Page 10 of Sorry, Not Sorry

‘You can’t be serious! She actually said that?’ Salome’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

‘You heard me.’ Delilah glared moodily at the screen of the TV Salome had put on mute, barely registering the panel of animated women who seemed to be furiously talking over each other.

After leaving Polly’s office, too upset to stop and update Armenique, Delilah had picked up her bag from her desk and fled the building to find refuge in Salome’s house.

Maya was at nursery and safely out of earshot, and Farhan was using his lunch break to take Arin to the park.

‘So, wait, are you fired or not?’ her sister demanded.

‘If keeping my job means going back into therapy, then I guess I’m fired,’ Delilah said with a bitter laugh. In frustration, she kicked her heel against the sofa, wincing as a dart of pain shot through her foot.

‘Oh come on, Del, you love your job!’ Salome shifted on the couch to face her. ‘What’s going on, sis?’ Her voice switched to the sympathetic, concerned tone Delilah hated. Even more so when it came with sad eyes and a furrowed brow.

‘Can you stop looking at me like I’m a sick puppy you’ve rescued from the side of a motorway!’ Delilah snapped. ‘I’ll be fine. I’ve started over before and I can do it again.’

Salome hesitated, and then said, ‘Well, you’re not going to like this, but I think Polly has a point.’

‘ Seriously , Sal? Whose side are you on here?’

‘Yours. Always,’ Salome retorted, unmoved by Delilah’s outrage.

‘Which is why I think you need to take this seriously. You’ve worked so hard for this, and you can’t just treat it like…

like a bad date and walk out. I know it’s a shock, but Polly gave you feedback to help you improve and you need to take it on board. ’

‘Look, I’m not saying I’ve been perfect at my job, but I do care about my clients, and I try everything to support them.

Just because a couple of them haven’t worked out—’ Delilah shook her head and held up her palms in exasperation.

‘For God’s sake, Sal, it’s not like every single couple is destined to stay together! ’

‘True,’ Salome acknowledged. ‘But isn’t the whole point of relationship counselling to fix people’s problems?’

‘No, it isn’t!’ Delilah said heatedly. ‘It’s to get people to a place of honesty with each other and if that means they discover they’re not compatible, then they shouldn’t be forced – by me or by anyone – to feel like they have to stick with their situation!’

‘Fair enough, but you’ve also said truth can be distorted by emotions, so shouldn’t you be helping these couples challenge what they think is true?’

Delilah stared in exasperation at her sister. Had Salome been listening to a single word she’d said? And how exactly did she think quoting her own words back at her was supposed to help?

‘What I’m saying is I’m not prepared to push women who aren’t getting what they need from their partners to just suck it up. We both know where that can lead.’

She’d already said too much, Delilah thought, getting up from the couch and walking over to the window.

After a few moments, with her back to her sister, she said in a low voice, ‘The bottom line is Polly’s not changing her mind unless I agree to all her conditions.

The woman is heartless – she really had me fooled with her smiley, happy-clappy, long hair in bunches, fluffy hearts vibe. ’

When Salome made no comment, Delilah turned around and leaned back against the wall with her arms folded.

‘D’you know she had the nerve to accuse me of not being impartial because I’m, quote, carrying relationship baggage?

Talk about inappropriate! I have never discussed my love life with Polly, and I haven’t got a clue where she got that idea. ’

‘She’s not wrong, though, is she?’ Salome murmured. Delilah looked aghast but her sister shook her head. ‘I said what I said. Let’s be honest, sis. You have dumped every single man you’ve dated, bar none.’

‘And for good reason!’

‘Really?’ Salome sighed. ‘Sweetie, you’ve been in and out of relationships since you were seventeen and you’ve always got an excuse for why it didn’t work out. I’m not being funny, but have you honestly never considered that you’re the only common denominator?’

‘What does that mean?’ Delilah demanded, beginning to regret not going straight home from the office. So much for this being a safe refuge. Why the hell was everyone suddenly ganging up on her?

Salome tucked her legs under her and gazed intently at her sister.

‘Like Polly said, she has a duty of care to you as well as your clients, and it sounds to me like she’s trying to do right by both sides.

Del, you can’t be an effective relationship counsellor if you’re in denial about your own relationships.

Instead of throwing in the towel, show her you’re ready to work on yourself. ’

‘How exactly am I supposed to do that?’

‘Well, first of all, agree to therapy! I don’t get why you are so resistant to the idea.’

‘Because I don’t need someone else to tell me what I already know about my life and there’s nothing to be gained by constantly raking things up.

What’s done is done and talking about it endlessly won’t change anything!

Who knows what bringing up the past will do?

