Page 44 of Sorry, Not Sorry

It felt like three months rather than three weeks since Delilah’s last session with Arne, and even the reliably aloof Sigmund appeared to have missed her.

Sidling up to where she sat, the cat allowed her a few strokes of his fur before shrugging her off and padding over to stretch out under the desk.

While Arne made them coffee, Delilah scanned the room, her gaze falling upon a large sepia-toned photograph of a forest. Sunlight streamed through tall leafy trees with trunks that appeared enormous.

‘Is that a new photo?’ Delilah asked curiously.

Arne glanced up and followed the direction of her gaze. ‘Ah, yes. I took the picture some time ago, but I had it framed only last week.’

He walked over with a brimming mug of milky coffee and set it down on the table next to Delilah.

Instead of taking his seat, he went over to the picture and studied it while tugging gently on his beard.

‘I like this photo very much. I lay on the ground to capture the trees at that angle. It speaks to me of perspective.’

‘You mean the way the tree trunks seem so huge?’

‘Indeed. It is a useful reminder how we can look at the same thing – or situation – in different ways. The position we choose will inform how we see things.’

‘That’s pretty deep. I only meant it’s a nice picture,’ Delilah teased. She grinned widely and Arne’s eyes twinkled in response. He walked over and settled himself in the chair facing her.

‘You look happy, Delilah.’

‘ Very happy!’ It was impossible to hide her excitement, and she gave him a huge smile. ‘I can’t wait to fill you in on everything that’s happened.’

‘I was concerned when you cancelled not one, but two of our sessions, so I am pleased to see you back.’

‘I know.’ She scrunched her nose in apology.

‘I’m really sorry about that. I know what a busy client schedule you have, and it won’t happen again.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about signing me off.

I’ve learned so much from our sessions, but I’m ready to go back to work.

I tried telling Polly, but she won’t hear of it until you give me the all-clear. ’

Arne didn’t appear surprised at her request, and he gestured as if inviting her to take the lead. ‘Perhaps you can tell me what has brought you such elation.’

Delilah wriggled deeper into the armchair to make herself comfortable before relating the tumultuous events of the past three weeks.

When she finished, she picked up her mug and swallowed the coffee thirstily before sitting back to gauge Arne’s reaction.

If her therapist was happy for her, his face clearly hadn’t received the memo.

‘It’s all worked out well for me and Noah,’ she added reassuringly, in case he was in any doubt. ‘We’ve been together literally every day since then and it’s like we’ve never been apart. We are so making up for lost time!’

Arne’s expression didn’t shift, and Delilah tried to rein in her mounting frustration. Things were back on track with Noah, and she was desperate to move on from therapy and get her job and her life back. But for that to happen, she needed Arne on her side.

‘You do realise this is good news, Arne?’ Delilah pointed out. ‘Why don’t you look happy about it?’

Arne tilted his head and studied Delilah thoughtfully. ‘Tell me again why you broke up with Noah?’

Taken aback by the question, Delilah was immediately on the defensive. Why did he sound so negative? Surely he should be happy she had made enough of an emotional breakthrough to take a chance on love again.

‘I told you. The same reason I broke up with the other guys. I was scared of commitment and—’ She broke off with a sigh. She knew Arne well enough to know she couldn’t fob him off with a superficial response.

‘Getting emotionally close to someone has always felt scary and threatening,’ she said, choosing her words carefully.

‘But you and I have worked on that, and now I know I shouldn’t connect love or intimacy to something fearful.

I was able to open up and be vulnerable to Noah and express how I felt about him and I’m so thankful he feels the same. I’m confident we can make it work.’

‘Why do you believe things will be different this time?’ Arne’s tone was mild, but somehow Delilah felt under attack.

‘Like I said, I’m much more self-aware than the first time Noah and I were together. You’ve helped me understand my triggers, and that’s something I never took account of before. Arne, I’ve messed it up once with Noah, and I know what I want this time,’ she pleaded, desperate for his approval.

‘You feel sure about your ability to commit to him this time?’

