Page 23 of Sorry, Not Sorry

‘What are you doing here?’

His voice was as arctic as the weather, and Delilah shivered from where she stood at the top of the stone steps of the converted Victorian terrace.

Noah was literally inches away, his broad shoulders blocking the entrance to the front door.

He was in jeans and a grey sweater that clung to his broad chest and toned body, and she had clearly caught him unawares as his feet were bare.

Although he towered over her, she was close enough to see the charcoal flecks in his light brown eyes and smell the faint tang of the familiar lemon cologne.

When she couldn’t answer, Noah stepped back and made as if to close the door, and Delilah impulsively stuck her booted foot into the space to stop him.

She scoured his face hungrily, and seeing only contempt in his eyes, she felt the heat of humiliation clawing its way up from her chest and into her face.

She felt wretched knowing she was the one who had caused her funny, loving and affectionate fiancé to look at her in this way.

She had hurt him badly and he had every right to hate her, but he had to hear her out.

‘Please, Noah. I need to talk to you.’ The air felt trapped in her chest, and she sounded breathless, but she was determined not to move her foot and let him get rid of her.

‘How did you even find me?’ The minute he spoke the words, realisation dawned, and he shook his head with a groan. ‘ Salome! ’

Delilah nodded. ‘I swear I didn’t know she had your address until a few days ago. I tried and tried to call you after… well, after?—’

‘After you broke up with me literally twenty-four hours before we were supposed to get married? Is that what you’re struggling to say?’ he said harshly.

The reality of confronting Noah was far worse than she had anticipated, and the heat flooding her face intensified as she stared at him dumbly.

In the scenarios she had rehearsed, not once had Noah looked at her with such fury and scorn, and she felt her heart cracking.

The pressure of tears building behind her eyes was a warning that she would lose whatever self-control remained if she stayed a moment longer.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I – I shouldn’t have come.’ She removed her foot from where she had wedged it inside the door and turned away.

‘Wait!’

She kept her back to him and blinked back the gathering tears before slowly turning around.

For a long moment, Noah simply stared at her, and then he exhaled as if he had just run a marathon. ‘You’re three years and four months too late but, for whatever reason, you’ve come all this way so I suppose the least I can do is listen.’

While his words proved he’d been keeping track of the time since their break-up, nothing in his expression indicated that it was for positive reasons.

Grateful Noah was at least prepared to let her say her piece, Delilah gave him a half-smile, which he didn’t return.

Opening the door wider, he went up a flight of stairs with long strides, leaving her to shut the front door and follow.

The door to his flat was ajar, and he walked in without turning to see if she was behind him.

Following Noah through a narrow entrance hall into a large airy lounge with a square bay window and high moulded ceilings, Delilah looked around curiously.

Other than a large TV screen which dominated one wall of the room, the only furniture was a sofa and a couple of squashy armchairs.

Noah’s extensive collection of CDs and vinyl records filled the length of open shelving beneath the bay window but, unlike the untidy studio she remembered, Noah’s new flat was surprisingly uncluttered.

She couldn’t help wondering what else had changed.

When she turned, Noah was staring at her.

His expression was unreadable, and she flushed under the scrutiny.

It was surreal to be finally face to face with the man who had haunted her dreams for weeks, and yet here she was.

But while he hadn’t yet thrown her out, she had no guarantee he wouldn’t change his mind.

‘Thanks for giving me the time of day and I won’t keep you long,’ Delilah started. He remained silent, and she bit her lip nervously. ‘Look, I… I know I’m the last person you would ever want to see, and?—’

She stopped. It was no use. She couldn’t think straight with him looking at her, and she was mortified by how inarticulate she sounded. Get on with it, Del! She took a breath and tried again.

‘I’ve wanted to talk to you for such a long time, but you…

you disappeared and – well, your mum hates me and refuses to speak to me.

I was too embarrassed to call any of your friends to find out how you were and, I suppose if I’m honest, I was scared of what they’d say to me.

Sal told me where to find you and I decided to come over rather than ring you because…

because I wasn’t sure you’d take my call. ’

Still, Noah said nothing, and Delilah ploughed on. ‘The thing is, I wanted to let you know how much I regret the way I behaved towards you.’

‘ Regret … ! ’ Noah burst out angrily. ‘Christ, Delilah, you sound like a bloody politician! Are you serious right now? Is this why you came over here? To get this – I don’t even know what to call it – off your chest and then vanish again?’

That wasn’t a question that had come up in her imagined scenarios, and she stared at him dumbly. Her legs felt unsteady, and even though Noah hadn’t invited her to, she sat in one of the armchairs, perching on the edge to avoid looking as if she was making herself comfortable.

‘Noah, what can I do?’ she pleaded, looking up at him with wide eyes.

