Page 48 of Sorry, Not Sorry

As Delilah hurried out of the park with Noah, there was no trace of the earlier sunshine.

The rain clouds were rapidly thickening, and the sharp breeze had picked up strength, whipping dead leaves and abandoned litter on the high street up into the air.

Minutes later, a flash of lightning ripped across the sky followed by a loud clap of thunder, and suddenly the heavens opened to torrential rain.

Delilah shrieked and grabbed Noah’s hand, and they raced across the road to the greengrocers to stand under a flimsy canopy overhanging a display of fruit and vegetables while the rain thundered down.

Spotting a café nearby, they dashed along the pavement, almost tripping in their haste to get through the door.

Inside, the only sign of life was a bored-looking blonde woman leaning on the cash register and listening to the radio.

The dim lighting didn’t disguise the dated décor and basic furnishings, but with the thunderstorm raging outside as their only alternative, Delilah quickly slid into a booth by the window while Noah squeezed his tall frame into the seat opposite.

Plucking a handful of tissues from the dispenser on the table, she dabbed her wet arms while Noah tried to brush off the raindrops clinging to his close-cropped hair.

‘Bloody hell! That was wild!’ Leaning forward, he reached across the table and gently wiped a few droplets from Delilah’s face with his thumb.

‘What can I get you both?’ The woman at the counter strolled over, making a show of tightening the straps on a tiny apron that barely covered the top half of her skintight jeans.

Tucking a long strand of blonde hair behind her ears, she fixed her gaze onto Noah, or rather onto the damp black T-shirt clinging to his broad shoulders and muscular torso.

‘Del, what do you fancy – tea?’ Noah asked, tossing his rain-spattered jacket onto the dark green faux-leather banquette. When Delilah nodded, he glanced at the waitress.

‘Two teas, please.’

‘Fancy anything else?’ The woman nodded towards a small selection of sandwiches and pastries under a glass counter by the cash register, but her raised eyebrow and a slight inflection in her tone made it clear that food wasn’t the only thing on offer.

Delilah immediately bristled, but Noah shook his head in warning before she could speak. ‘Nah, we’re good, thanks,’ he said evenly. ‘Just the tea.’

The waitress went off and Noah, his lips twitching, reached across the table for a quietly seething Delilah’s hand.

‘The cheeky cow!’ Delilah fumed. ‘ Imagine! She seriously thinks it’s okay to flirt with you while I’m literally right here! And who the hell would risk their life eating one of those dusty cakes that look like they’ve been sat there for days!’

Noah burst out laughing and Delilah glared at him for a moment, and then reluctantly smiled. ‘Sorry, but it’s so annoying when someone thinks they can just come on to your man like that.’

‘Hey, don’t apologise to me. It’s actually quite nice to see you get a bit jealous. At least it shows you care.’

‘Of course I care,’ she protested. He raised an eyebrow, looking unconvinced, and Delilah added quickly, ‘I just don’t want us to rush things. That’s all I was trying to say before.’

The waitress brought their tea and while Noah emptied three sachets of sugar into his mug and stirred the contents vigorously, Delilah gnawed her lip anxiously.

Her communication skills toolkit wasn’t doing much to help her find the words that would keep Noah happy and give their relationship space to deepen at a pace she could handle.

It wasn’t unreasonable for Noah to doubt her commitment, given their history, but with so many things in her life out of kilter, she couldn’t help feeling pressured by the weight of his expectations.

Delilah stifled a yawn while trying to focus on Noah’s story about an incident at work.

Being in love hadn’t improved her poor sleep patterns which, if anything, had worsened over the past few weeks.

Broken nights filled with vivid, tearful dreams she couldn’t recall when she woke up were leaving her drained and unsettled, a state of mind not helped by the uncertainty of her job situation.

Knowing she had to speak to Polly was one thing, and doing it was another.

In the meantime, with no definitive answer about the status of her stalled career, Delilah felt stuck.

But it wasn’t the frustration of treading on verbal eggshells with Noah or even the uncertainty surrounding her job that was really throwing Delilah off balance.

As much as she tried to deny it, the situation with Arne was weighing heavily on her.