‘Yes,’ Delilah said firmly. ‘It’s still early days – after all, he’s only just ended a relationship – and I’m not na?ve enough to think it will all be plain sailing.

He’s assured me he’s put the past behind him, but I know it’s going to take time for him to really trust me again.

It feels so good being back together and I’m really positive about us. ’

Arne reached for a lined notebook on the side table and leafed through a few pages before peering at her over the top of his glasses. ‘You feel ready to resume your work as a counsellor.’

She nodded, not quite sure if he was asking a question or making a statement. He glanced down again at the page in front of him. ‘Delilah, do you understand why therapy is a mandated part of your training?’

Delilah willed herself not to scream with frustration.

The man was just doing his job, and she wouldn’t help her case by coming across as impatient or entitled.

‘Yes, of course. Look, you know before I started working with you, I didn’t think therapy was that necessary.

But after our sessions, I do see why it’s valuable.

It’s my job to support couples going through emotional challenges, which means I also need someone supportive and somewhere safe to offload my own baggage. ’

‘Not simply offload, but also unpack,’ Arne corrected.

‘To avoid repeating patterns or dynamics that are not working for you, you need to appreciate why they happen. When a counsellor hasn’t taken the time to properly understand themselves, it becomes a problem for their clients.

The more we understand, the better we are at stepping back so we can guide and facilitate healing in relationships rather than presuming and then weighing in or influencing the parties involved. ’

Delilah winced, recognising only too well the description of how she had operated in the past. But that was then, and she was so much the wiser now. ‘Arne, I do get that, but at the same time, therapy’s not something anyone should do forever, is it?’

Arne shrugged lightly. ‘Therapy is a process, Delilah, not an instant cure. It gives us the language, but you know very well how long it can take to repair a relationship with a partner. In therapy, we are working to repair our relationship with ourselves, and having insight alone doesn’t change our behaviour.

I understand your impatience, but while it appears as if you have made some big changes in a short period, it will take time and practice to truly shift your behaviour. ’

Delilah’s elation was slowly trickling away as she realised persuading Arne to sign her off was going to be tougher than she had anticipated.

‘What were you hoping to achieve from our sessions together?’ he asked, sounding curious.

‘To get back to my job and finish my training,’ she replied, trying not to sound as morose as she was now feeling.

‘There was a reason you were suspended. Let me ask, Delilah, do you believe you know yourself well enough to recognise your own biases?’

When she nodded, he continued. ‘What do you think you must do to persuade Polly that you can support your clients more objectively going forward?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose, prove to her that I’m not dominated by my past relationships – which was the whole point of the apology exercise…’ She tailed off uncertainly. What did he want her to say?

‘I believe there is still a great deal you and I need to explore. For instance, examining your family dynamics can be crucial to knowing yourself better. What we learn as children reveals clues to our beliefs and behaviour as adults. Will you permit me to share this observation?’ Arne paused and when she didn’t react, he continued.

‘You appear to shy away from discussing your family history, and if I’m to be frank with you, this suggests to me there is some form of trauma you do not wish to revisit.

While it may be painful to do so, I urge you not to ignore the past because without understanding and processing what happened, you will continue with patterns of behaviour which prevent you from healing and from accepting the love you deserve. ’

Stunned by the therapist’s clinical dissection, Delilah stared at him wordlessly, the blood draining from her face. Without any warning, it felt like the safe, comfortable cocoon that had represented her sessions with Arne had been smashed open, leaving her raw and exposed.

‘Delilah?’ Arne’s voice was deep with concern, but she couldn’t find the words to reassure him, and it wasn’t until he pressed a glass of water into her palm that she came back to herself.

Draining the glass, she wiped a hand across her mouth, conscious of Arne crouched in front of her, his face only inches away.

‘Do you feel better?’ His brilliant blue eyes were unblinking in their focus and Delilah nodded slowly.

‘I apologise if what I said has upset you?—’

‘It’s fine,’ she mumbled, horribly embarrassed by her extreme response and desperate to move on.