Page 32 of Sorry, Not Sorry

Christmas was over, much to Delilah’s relief, and she could breathe again.

Staying safely cocooned in her flat watching action movies on Netflix during the chilly winter days and nights and taking the occasional walk through the nearby parks had got her through a time of year she had long struggled with.

But without Salome and her family, Christmas Day had felt bleaker than ever.

Not even downing an entire bottle of wine and eating her way through a huge Chinese takeaway had numbed the pain of being separated from the people she loved.

Today was their first meeting after Arne’s Christmas and New Year break, and Delilah was pleasantly surprised to realise quite how much she had missed their sessions.

Taking the steaming mug of coffee Arne had prepared, she cradled it for a few moments to warm up her cold fingers before setting it down and easing off her trainers.

She tucked her legs under her, feeling relaxed and marvelling at how far her dread of therapy had receded.

While Arne continued to challenge her, for the most part he seemed content to let her push the boundaries of their conversations at her own pace.

Rather than worrying about being blindsided or caught out, Delilah now found herself wanting to share thoughts she had never admitted to anyone, including herself.

‘You’re looking well, Arne. Did you have a good Christmas?’ She picked up her mug and settled back in the armchair.

Arne crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair.

He wore a brushed cotton shirt with blue checks she hadn’t seen before and which he’d tucked into his uniform brown cords.

Despite having had a trim, his mop of curly red hair still gave the impression of growing in several different directions at once.

‘I did, thank you,’ he replied genially. ‘It was very cold, but I enjoyed visiting my hometown and spending as much time outdoors as possible. And you?’

‘It was great, if you don’t count falling out with my sister and her husband just before the holidays,’ Delilah sighed.

Arne looked taken aback. ‘Is the disagreement serious?’

When Delilah made a non-committal noise and took a sip of coffee, he didn’t push it, instead picking up a lined notepad by his side and skimming through its handwritten pages.

‘From my notes, I see it’s close to two months since we started working together,’ he announced.

‘Makes sense. I haven’t been at work since the beginning of November, so…

’ Delilah shrugged, as if she wasn’t painfully aware of every week that had passed since Polly’s edict.

Waking up each day with no job to go to had been tougher than Delilah could have imagined.

She was lucky to still receive her salary, but her small flat had never been so tidy, and she was running out of ways to fill the endless empty days.

Taking a trip somewhere just to break the monotony was out of the question as she was required to show up for her weekly sessions with Arne – not to mention the task she’d signed up for with Noah, she thought glumly.

‘How are things progressing with your apology tour?’

Not for the first time, Delilah wondered if Arne could read minds, and she took a few sips of coffee while considering the question.

She thought back to the evening she’d spent with Remi and the unconditional forgiveness he had freely offered.

They had stayed in the restaurant enjoying the music and working their way through two more portions of fried plantain before eventually going their separate ways, and that night, for the first time since taking on Salome’s challenge, Delilah had felt a sense of peace.

Sigmund miaowed loudly as he slunk past Delilah to leap up into the empty armchair beside her, and she forced her mind back to Arne’s question.

‘I guess I’ve finished now – well, almost,’ she corrected herself as she remembered the very much unfinished business she still had with Noah. ‘I met up with the final person on the list while you were away, and it went really well.’

She recounted the details of her meeting with Remi, and Arne listened intently. ‘So that was that. We said our goodbyes and parted with no animosity on his side,’ she concluded with a pensive smile.

‘And how do you feel now you have his forgiveness?’

‘Happy. Really happy. Also relieved that someone actually accepted my apology without throwing what I did back in my face.’

‘And how does it feel to know Remi is still in love with you?’ Arne probed gently.

She stared up at the ceiling and cast her mind back to the conversation in the restaurant.

‘I was surprised although, looking back, maybe it shouldn’t have been a shock given how keen he was for us to meet up.

Actually, if I’m honest, I also feel a bit sad.

He’s a sweet guy and it would be amazing if I felt the same way about him, but I don’t.

It feels a bit like I’m throwing away something good. ’

‘Did you ever love him?’

‘No, not really,’ she admitted slowly. ‘I’ve been thinking about how messed up my expectations of relationships are.’

‘Can you tell me more?’

‘Well, it’s a bit like Goldilocks.’

Arne still looked puzzled, and Delilah grinned at his blank expression.

‘You know. The girl in the fairy story who broke into the house with three bears. When she tested their beds and food, everything was either too hot or too cold. Anyway, the point is, Goldilocks had a set idea of what she wanted, and didn’t compromise until she found the right fit. ’

‘In what way do you see this fairy tale applying to your past relationships?’

Delilah stretched out her cramped legs and wiggled her toes. ‘I feel like I have certain expectations with relationships and if things go off-script, my first instinct is to shut it down.’

Arne leaned forward slightly as if keen not to miss a word. ‘Go on, Delilah.’

Delilah hesitated, distracted by the intense attention. But her curiosity to explore feelings she had never articulated before overcame her uneasiness.

‘I – I do want to be loved,’ she said hesitantly, ‘but not too much. Otherwise, it gets really uncomfortable.’

‘And what is it that makes love feel like too much?’

The words spilled out before she could censor them. ‘When I feel smothered. When I’m not in control. When – when love can really hurt me…’

The stark silence that followed felt so painful Delilah could have groaned.

Why the hell had she said that? Suddenly, she felt so exposed that she wanted to melt into the depths of the armchair, and her mind raced through a hundred scenarios in seconds.

What would Arne think of her admitting such a thing and how could he ever recommend to Polly that it was safe to send Delilah back to work?

It was as if a shrill voice in her head was screaming at her. Nobody in their right minds wants a messed-up relationship counsellor . She pulled her knees up to her chest and clasped them tightly, hiding her face as if that would protect her from the vicious words she was directing at herself.

