Page 38 of Sorry, Not Sorry

Thin rays of sunshine peeked through the heavy clouds overhead as Delilah walked down the tree-lined avenue, holding on to Noah’s hand.

She knew he was just being kind and she should let go, but she was reluctant to lose the comfort of his touch, and they continued on in silence.

At the end of the road, Noah turned into the entrance leading into the park and Delilah went along without protest.

School was over, and in the small playground, a few adults watched on the sidelines as children wrapped in warm coats and jackets over their uniforms climbed the frames and jumped onto swings and seesaws.

As Noah still hadn’t spoken, and Delilah had no idea of how to break the silence, they continued along the path running through the park, navigating children on scooters and parents pushing buggies, until they reached a stream flanked with tall trees overhanging its banks.

They walked onto a narrow bridge over the stream and Noah stopped in the middle and released Delilah’s hand.

Leaning on the stone balustrade, he stared moodily into the murky grey water cascading over the mossy stones visible in the stream.

Delilah glanced at him uncertainly, remembering how often in the past they had stood at this exact spot on the bridge, laughing and jostling each other as they competed to toss pebbles onto targets in the water below, and wondering why Noah had chosen to bring her here.

‘I’m sorry about what happened. Mum had no right to speak to you like that,’ he said, finally breaking the silence.

Shaken by the ugly scene with his mother, Delilah couldn’t keep the tremble from her voice. ‘She’s still so furious with me for what happened. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.’

‘It’s just that she’s – no!’ He shook his head violently. ‘No, I refuse to make excuses for her! She’s my mother and I love her, but what she said was completely out of order.’

He sighed heavily. ‘I don’t know what it’s going to take for her to understand that I need to live my own life, but I’ll talk to her, Del. I promise.’

Lost for words in the face of Noah’s unexpected defence, Delilah nodded and stared intently into the water.

In the distance, she could hear the faint sound of children laughing, and she leaned on the wall, resting her elbow against his as they watched a couple of brown-feathered ducks waddle across the grassy bank and into the stream, their flapping wings sending fat drops of water into the air.

‘Zazie said you went to see her at work,’ Noah said eventually.

‘Yes.’ It was hard to tell from his voice how he felt about it, and she glanced sideways at him and then quickly looked away, following the progress of the ducks down the fast-flowing stream.

She felt him turn towards her but didn’t dare to meet his eyes for fear of spilling the beans about Zazie’s shady tactics.

Not that she was much better, Delilah thought sadly.

She had kept so many things from Noah, and even now, he had no idea why she had really agreed to his stupid plan.

‘I appreciate you doing that. I know you’re busy,’ Noah added after a while.

The ducks were now in the distance, and Delilah turned away from the stream to face him. This, at least, was her truth to tell. ‘No, I’m not.’

‘What?’

She thrust her hands into the pockets of her jeans and forced herself to meet his eyes.

‘I’m not working. I’ve been suspended. Truth is, I’m not exactly the best trainee relationship counsellor and, well…

let’s just say that I’ve been told to sort out my own issues before I can get my job back.

So, I’ve been trying to make amends to people I’ve hurt in the past and show my boss I’m self-aware enough to do my job properly. ’

Delilah held her breath in the tense silence that followed, bracing herself as she waited for the bomb to drop.

‘Is that why you showed up out of the blue asking for my forgiveness?’

Delilah nodded miserably. Now he knew she’d lied to him – or at the very least withheld the full truth – there was no chance on earth he’d forgive her.

Everything she had gone through from dealing with Noah’s hostility, trying to help Zazie, and facing his mother’s vitriol, had basically been for nothing.

She turned away as tears filled her eyes, and to her confusion, Noah gently turned her face back towards him, stroking away a tear that had spilled onto her cheek.

Their eyes locked, and her breath quickened.

She could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest and moments later, without breaking eye contact, he pulled her so close that she could feel his heart beating against hers.

He lowered his head and the instant their lips touched, Noah groaned and pulled her closer, his fingers cradling her head.

His lips, warm and sensuous, moved feverishly over her face and neck before returning to her lips, kissing her deeply until she couldn’t think straight.

She kissed him hungrily and stroked his face, relishing the taste of him and the feel of his stubble against her touch.

She didn’t care who might see them as she arched her body into his, burning with the need to hold him as close as possible.

Then, as suddenly as Noah had reached for her, he let her go, leaving Delilah gasping for breath and desperate to be back in his arms. He closed his eyes as if he was in pain and ran a trembling hand through his hair, his breathing as ragged as if he’d run a mile.

Although a part of her wanted to curl up and die at the brusque rejection, a bigger part couldn’t stop herself from moving up against him or reaching up to encircle his neck with her arms.

‘ Noah … ? ’ she whispered with agonised urgency.

‘Don’t, Delilah.’

She flinched and stared at him in frustration. ‘But?—’

‘—but nothing . I’m with Zazie now.’ He wrenched her arms from around his neck and turned away, his shoulders heaving as he took in deep, uneven gulps of air.

His words were like a hot steel dagger piercing her heart and for a long moment, Delilah closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to absorb the pain. But she couldn’t leave it.

‘I know you’re with Zazie,’ she said quietly, ‘but do you love her? Really love her?’

When he appeared to hesitate, she persisted. ‘Because if you don’t?—’

‘Of course I do!’ he said harshly. ‘Do you think I’d be putting myself through this mess with you if I didn’t want Zazie and me to have a future together – if I didn’t love her?’

It felt like she was drowning under a wave of pure anguish. ‘So why did you kiss me?’ she pleaded.

‘I shouldn’t have. It was a mistake. I was feeling sorry for you after what my mum said and… well…’

She could feel the heat start in her chest and work its way up to erupt into her face.

If he had slapped her, it would have hurt less.

If Noah’s goal was to humiliate her, he was doing a great job, but she had nothing left to lose and deep in her soul, she knew Noah still had feelings for her. He had to!

‘I’ve said I’m sorry for – for what happened between us a hundred times! Noah, what more can I do?’ she begged.

‘“For what happened”? You can’t even say the words, can you?

You dumped me twenty-four hours before we were supposed to take vows to spend the rest of our lives together.

You broke up with me over the phone without a word of explanation and then disappeared.

And then, after literally years of silence, you show up out of the blue because your job is at risk – to say what?

Sorry? And I’m supposed to just let it all go and forgive you?

What the fuck, Delilah! What don’t you understand? You broke me!’

Delilah’s hand flew to her mouth, stunned by the raw pain in his eyes. Her heart felt like it was cracking in her chest and any vestige of hope that the kiss had meant something disappeared, leaving her utterly defeated.

‘Do you know how hard it’s been to trust any woman again after what you did to me?’ He looked away, and she could see the muscle at the side of his jaw working as he fought for control. After a few moments, he turned back, looking her straight in the eyes.

‘Maybe I don’t love Zazie in the same way I loved you, but she’s a great girl. She’s honest and transparent and I know she genuinely cares for me. But d’you know the biggest thing she’s got going for her? She’s not you!’