Page 20 of Sorry, Not Sorry

‘Who’s next?’ Salome asked brightly.

‘Why do you sound like you’re enjoying all this?’ Delilah asked waspishly. Twenty-four hours after consuming more alcohol than she’d had in months, she was curled up on the sofa in her sister’s living room with gritty eyes and a pounding headache.

‘Well, it’s not like I’ve got much going on in my own life, is it?’

Delilah looked up in surprise at the aggrieved tone in Salome’s voice.

She had put Sal’s tired eyes and the dull pallor of her usually flawless skin down to the after-effects of flu and the toll of nursing her sick household, but the uncharacteristically sour comment was an immediate red flag.

It suddenly struck Delilah that almost every conversation since she’d been suspended from work had centred on Delilah’s problems, and not once had it occurred to her to ask Sal if she was okay.

When had she become so self-absorbed that she’d stopped checking in with her sister?

Had she become so selfish that she didn’t notice other people’s troubles?

‘What’s going on, Sal?’ she asked tentatively. ‘You look exhausted.’

‘I don’t know, hon.’ Salome’s normally upbeat voice sounded bleak.

She massaged her temples with her fingers and then sat up straight and exhaled noisily.

‘I’m so lucky I can be at home with my children, and don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful.

It’s just sometimes my life feels like an endless round of cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, and wiping snotty noses. ’

Delilah’s mouth fell open as she stared at Salome in shock.

What the hell is going on? If there was anyone on the planet who was born to be a wife and mum, it was her sister.

Salome was the ultimate Earth mother – from her spotless, perfectly decorated home to her love of cooking huge, freshly made meals for her family.

For as long as Delilah could remember, Salome had loved nothing more than taking care of everyone – including her younger sister.

‘Okay, I’m so confused. Sal, where’s all this coming from? I thought you loved staying at home with Arin?’

Salome turned her face away. ‘I do love having this time with Arin, but it can get soul destroying being stuck at home, and we can’t afford to put both kids into full-time nursery.

I know it’s not forever, and the children will be grown in no time, but—’ Her voice cracked, and she broke off mid-sentence, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground.

‘It gets to me sometimes, that’s all,’ she confessed in a low voice.

Salome was the most positive person in the world, which made her hunched posture and dispirited tone not only astonishing, but completely baffling.

‘I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately but… but why have you never said anything?’ Delilah asked carefully. ‘I had absolutely no idea you’ve been feeling like this. Have you talked to Farhan?’

As if she’d already said too much, Salome pasted a smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘Look, ignore me, okay? It’s just one of those days and I’m being silly and having a moan.’

Delilah shook her head, refusing to be fobbed off. ‘I’m serious, Salome. What’s going on? Please talk to me.’

Salome’s smile faded, and she leaned back into the cushions, her eyes resting on the large family portrait hanging over the mantelpiece.

‘I sound so ungrateful! I love Farhan and adore my kids, but I’m desperate to do something for me for a change.

I miss the buzz of work and, yes, I know PR isn’t rocket science, but at least back then, before I had kids, I was able to talk to other people and use my brain. ’

‘Could you look for a job, then?’ Delilah suggested, trying to make sense of the revelation that Salome, who was everyone’s rock and the person whose strength they all took for granted, was herself floundering.

Salome looked disconsolate. ‘I don’t know.

I’ve been out of the game so long, I’d have to take a salary cut – assuming anyone would even want to hire me – and then I could only do part-time because of the kids.

Farhan says having both kids in full-time nursery would eat up whatever I earned and take time away from Maya and Arin.

He has a point, but it feels like life’s passing me by and the longer I stay out of the market, the harder it will be to ever get back in… ’ Her voice trailed into silence.

‘But Sal, if you feel this strongly about it, you have to tell Farhan how important it is to you and then stick to your guns! The man worships the ground you walk on, and he’d hate knowing you feel like this.’

‘I can’t!’ Salome burst out. ‘He’s carrying all of us financially at the moment, and I don’t want him to feel bad.

He’s already chosen to work from home so he could help out with the kids when, quite frankly, it would be better for his career if he spent more time in the office.

He’s so keen to prove his value to the company that he’s dragged himself back to work even though he’s feeling rocky.

Besides, even if Farhan agreed, I’d still feel guilty for leaving Arin so early. ’

‘Loads of kids of his age go to nursery. Arin would be fine!’ Delilah tried not to sound exasperated.

