Page 22 of Sorry, Not Sorry

Delilah shoved her hands deep into her coat pockets to protect them from the late November chill. The fresh flowers she had just arranged into the brass vase brought a splash of colour to the white headstone.

‘I miss you so much, Mum.’ The silence swallowed her whispered words, and she crouched down to perch on the edge of the marble slab, letting her thoughts wander in the peaceful surroundings of the cemetery.

Salome’s challenge had started as a means to get her job back, but instead it had opened her eyes to a pattern with her relationships she had never appreciated before.

After the conversations with Desmond and Kwame, followed by Carl’s bitter text messages, she had to wonder if she was so damaged that she could throw grenades into people’s lives and then move on without any accountability for her behaviour, much less any consideration about how the men might feel.

If she had so little self-awareness, what hope was there of her ever becoming the skilled relationship counsellor she aspired to be?

She wasn’t a sociopath, Delilah thought sadly.

She cared about the feelings of others, and she knew right from wrong.

And yet, avoiding emotionally charged situations and burying unpleasant memories had been her survival strategy for years.

Sometimes, memories were best left forgotten, but it seemed that between Salome’s list and the probing sessions with Arne, the past was being dragged from a blurry distance into an uncomfortably sharp present.

She ran her hand along the smooth marble of the tombstone and said aloud, ‘Sal’s been on my case for days and I can’t put it off any longer, so I’m going to contact him – Noah, I mean,’ she added, in case her mother needed clarification.

Leaning forward, she tweaked the stems of the colourful blooms. ‘I’m dreading this, Mum. I know I have to do it, but facing the others was tough enough – and I didn’t care about them the way I did about Noah.’

She sat still, letting the chirping from the birds on the branches overhead fill the silence. Dusk was falling and the gates to the cemetery would soon close, but she was reluctant to leave the comfort of her mother’s side.

‘ You’ll be fine, Del. You are stronger than you know .’

Delilah closed her eyes and concentrated hard, straining to hear more. But the only sound was the rustling of leaves as the breeze moved through the trees.