Think about it, Sal! What… what if it means they don’t think I’m fit to do this job? ’

Salome’s voice softened. ‘Hon, nobody understands better than me how hard it is to open up to someone about what happened. We’ve had it tough, but we need to deal with it.

I’ve told you a hundred times how much it helps me to practise mindfulness and check in with Alison every two or three weeks.

Del, you haven’t made peace with the past – you’ve just buried it, and when you squash things down, they pop up somewhere else.

Please listen to me. Therapy will help you and make you a better counsellor. ’

As if she sensed Delilah weakening, Salome persisted. ‘Alison says that when we don’t deal with the unresolved issues in our past, they will keep haunting us and driving how we feel and behave.’

Delilah stared in silence at the floor, absorbing her sister’s words.

Whether or not she agreed with Salome – and she didn’t – there was no denying that she was fast running out of options.

Was it worth opening up to a stranger and risk losing her job?

On the flip side, if she didn’t show willing to meet Polly’s conditions, she’d be out of a job anyway.

‘If I agree to therapy, do you think that might swing it?’ she said slowly.

‘It’s possible.’ Salome sounded dubious. ‘But therapy’s required as part of your training, so just doing what you’re supposed to do isn’t going to impress Polly. If you ask me, you need to come up with something major to show her you’re serious.’

Delilah frowned. ‘Like what?’

‘Let’s think about this logically,’ Salome mused aloud, twisting her wedding ring round her finger.

‘Polly’s concerned you’re letting your relationship history get in the way.

So, you need a plan that says you agree that’s a real possibility and you’re taking steps to address it.

You know, like in an interview when they ask you about your weaknesses and you pick something and then immediately say what you’re doing to improve it. ’

‘Um, hello! This is not an interview, and I have no idea where you’re going with all this.’

Salome fell silent, and her brows knitted together in thought. After a short while, her face lit up and she pumped a fist in triumph, looking more animated than Delilah had seen her in ages.

‘I’ve got an idea! You know how whenever you dump a man – which we’ve established you do regularly – you block his number, totally ghost him, and never ever give him a reason why – which even you must admit is not only weird but deeply unfair.

Well, here’s the thing. You can prove your emotional maturity to Polly by apologising to these poor blokes you’ve hurt and explaining properly why you dumped them.

It will be a fantastic learning experience and prove you’re taking accountability for how you’ve handled your relationships. ’

She beamed at Delilah, who was staring at her in horror.

‘You must be out of your frigging mind!’

‘It makes perfect sense,’ Salome argued. ‘If a guy broke up with me without a word of warning, I’d be mortified and probably blame myself. So, you can also look at this as doing the poor men a kindness while you’re showing your supervisor you are serious about your career.’

‘First of all, it’s a ridiculous idea, and secondly, what makes you think I’m sorry for dumping them? Even you’ve called some of my exes weird.’

‘Some, yes. But not all. At least think about it.’

‘ No! And even if I am sorry about one or two of them, apologising after all this time would be humiliating and make me look weak!’

Salome shook her head. ‘No, hon. Like I’m always telling Maya, being able to say sorry when you’re wrong is a sign of strength.’

‘Yeah, well I’m not five years old,’ Delilah said swiftly. ‘You can’t seriously be suggesting I go looking for every man I’ve ever dated?’

‘You’re right, that could take a while,’ Salome conceded. ‘Okay then, we’ll focus on the boyfriends who lasted at least six months. There’s only a handful who made it that far and they’re much more likely to have got emotionally invested in you.’

Delilah suddenly felt deeply uneasy, and she studied her sister with narrowed eyes. ‘Who exactly are we talking about here?’

‘ Delilah! Do you want your job back or not?’ Salome demanded.

Delilah nodded reluctantly, and Salome beamed and bounced on the sofa excitedly.

‘Excellent! I’m going to write a list of the exes I think you need to speak to.

You find them and explain why you dumped them, make a sincere apology, and then move on.

Report back to Polly, do your therapy, win/win all round, job done! ’

‘Do you actually hear yourself?’ Delilah scoffed.

‘You can mock all you want, sister dearest, but your boss isn’t taking you back until you prove you’re on top of your own relationship dramas,’ Salome pointed out. ‘If you really love that job?—’

‘You know I do! I’ve trained for ages and it’s the only career that feels right for me.’

‘Then put aside your pride and do whatever it takes to get back on track. If you’re so sure you ended all your relationships for good reasons, then here’s your chance to prove it.

Think of this as, um… Alcoholics Anonymous – you know, find everyone you pissed off when you were pissed and make amends.

Except, this will be relationship AA. Admit you have a problem, say sorry to the poor bastards, and get closure. ’