‘Putting your kids into nursery doesn’t make you a bad mother, and it sounds to me like you’re stressing yourself out when you don’t have to.

Why must you try so hard to have every single thing be perfect? ’

Salome winced, and Delilah instantly felt remorseful. She knew only too well why her sister felt the need to control her environment, but suppressing her own needs and ambitions was clearly having a detrimental effect.

‘I just want it to be different for my kids than it was for us,’ Salome said quietly. ‘You know what? Forget it! I shouldn’t have said anything to you – that’s what Alison’s for,’ she added.

Delilah looked sceptical but Salome shook her head decisively. ‘I mean it, hon, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Right then, change of subject. How’re you feeling after what happened with Carl?’

When she put her mind to it, Salome could be twice as stubborn as Delilah on a good day, and judging from the look on her sister’s face, Delilah knew nothing she said would make her talk if she didn’t want to.

Making a mental note to find another opportunity to return to the conversation, she went along with Salome’s wishes.

‘You read Carl’s messages – take a guess how I’m feeling after finding yet another man who hates me! After all his antics, apparently I’m the one who’s so toxic that he refuses to meet me. So it looks like I have to settle for forgiveness by text this time.’

Delilah couldn’t help the slight tremor in her voice, and it was Salome’s turn to study her sister.

‘Del,’ she started hesitantly. ‘Can I ask what you’re learning from all this? I mean, about how you’ve managed your relationships?’

‘Christ, you sound exactly like Arne!’ Delilah groaned. ‘Well, if you really want to know, my biggest takeaway is finding out every man I’ve dated thinks I’m a first-class bitch.’

‘Don’t talk about my sister like that!’ Salome said with a loud tut. ‘I do like the sound of your Viking therapist, though, and he must be doing something right if you’re still seeing him.’

‘It’s not like I have a choice, is it?’ Delilah said moodily. ‘It’s either Mondays with Arne or never getting my job back. To be fair, he’s not awful. He’s actually starting to grow on me, but he definitely does not shy away from asking some tough questions.’

‘Good,’ Salome said briskly. ‘So put your back into it and finish the job. Who’s next on your list?’

‘ Your list, you mean. I tried Remi’s number a couple of days ago, but I couldn’t get through, so I called his office. Don’t look at me like that – you wrote that stupid list! Anyway, turns out he’s travelling on business. Brazil, apparently.’

‘Which leaves you with the final name on the list. And , as you’ve just pointed out, I wrote the list, so we both know who that is. So, tell me, exactly how long are we going to keep ignoring that massive grey elephant in the room – and when are you going to call Noah?’

Delilah trained her gaze on the floor, contemplating the question.

Since the day she had seen Noah’s name on Salome’s list, scarcely a night had gone by without him showing up somewhere in her dreams. No matter how hard she tried not to think about him, her mind appeared to have other ideas.

The sleepless nights and troubled dreams couldn’t continue indefinitely and, deep down, Delilah knew it was time.

‘He changed his number after we broke up. I know that, because I tried calling him a few weeks after – well, you know – and it was disconnected. There’s no chance his witch of a mother will give me his contacts, so I’ve got no idea where to find him or?—’

‘I’ve got his number,’ Salome cut in. ‘And his home address.’

‘ What? ’ Delilah’s eyes bulged in disbelief. ‘ How … ? ’

‘He gave it to me a few months ago. Well, not gave it to me exactly…’ She ruminated in silence while Delilah bounced up and down on the sofa with frustration.

‘ Salome! ’

‘Okay, okay ! I bumped into him outside the house one day and asked if he could put me in touch with the gardener that cuts the grass in his mum and dad’s garden.

He texted me Ben’s number – and the man’s been a godsend!

Farhan never has time to mow the lawn, and at one point we had so many weeds, I was terrified of letting the kids out. ’

Delilah held up a hand to cut off the rambling. ‘I get it, you’ve got his number. But how the hell did you get his address?’

‘I asked Mrs West. Told her I wanted to send him a thank you card. Like I said, Ben’s been an absolute godsend.’

Delilah was still trying to make sense of Salome’s admission. ‘You mean, you’ve known all this time… but… but why didn’t you say?’

Salome shook her head. ‘That’s not important,’ she said impatiently. ‘What matters is you know how to contact Noah, so get on with it! You’ll have to face him at some point to ask his forgiveness, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you’ll get your job back.’