Page 54 of Sorry, Not Sorry

The cemetery was quiet for a Saturday morning, with only a few people to be seen tending to graves.

Delilah tramped through the grass, still wet from the previous day’s downpour, conscious of Noah beside her, his long legs easily keeping up with her pace.

This was the first time she had brought him here, and after explaining where they were heading, he had lapsed into silence.

He was clearly still furious with her, and on the short bus ride over, he had carefully positioned himself on the seat to ensure their bodies didn’t touch.

They walked down the path skirting the chapel, and as they approached the roped-off section of old graves, Delilah glanced at Noah with sudden apprehension.

Noah wasn’t Arne; it wasn’t his job to listen without prejudice and understand the complexity of trauma and emotional dysfunction, and there was every chance he would reject her when he learned the truth about her family.

But they were here now, and there was no turning back.

If she wanted to keep Noah in her life – assuming he was even still interested – she had no choice but to come clean.

Leading the way, Delilah picked a path around the muddy ground between the graves and past the statue of the cherub, coming to a stop in front of her mother’s grave.

The brass vase had tipped over, spilling a bedraggled, storm-battered posy of flowers onto the white marble, and she crouched to set the vase straight.

She thought back to the painful conversation with Arne and felt the prick of tears behind her eyes.

As children, she and Salome had sought comfort and protection from the person they had loved and trusted the most and, hard as it was to admit, she had let them down.

‘We needed you, Mum. You should have put us first,’ she whispered under her breath.

Perhaps it was only the rustle of leaves from the breeze sweeping through the branches of the oak tree overhead, but as she contemplated the gilt inscription on the marble headstone, she heard her mother’s voice.

Forgive me, Del . Delilah closed her eyes for a long moment, absorbing the healing words she had so needed to hear.

Help me make him understand, Mum, she pleaded silently.

Straightening, she walked back to Noah and looked up at him, trying to muster the courage for what was needed. His earlier grim demeanour was now one of wariness, as if uncertain about what was coming.

When she opened her mouth, however, the lines she had rehearsed on the bus ride to the cemetery disappeared, and she stared at Noah blankly.

Then, Arne’s words pushed through her mental haze.

‘ We can avoid conflict if our partner is aware of the wounds from our past. When we share information, we are giving them understanding about why we react, or overreact, in certain circumstances .’ Arne had urged her to be open and vulnerable and now, under the shade of the giant oak tree, for the first time, Delilah let down her guard with Noah.

* * *

When Delilah finally stopped speaking, there was silence.

Noah had listened without interruption and now he knew everything.

She didn’t dare look at Noah, but when the silence stretched out, she forced herself to look up, and for a long moment, they gazed silently into each other’s eyes. What if, for once, Arne was wrong ?

‘Noah?’ she started tentatively, her throat tight with fear.

Without saying a word, Noah reached for her and wrapped his arms around her. At first, she stood rigidly, unsure of what it meant, but then she relaxed into his hold.

‘I’m sorry,’ she choked, her voice muffled against his shoulder.

‘You have nothing to be sorry about, Del. It wasn’t your fault.’

His words echoed what Arne had said in his office, and she clung to him, trying desperately to believe them.

‘I wish I’d known about this, Del. I would have understood so much that didn’t make sense to me.’

She sniffed back tears. ‘I wish I’d told you sooner, but when we first met, I’d lived my life in two parts – before and after he killed my mum.

After seeing how Farhan’s family reacted – how even Mum’s family reacted – there was no way I could admit what had happened to anyone I cared about.

It was much easier just to say my father died when I was a child. ’

He raised his head and pulled back to look at her.

‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. You acted so weird with me one time when I asked how your mum died that I thought she’d gone through some awful illness you couldn’t talk about.

You and Salome were so tight and didn’t seem to need anyone else, so I never really questioned what happened to your parents. ’

‘With Mum gone, it was just the two of us,’ Delilah murmured, resting her head against Noah’s chest. ‘He didn’t just kill Mum. He took away the life my sister and I had and then left us with the stigma of his crime. Luckily, Sal had Farhan, and even more luckily, I had Sal.’

Noah dropped a soft kiss on the top of her head, and Delilah sighed.

‘I told you before that I’ve been going through therapy.

Polly – my manager – insisted on it if I wanted my job back.