When she eventually looked up, it was to find Arne watching her. He didn’t appear shocked, and his eyes reflected only warmth and concern.

‘It took courage to admit this, Delilah. Opening up with honesty and showing your vulnerability is a strength, particularly when you seek deep and authentic connections with those you are supporting.’

Arne’s voice held no hint of judgement, and Delilah slowly released her grip and tried to focus on his words.

‘I hear you recognise that intense love can feel overwhelming for you. How do you think this might show up when you work with clients?’

Intrigued by the framing he had placed on her unguarded admission, Delilah tried to quiet the internal voice berating her so she could mull over Arne’s question.

‘I suppose it might trigger me if I think someone in the couple is being controlling or exploiting the other person’s love for them…’ she started, and then sat bolt upright as realisation dawned. ‘Oh my God, that’s what I did with Janine and Brian!’

‘They are your clients?’

Delilah nodded absently as her mind raced to connect the dots of a pattern she could see for the first time.

‘They’ve been married for a long time, and Brian is really fixed in his ways.

He’s used to laying down the law and he knows Janine worships him, so he gets away with it.

He only agreed to counselling because she watched a YouTube show about being more assertive in your marriage and then threatened to leave him if he didn’t change. ’

‘How do you think your biases came into play with this couple?’

‘I should have been facilitating their communication, but I took over…’ Her voice tailed off as things came into focus.

‘Polly was right,’ she breathed, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘I was so bent on getting Brian to admit he was in the wrong that I didn’t hold Janine accountable or even encourage her to explore her part in why their relationship had become so toxic.’

Arne stroked his beard thoughtfully. ‘That’s a very insightful observation. If we take the “I think you are at fault and you need to fix yourself” approach because we think someone is wrong, then we are of no use to our clients. What would have been a more effective approach in that situation?’

Feeling like a student being put to the test, Delilah massaged her temples and thought back to the training material she’d been re-reading.

‘I should have done more to build better rapport with Brian right from the start so he would trust me and see me as impartial. Then, instead of painting him as a bully, I could have asked questions that gave him a chance to articulate his fears about his wife suddenly changing the rules after decades of marriage.’

When Arne smiled, she grinned with relief. Even his tacit approval made her feel like she’d won the jackpot.

‘I suggest you reflect on this further, and we can discuss it in our next session. On a different note, how do you propose to heal the rift you mentioned with your sister?’

Arne’s unwelcome reminder of the dire state of relations with her family instantly crushed Delilah’s sense of elation.

Christmas had come and gone with no word from Salome except a brusque ‘I’m not ready yet’ in response to Delilah’s text on New Year’s Day pleading for a chance to talk.

As the days went by, Delilah was feeling increasingly hurt and sorry for herself.

She had only confronted Farhan because she cared about Salome, and now she was being punished for doing what any loyal sister would have done.

‘Sal won’t even speak to me,’ Delilah muttered, not even trying to hide her resentment. ‘I can’t believe she’s treating me like this. We’ve never spent this time of year apart since – well, for ages. I made a mistake, but she won’t let it go! It’s either that or Farhan’s making her do it.’

‘You sound like you feel she has abandoned you when she appears to be dealing with her own needs. Even if her husband is part of the decision, it may be that he is trying to protect her while they tackle this challenge in their relationship.’

‘Protect her from me ? Her own sister?’

‘Delilah, you have spoken to me of how heavily you leaned on your sister after the shared trauma of losing your parents. Is it hard to imagine her husband might want you to support your sister in the same way she has done for you? Perhaps if you can show him your readiness to minister to Salome’s needs as she does to yours, he will take a different view. ’

She recognised the picture Arne painted of her big-hearted, generous sister, and there was no way Salome would have cut her out of her life unless Farhan was insisting on it.

Her sister loved him, and he was counting on that to keep Delilah out of the picture.

Delilah set her jaw stubbornly, ignoring the voice of reason in her head reminding her of the many ways Farhan had always loved and supported her, and focused instead on her own pain.

‘You talk about one mistake, Delilah. What do you believe was your one mistake?’ Arne asked.

‘I told you. I should have kept my mouth shut about what Sal said about wanting to go back to work and feeling like she was in a rut at home. She did play it down afterwards, and I should have let it go. But I held up my hands to that and apologised to Farhan right in front of her! Besides, it’s not as if she hasn’t mentioned going back to work before, so it shouldn’t have come as a massive shock to him. ’

‘Hmmm. I hear you saying you are sorry and yet I also hear you justifying what you are apologising for. Are you sorry?’

Delilah looked at Arne in exasperation. ‘Of course I am! All I’m saying is that Farhan shouldn’t be forcing Sal to stay at home if – oh !’ She broke off and covered her hand with her mouth, her eyes wide with horror as her words struck home.

‘Oh my God! I’m doing it again, aren’t I?’ she whispered. ‘I’m doing it again . I’m judging my own brother-in-law just like I was judging Brian!’

Arne stroked his beard, and his silence confirmed what Delilah already knew. He glanced up at the clock. ‘Our time is almost up, but I notice you haven’t mentioned Noah.’

Delilah shook her head, shell-shocked from the barrage of truth missiles that had struck her during the session.

It would be far too humiliating to admit now that Arne’s reservations about her impartiality when it came to helping Noah and Zazie had been fully warranted.

In any case, she still couldn’t back out of her ex-boyfriend’s absurd plan while she needed Noah’s forgiveness to complete the challenge which might change Polly’s mind.

‘Nothing to report on that front,’ she said quickly. Before Arne could probe further, Delilah jumped to her feet and picked up her handbag. ‘Same time next week?’