Page 16 of Sorry, Not Sorry

Delilah walked slowly up and down the short cul-de-sac of identical red-brick terraced houses, keeping a wary eye out for twitching curtains. It would be beyond embarrassing if a suspicious neighbour were to report her to the police for loitering – or worse, for stalking her ex-boyfriend.

When Salome had texted Delilah a list of her five ex-boyfriends a couple of days earlier, Desmond had been the easy first choice.

It had been more than ten years since Delilah had ended their seven-month post-college romance, and while she had spotted him around town a few times over the years, not having any idea what to say to him, she had simply kept her distance.

Now Desmond was happily married, she was hoping he would be amenable to accepting her apology.

Ten minutes later, Delilah’s patience was wearing thin, and she checked her phone again.

Today was Thursday, which meant that according to the humble-brag reel Desmond had posted on TikTok about the joys of fatherhood and doing nursery pick-ups on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Mr Predictable should have been home by now.

She exhaled with relief when Desmond, wearing the fleece-lined jacket that featured in a number of his selfies, rounded the corner a few moments later pushing a stroller.

Less predictably, a dark-haired woman, who Delilah could only assume was his wife, followed close behind, carrying the child featured in Desmond’s photos.

Delilah got off the wall and brushed down the seat of her jeans, in two minds about her next move.

She hadn’t factored in the possibility of an audience while she tried to apologise, but, on the other hand, having mustered the courage to finally face Desmond, she didn’t have much choice other than to go through with the plan.

Neither Desmond nor his wife had noticed her, and they were now almost at the gate to his house.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Delilah ran across the road and stood in front of him, blocking his path.

Desmond reared like a startled stallion and stepped back clumsily, almost bumping into his wife. He gaped at Delilah and then, as recognition dawned, his eyes widened.

‘ Delilah! What the hell?—?’

‘Calm down,’ Delilah said breathlessly. ‘I just wanted a quick word.’

Her cheeks were hot with embarrassment as she smiled apologetically at Desmond’s wife, who was looking her up and down with open curiosity while she gently rocked the sleeping child in her arms.

Looking from Delilah to Desmond, the woman broke the tense silence. ‘It’s cold out here, Des. I’ll take Damien inside and leave you two to chat.’

After a last quizzical look at Delilah, she turned and walked down the path, letting herself into the house and shutting the door.

Delilah turned her attention back to Desmond, who was staring at her as though in a trance. He hadn’t changed much over the years, other than a few more lines around his eyes and a hairline that was starting to thin.

‘What are you doing here?’ he demanded. He didn’t sound particularly pleased to see her, and now she was actually in front of him, the speech Delilah had rehearsed died in her throat.

‘Um… okay, first off, I’m sorry for turning up out of the blue. I would have called you, but I don’t have your number and?—’

‘How do you know where I live?’ he interrupted brusquely.

After sheepishly confessing to tracking him online and wishing she sounded less like a stalker, she added defensively, ‘You might want to rethink posting pictures of your house on social media. Any weirdo could come looking for you.’

‘I only know one weirdo, and it looks like she’s already found me,’ Desmond said pointedly.

He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. ‘What’s all this about, Del?

It’s been, what, ten years or so since I saw you last – or to be precise, since you ghosted me – and now you just show up outside my house without any warning? ’

His eyes widened and he suddenly sounded panicked. ‘ Christ! Please don’t tell me you’ve secretly had my baby or something?’

‘Of course not!’ Delilah denied indignantly. ‘You know I’d never do that.’

‘I didn’t think you’d just dump me without a word either, so who knows what you’re capable of. Anyway, what are you doing here?’

When she hesitated, he shuffled his feet impatiently. ‘Look, I’m not being funny, but it’s bloody cold out here and my missus and my boy are waiting inside for me. So before we both end up with pneumonia, what is it you want ?’

‘I want to apologise,’ she blurted out.

‘You want to what ?’

‘I want – I want to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ended things with us the way I did. It wasn’t fair and I’m really very sorry.’

Desmond stared at her with incredulity and then turned to scan the street before eyeing her suspiciously. ‘Hold on, is this some kind of joke? Am I being filmed or something?’

Delilah closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to rein in her irritation. After all, she was here to apologise to him, not snap at him.

‘No, I’m deadly serious. Yes, I know it’s been years, but the thing is, I’m trying to work on myself and be a kinder person.

What I did to you back then definitely wasn’t kind, and I want to – well, make amends.

’ She stomped her boots on the pavement and blew into her hands, but her breath was so chilled, it made no difference to her icy fingers.

Desmond thrust his hands into his jacket pockets and stared at the ground. ‘Okay, so why did you dump me, Del? I loved you and I really thought we had a future together.’

When he looked up, his expression was bleak, and she bit her lip and turned away.

This was the difficult conversation she had disappeared to avoid having, and more than a decade later, she was as unprepared as she had been then.

How could she hope to teach couples to improve their communication skills when she didn’t have the courage to communicate properly herself?

What would she have advised her clients in this situation, she wondered, and the answer was clear. To tell the truth.

She turned back to face him. ‘I wasn’t ready,’ she admitted quietly. ‘You kept talking about us getting married and having kids – four of them, if I remember right. It – it felt like you had our whole future mapped out without my say-so, and… well, it terrified me.’

‘Then why didn’t you say something? Was I so hard to talk to that the only way out was to disappear?’ Desmond sounded so wounded that she wanted to shrivel up with shame.

‘No, you weren’t. That part was my fault!

I was immature and didn’t know how to handle the…

the pressure. How I ended things is all on me, and I should have done it better and…

and told you the truth. But, Des, be honest,’ she added earnestly, ‘I did try to get you to slow down on all the planning, but you’d get into a strop or just keep telling me how much you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me! ’

‘And was that such a crime?’ he asked in a low voice.

She shook her head. ‘Of course not. Like I said, it was wrong of me not to speak up about what was troubling me at the time instead of doing a runner.’

Desmond took a breath and blew the air from his cheeks loudly. ‘Fine, you’re sorry. So, now what?’

‘Nothing, really,’ Delilah said with a helpless shrug. ‘We’ve both moved on with our lives, but I wanted to tell you that none of what happened between you and me was your fault and that I’m truly sorry for what I did.’

He gazed at her intently while considering her words and then nodded. ‘Okay, then. Apology accepted.’

‘So you forgive me?’ she pressed, not wanting to leave any room for doubt.

‘Yeah, I forgive you. It’s in the past and done with. Besides, if you hadn’t left me, I’d never have met Mollie or had Damien, so yeah, we’re cool.’

She stifled the brief pang of hurt at being so casually dismissed by the man who had once called her the love of his life by reminding herself how ruthlessly she had dumped him. Karma really is a bitch .