While she hated his intrusiveness and feared his tactics, she also knew he was right that their sessions had only scratched the surface.

She still couldn’t explain the fury Arne had provoked in her that day in his office, and she was troubled by the way things had ended.

If she was honest, she was also badly missing having someone objective she could talk to about the conflicting emotions building up inside and the nagging fear that they would overwhelm her.

Delilah’s positive mood of the morning was changing along with the rain that had now turned into hailstones noisily battering the café windows.

She knew she should talk to Noah about the worries pressing on her, but she dreaded the idea he might think she was blaming him or their rekindled relationship.

Listening to him with half an ear and injecting the occasional murmur of agreement, she stared into her half-empty cup, rehearsing different scenarios for communicating with Noah.

‘Hey, Earth calling!’

Startled, Delilah looked up. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised. ‘I was listening, I swear. My mind just wandered for a second.’

Noah leaned in, his eyes bright with excitement. ‘Well, stay focused cos there’s something I want to tell you. Remember that surprise I mentioned?’

‘Remember I hate surprises?’ she countered, smiling to take the edge off her words.

‘Well, you’re definitely not going to hate this one!

Drumroll, please… Okay, never mind. Guess what?

I’ve booked us a trip – five whole days in Morocco!

We can finally have that honeymoon we cancelled.

I’ve got the time off work, and we go next week.

I know you’ve been feeling down about not working so I thought a few days off with just the two of us would cheer you up.

Now, imagine you and me walking through the souks of Marrakesh, then chilling on a beautiful beach.

’ He grinned and bowed. ‘Go on, here’s where you tell me what an amazing boyfriend I am. ’

Delilah dropped her cup onto the saucer with a clatter and stared blankly at his jubilant expression.

With so much uncertainty in her life, the last thing she felt like doing was going abroad on holiday.

It was clear Noah expected her to be elated by his news when all she felt was dismay, and the excuses came immediately.

‘Noah, that sounds expensive. I can’t afford?—’

‘You don’t have to. It’s my treat!’ He looked so pleased with himself that she felt awful for not jumping with joy at the prospect of a few days together in the sun. She looked through the window where the hailstones had turned back into sheeting rain, struggling to find the right words.

‘I don’t – I don’t think this is the right time…

’ she started hesitantly, turning back to face him.

‘I need to speak to Polly, remember, and, um… well, you never know. She might still want me to come back to work, and I’ll need to be available.

Besides, I’ve put in some job applications, and I should stick around in case I get called for an interview… ’ She tailed off with a helpless shrug.

‘You’ll have your phone on you, and we’ll only be away for a few days,’ Noah said patiently. ‘Nothing you’ve said can’t wait until we get back.’

When she still looked troubled, his expression shifted. ‘I thought this would make you happy, so why are you looking like I’ve just offered you two weeks of hard labour?’

She dredged up a weak laugh at his attempt to lighten the mood but couldn’t find the words to reassure him.

‘What’s going on, Del?’ Noah’s face had lost its humour.

Delilah suddenly felt exhausted. She rubbed her temples, feeling guilty for seeming unappreciative, and wishing she could be anywhere but here. Noah was trying to be supportive, but she had so much on her plate already without the added stress of managing his emotions.

‘I thought we’d agreed to take things slow,’ she said finally.

He looked pained. ‘No, y ou said that, not me. I don’t get it – why are you being so negative? I’ve been practically living at your place, so how does going on holiday for a few days suddenly become a problem? Jesus, Del, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me!’

Delilah flinched as if he had struck her and turned away, staring at the rain-soaked pavements outside through a blur of tears.

‘Can I get you some more tea?’ The waitress appeared at their table and Delilah shook her head without turning.

‘We’re fine, thanks,’ Noah said heavily.

Delilah blinked back the tears and turned back, and after staring at her curiously, the waitress shrugged lightly and walked away.

‘Sorry,’ Noah muttered. He rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled loudly. ‘I’m just frustrated. What’s going on in your mind, Del? Please talk to me.’

She peeked up through her lashes at him, consumed with guilt for ruining what had been, until now, a perfect day. ‘I… I… It just feels like…’

‘Like what?’