I thought I’d blanked out the “before” part, but Arne helped me see how it was driving so much of what I’ve been doing in the “after”, and how pretending things were fine didn’t stop the past infecting my life.

Since I’ve started seeing Arne, I’m working on blending the before and after.

It’s been agonising because I’ve grown so used to being guarded, but he’s helping me face my demons and sort my head out when my emotions get overwhelming.

He’s amazing – really patient and understanding and kind – and he really listens .

I feel safe with him because he’s not the slightest bit judgy, but he’s also not afraid to challenge me when I’m deflecting instead of expressing my feelings.

You know, I hated the idea of therapy at first. I was so scared I’d lose my job if anyone found out about my past and thought I was unfit to be a counsellor, and I did everything to stop him finding out the truth – until yesterday.

Arne says we learn certain behaviours as children to survive our family situations, but they don’t serve us in our adult relationships.

After I ran from you in the café, I knew I didn’t want to be stuck in this pattern of sabotaging my life any more and that if I didn’t get help, I would lose you for good – and I couldn’t bear that! ’

Noah looked into her eyes and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Del. Truly sorry. I was so fixated on trying to protect my own emotions, I didn’t stop to ask the right questions. I assumed you were playing with my feelings again and that you didn’t care about me.’

For a long time, they stood holding each other as Delilah talked to Noah about her sessions with Arne. When she haltingly explained how Noah’s words during their phone call had triggered her into bolting the day before their wedding, he simply hugged her tighter.

‘You weren’t to know,’ she admitted sadly. ‘Even I didn’t connect the significance of that word to my reactions until I opened up to Arne. While I can’t say for sure if I’ll ever be fully healed, he’s confident I will get to a place where I can properly manage my emotions and make better choices.’

She looked up and searched Noah’s eyes anxiously. ‘But at least now I can stand here and talk to you and be open without feeling like hiding.’

Noah kissed her gently and stroked her hair away from her face. ‘Thank you for being honest with me, babe. Whatever you need from me, it’s yours. I want us to work more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.’

She smiled at him tremulously, deeply moved by the sincerity in his voice.

‘I’m so sorry about yesterday – and before.

What I did to you was beyond awful. I let you fall in love with me and then abandoned you.

’ She swallowed hard. ‘You loved me so much, but I felt overwhelmed and helpless and – and terrified I’d be consumed by my feelings for you and lose control like he did or, even worse, that I’d let you become consumed by me like Mum did.

It’s taken time to figure all this out, but I promise I’ll do better by us. ’

‘Well, it’s way too late for me to stop loving you, but next time you feel like running, tell me and I’ll run with you.’

His eyes twinkled, and Delilah giggled and punched him lightly on the shoulder. Okay, so Arne was right, she thought happily, but having Noah back was worth conceding her therapist had won the argument.

Noah stroked her cheek and then his expression sobered. ‘You haven’t said where he is.’

Delilah stiffened, and her eyes darted involuntarily towards the far side of the cemetery. ‘I don’t want to go there!’

‘I understand, babe. Honestly, I do,’ Noah said, his voice soothing. ‘But he can’t keep dominating your life. Look how much it’s taking out of you to keep hating him. Why not let go of the hurt and bitterness so you can put that energy into something positive?’

‘It’s easy to say, but how do you forgive the unforgiveable?’ Delilah retorted bitterly. ‘Besides, if I forgave him, I’d be letting Mum down.’

‘Forgiving your dad doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your mum, Del.

What happened is unimaginable, and he was your father so you’re going to feel conflicted, no matter what.

But what he did is on him. He was the one who took away your sense of security and ripped your life apart.

All I’m saying is, you don’t have to forgive your father, but you need to make peace with what he did.

I know letting go of trauma isn’t like turning off a switch, but I need you to understand you will not fight this battle alone. ’

She looked away, and he held her gently by the shoulders until she turned back to meet his eyes. ‘Listen to me, Del. You’re the one I care about, not him. I want you to be happy and I don’t want the past to stop you living fully in the present.’

‘But is it okay to be happy?’ Delilah said dejectedly, her voice sounding more like a sigh. ‘For years after Mum died, I felt guilty if I so much as laughed at a joke.’

Noah gave her shoulders a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’m right here, sweetheart, and we’ll face it – him – together. Let’s do this, okay?’