Page 31 of Sorry, Not Sorry
Delilah bit her lip, stunned that he still had feelings for her after she’d let him down so badly. ‘I know it sounds like a cliché, but what I did – it – it wasn’t your fault. I was immature and scared of?—’
‘Scared of what?’ Remi interrupted, sounding frustrated. ‘I loved you and I’d have done anything for you.’
‘I know,’ she muttered, feeling guiltier by the second. ‘That was the problem. I couldn’t handle being loved so intensely – by anyone . Look, it’s my issue to deal with, and believe me, I’m trying. I’m seeing a therapist and everything.’
‘Then, maybe things would be different with us this time? I still love you, you know.’ He stared at her intently as if willing her to confess the same, but she shook her head.
She’d had no idea Remi would feel this way.
He had been so kind and generous to her all evening, and the guilt she’d already felt was compounded by the knowledge that she was about to hurt his feelings once again.
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way and I don’t want to lead you on by pretending we would work as a couple.’
Remi’s face clouded over, and Delilah stared down miserably at her plate, feeling like she had just kicked a defenceless puppy.
‘So, what now?’ he asked with a resigned sigh.
‘I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking – no, begging – for your forgiveness. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my past behaviour, and I’m trying to do better.’
Remi picked up his spoon and continued his meal. ‘How’s your sister? She was pregnant when we were going out. What did she have in the end?’
Delilah blinked, thrown off by the sudden change of topic. ‘A boy. Arin.’ She hesitated. ‘Sal’s fine, although she’s not talking to me.’
Remi looked up in surprise. ‘Are you serious? The two of you were always super close. I can’t imagine you falling out.’
Delilah shook her head dumbly, suddenly perilously close to tears.
‘What happened?’ Remi sounded so genuinely concerned that Delilah found herself confessing to the argument with Farhan and how Salome had barred her from their home.
‘It was all my fault,’ Delilah admitted sadly. ‘I broke my sister’s trust, and I hurt Farhan who’s been like a brother to me ever since he started going out with Sal. Like I said, I’m crap at relationships and at treating people who care about me properly.’
She drummed her fingers nervously on the table. ‘To tell you the full ugly truth, I’ve been suspended from work to figure myself out, and I’m starting to think I should give up trying to counsel other people when I’ve made such a mess of my own relationships.’
To her surprise, Remi reached across the table and the reassuring warmth of his hand over hers stilled her jumpy fingers.
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ he said gently. ‘Sounds like you’ve been going through a tough time.’
She blinked back the tears pricking her eyes, overwhelmed by the undeserved kindness. ‘I wish I knew how to make things right with Sal,’ she said finally.
‘It’s Christmas in a few days. I’m sure she’ll want to spend it with you.’
Delilah shook her head. ‘Christmas has never been a good time of year for us, and Sal and I must be the most un-Christmassy people in the universe. If it wasn’t for the kids, we wouldn’t bother with it. No, Christmas is definitely not going to make her change her mind.’
‘Then maybe give it some time, like she asked. Let everyone have some space to cool down and then call Farhan and ask if he’s okay with you coming over to apologise.’
‘ He’s probably the one keeping her away from me in the first place,’ Delilah remarked bitterly, knowing the accusation wasn’t true even as she said it.
‘Well, you did put yourself in between him and his wife,’ Remi pointed out.
‘I know Salome’s important to you, but she’s married and has her own family to protect.
Don’t blow things out of proportion. As I remember it, you and Farhan have a great relationship, so tell him you understand why he’s annoyed with you, and you are really sorry. ’
Delilah exhaled in frustration. ‘God, all I seem to do in my life is apologise!’
Remi raised an eyebrow, and she shook her head. She had already said far more than she’d intended. ‘You’re right. I’m just being defensive, but it’s been so hard not seeing Sal.’
‘I’ll bet she’s missed you as well, but it sounds like she’s caught in the middle, so do the right thing with her husband and I’m sure it’ll all work out.’
Delilah wrinkled her nose at him and then smiled wryly. ‘It’s sweet of you to say that, especially after the way I screwed things up with us.’
Remi shrugged. ‘Life isn’t predictable, and things don’t always go the way we’d like.
It hurt like hell when you finished with me, but I guess if we were never going to work, it’s probably better we didn’t drag it out and make things worse.
Look, Del, I want you to be happy and if it’s forgiveness you need from me, then you’ve got it. ’
Delilah felt deeply humbled by Remi’s kindness. ‘That’s really generous of you,’ she murmured.
He released her hand and gave her an exaggerated wink as he reached for his glass. ‘See what you passed up? A sweet, generous guy with great muscles!’
She laughed and their eyes locked, and, for just a second, Delilah felt a pang of regret.
Remi had always been caring and considerate and had left her in no doubt that he adored her.
But she had learned enough about herself over the past weeks to know it was that very intensity she had run away from.
She was only grateful that, despite everything, Remi refused to hold a grudge.
‘Maybe we can be friends,’ she suggested hesitantly, although as soon as she’d spoken, she knew friendship wasn’t what either of them wanted. Remi’s ‘Yeah, maybe’ response sounded equally unconvinced.
An Afrobeats song started to play, and a loud cheer immediately went up in the restaurant.
The song was clearly popular, and the waiter grinned and cranked up the volume so loudly Delilah felt their table vibrate.
The party atmosphere made any serious conversation impossible, and she and Remi exchanged wry smiles.
Delilah raised her glass and after the briefest hesitation, Remi picked his up and clinked it lightly.
‘Thanks for coming out tonight,’ he said, raising his voice to be heard above the music. ‘It’s been fantastic to see you.’
Putting her glass down, Delilah tilted her head and flashed a cheeky grin. ‘Would it be really bad to order another side of fried plantain?’