delilah had quietly opted out of attending any more.

She had assumed, since Verity hadn’t ratted her out at the time, that the therapist was equally relieved to be spared the hassle.

Polly heaved a deep sigh. ‘Okay, I think I’m seeing a pattern here.

Delilah, you have enormous potential as a counsellor, but our first responsibility is to our clients.

That means being aware of our own issues and dealing with them – or at least being willing to work on them.

Counsellors also need support, which is why we insist they undergo therapy to increase their self-awareness and help them recognise their own vulnerabilities and biases. ’

Where is all this going? Delilah shook her head, trying to make sense of Polly’s words swirling around her brain. Crossing her legs, she hugged her knee to her chest, finding a sliver of comfort in the reassuring solidity of her body when her mind seemed unable to focus.

Polly observed her and then said softly, ‘You aren’t a mother hen taking ownership of people’s issues, Del.

If you go down that path, you will crumble under the weight of other people’s problems. It’s critical in our work to have empathy, and I know that makes it tempting to take on our clients’ burdens, but it’s not the best way to help them.

We absolutely must set boundaries if we’re to have any hope of managing our emotions. ’

Polly paused and Delilah’s stomach immediately started to churn.

Oh my God, this is it! Her supervisor clearly thought she was hopeless and now she was going to be fired from the only job she had ever loved.

She swallowed hard and tried to find her words.

‘I admit I haven’t been great at keeping up with the group sessions and I should have told you ages ago that the therapist and I didn’t click.

But I promise that going forward, I’ll do anything to make up for it.

I’ll – I’ll go to every single supervision session…

I really care about my clients, Polly. I know I can make a difference, so please – please give me the chance. ’

‘Delilah, you’re a lovely team member and always ready to go the extra mile, but you’ve got to admit you can’t carry on like this.’

‘I know…’ Delilah tailed off dejectedly.

‘You have the highest number of clients leaving the programme out of all the trainee counsellors on the course, and at the end of the day, our organisation has targets to meet. You must understand that I can’t afford to let this continue.’

And here it comes. All the hours of studying and cramming for the exams, all the time she’d put into helping her clients – none of it counted.

As far as Polly was concerned, Delilah had failed to take the programme and her training seriously, and now she was out.

Lost in a fog of self-recrimination, it took her a moment to realise Polly was still speaking.

‘Before you completely derail all the work you’ve put into the course, I’m recommending a period of suspension from the programme.

I believe you need to take some time to consider your readiness to counsel others.

I want to offer you the time to reflect on how much of your personal relationship baggage you’re bringing to your work, because if you can’t admit your own challenges, then you certainly can’t help others. ’

Delilah stared, gobsmacked. She had absolutely no issues with her past relationships! In truth, she rarely gave the men she’d dated a second thought, so how could they possibly be a problem?

Polly raised a hand as if to forestall any protest. ‘As professionals, we have to do the inner work that stops our personal experiences impacting our clients. I want you to re-engage with therapy to help you through this period of reflection. It will give you the opportunity to understand what’s going on for you so you can ask for whatever help you need. ’

Polly leaned forward, looking earnest. ‘I believe in you, Delilah, and I want you to succeed. I’m referring you to Arne Bergen. He’s one of the best therapists I know, and he has agreed to work with you.’

‘ What ? I mean… pardon?’ Delilah couldn’t disguise her horror. ‘But I’ve already done therapy, Polly. I’m fine!’

‘I wouldn’t be doing my job as your supervisor if I didn’t encourage you to take time out and use the support systems we have in place.

Arne is brilliant at helping his clients see their patterns of behaviour, explore their places of discomfort and draw on those insights to benefit their clients.

We all have issues, Delilah, and I want you to use the time I’m giving you and the support on offer to reflect on your life and relationships. ’

‘Seriously, Polly, why don’t you just kill me now?’ Delilah’s voice rose into a wail. What fresh hell was this? For God’s sake, all I’m trying to do is help people! Her relief on learning she hadn’t been fired was draining away in the face of Polly’s ultimatum.

But despite Polly’s sympathetic tone, the steely glint in her eye made it clear she wasn’t budging.

‘Trust me, I don’t enjoy doing this, but if you’re not prepared to go through all the remedial steps I’ve just outlined, I’m going to have to let you go.

If you’re willing to do the work, then I can consider bringing you back. ’

‘And how long exactly am I suspended for?’ Delilah asked, annoyed by the whimper in her voice that made her sound like a sulky teenager being sent to detention.

‘It’s not a punishment, Del. Work with Arne, and when he thinks you’re ready to resume counselling clients, he’ll sign you off and you can come back.’