She could tell he was trying not to sound exasperated, but when she tried to explain, her chest tightened, and her throat felt clogged.

Noah had every right to be furious with her and she knew she owed him the truth, but as much as she could feel them hurtling towards disaster, she had no idea how to pull them back.

‘Okay, now you’re really scaring me. Delilah, what’s wrong?’ Noah leaned in closer, and his voice took on an urgency mirrored on his face. ‘ What is going on with you? Is it something I’ve said or done or…?’

The persistent barrage of questions instantly pushed Delilah onto the defensive and her words spilled out before she could filter them. ‘You’re pressuring me, Noah! It – it… all of it. It just feels like a lot right now, and…’

She floundered, lost for words, and swallowed hard. Everything had been going so well. Why did he have to push things all the time?

Noah couldn’t have looked more shocked if she’d slapped him.

For one long, agonising moment he simply stared at her, and then he slumped back in his seat.

Any trace of his earlier brightness had drained away as he brushed a weary hand across his face.

Staring down at the table, he slowly shook his head.

‘Are we really here again?’ he asked quietly.

‘What – what do you mean?’ Delilah stammered, her stomach churning.

Noah looked up at her, and she could have wept at the blend of disbelief and despair in his eyes. ‘I mean, are you getting cold feet about us again? Are we really back where we were three years ago… after… after everything ?’

She swallowed the sob tearing at her chest and leaned forward, clutching his arm as if it was a life rope. ‘Noah! It isn’t you. I promise ! There’s a lot going on in my head that I’m trying to process and you – us… sometimes it can feel like?—’

‘Like what ?’ His eyes looked bruised with pain as he harshly interrupted her halting attempts to explain herself. ‘I thought you were happy we’re back together. I didn’t realise being with me was so damned stressful!’

The tears spilled unchecked down Delilah’s cheeks while her trembling fingers clung onto Noah’s arm. She felt rather than saw the waitress looking curiously in their direction, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was to wipe the sadness from Noah’s face.

‘ Please ,’ she whispered tearfully, feeling utterly wretched.

‘It’s not you – it’s me. It’s me ! I’m the one with issues.

You’ve been nothing but lovely. After everything I’ve done, you still want to take me on holiday and instead of sounding grateful, I’m being an insensitive cow! Noah, please… just give me time.’

‘Time for what ? How much time?’

‘I don’t know!’ She shook her head, knowing she sounded irrational even as she silently pleaded with him to understand what she couldn’t explain.

Noah’s gaze travelled over Delilah’s distraught, tear-stained face for what felt like forever. ‘It’s not just you – I’m part of this. If you’ve got issues then they affect me too, so talk to me! I love you, Delilah, and I’m 100 per cent in this. What do I need to do to prove it?’

Despite the words, his voice sounded hollow, as if he had already given up on them.

‘I’m… sorry, Noah…’ Delilah’s chest was so tight that she could scarcely get the words out.

He stared at her, bemused. ‘What’s happening here, Del?’ he said forcefully. ‘Please don’t do this to us. I love you… Dammit, I adore you .’

In an instant, everything merged into a blinding kaleidoscope. The words, the rain beating against the windows, feeling trapped inside the booth, Noah’s hurt, angry face demanding her love, demanding answers she couldn’t give.

Terrified, Delilah looked around frantically, desperate to escape.

‘ Delilah! ’

Noah’s urgent plea was like an injection of adrenaline, like a bolt of lightning shooting through her and pumping up her heart rate so fast, she thought she would pass out. She stared at him with wild eyes, her mind, her body, everything screaming at her to run.

‘I’m sorry!’ she gasped, wringing her hands helplessly. ‘I – I can’t?—’

Overwhelmed and panicked, she couldn’t think straight. She dragged herself out from behind the table and stood up, trembling. As she stared down into Noah’s stricken face, the words she so desperately wanted to speak remained stuck in her throat.

Anguished, she turned and stumbled past the empty tables to get to the door. Through a haze of tears she saw the waitress openly staring, but Delilah didn’t stop. Wrenching open the café door, she ran out into the rain.