‘You can start by being honest,’ he said stonily. ‘There’s no point showing up here with some half-arsed apology if you can’t give me a good reason why you ditched me and cancelled our wedding with a day’s notice.’

It was the question anyone in his shoes would have asked, and yet it was impossible for Delilah to explain what she still didn’t fully understand.

You should really have thought this through better before coming .

Why couldn’t Noah just accept she felt awful about what she had done instead of making this harder for both of them, she wondered miserably.

Noah dropped into the other armchair, and feeling slightly less intimidated, Delilah fell back on her script. Glossing over the details, she filled him in on her new job and her goal of becoming a better counsellor by making amends for her past behaviour.

‘…and that’s it. I came here to apologise. I really am sorry, Noah.’ She bit her lip and stared searchingly into his face. ‘You didn’t deserve what I did to you and if there was any way I could make it up to you, I would.’

His silence was unnerving, and she added earnestly, ‘Please forgive me.’

‘No.’

‘What?’

‘I said no.’

Delilah stared at him in dismay. ‘I swear to you I meant every word I’ve just said.’

Noah’s eyes were as hard as flint and they skewered her without mercy as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.

‘No, Delilah, because, yet again, this is all about you. Let’s be honest, you’re not here for me – the only reason you’ve shown up today is so you can feel better about what you did to me.

Absolving yourself at someone else’s expense is bullshit and pure selfishness. So no, I don’t forgive you.’

It was hard to argue with him, but she wasn’t ready to give up. ‘I get that you’re angry with me and, believe me, I know what I did was unforgiveable, but?—’

‘Good word, that. Unforgiveable. Yes, it was, so I don’t know how you have the gall to ask me to let it go.’

‘Noah, I’m trying here. I know I can’t make up for what I did to you—’ She couldn’t stop the tremor in her voice and she turned her head away before he could see the tears filling her eyes.

Who was she kidding? He was well within his rights to hate her, and she was wasting her time and his by hoping time had softened his anger.

‘Actually, maybe you can.’

Delilah turned to find him eyeing her speculatively.

‘Really? How?’ she asked hopefully.

‘You said you’re a relationship counsellor now, is that right?’

‘Ye-es,’ Delilah said slowly, wondering where this was going.

Noah chewed on his lip in silence for a moment and then he sat back in his chair. ‘Leaving aside the obvious irony, are you any good at your job?’

‘I’m not yet fully qualified, but yes, I do counsel clients,’ Delilah said carefully. Instinct told her this wasn’t the time to get into the technicalities of her current situation.

‘Alright, if you’re serious about making things right with me, then I need you to help me make things right with Zazie.’

‘Wait, what ? Who’s Zazie?’

‘My girlfriend.’

The words sent a sharp stab of pain through Delilah.

This had definitely not been part of her imagined script, and she couldn’t help wondering if Noah was deliberately trying to hurt her, which would be understandable after what she had done to him.

But then, Noah being involved with someone else shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

It was over three years since she’d walked away, and he was a very attractive man who had never lacked for attention from women.

Reminding herself that she had no right to feel betrayed, Delilah rallied quickly, determined not to show her hurt feelings.

‘I see. What’s the problem?’

‘We’ve been going out for a while and it’s serious – or rather it could be, if she and my mum would just get along.’

Delilah had dubbed Noah’s mother the Wicked Witch of the West for good reason and despite her mixed feelings about Noah’s new girl, she felt a pang of sympathy for the unknown Zazie. But that didn’t mean she wanted to get involved.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said firmly. ‘I don’t see how I can help with that. I work with couples on their own relationships.’

‘Exactly. My relationship with my girlfriend ’ – Delilah tried not to flinch at the emphasis Noah seemed to enjoy placing on the word – ‘is messed up because of her relationship with my mother. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, and you’re a relationship counsellor.

It’s simple: you help sort us out – me and Zazie, and Zazie and Mum – and then maybe I forgive you for what you did to me. ’

Delilah jumped to her feet. ‘That’s outrageous!’ she gasped, dropping any attempt to be conciliatory. ‘And it’s also blackmail!’

When Noah looked unmoved, she took a breath and tried to speak calmly. ‘There’s no way I can counsel you and your’ – she tried, but she couldn’t get the word out – ‘um, Zazie, when you and I used to be a couple. It would be completely unethical, and I could get fired.’

‘I don’t see how that’s a problem since you and I are ancient history,’ said Noah in an indifferent tone that set Delilah’s teeth on edge. ‘But I suppose you have a point.’

‘Thank you!’ Delilah breathed in relief.

‘So we won’t tell Zazie we used to go out.’

Delilah opened her mouth to argue, but Noah stood up and placed a silencing finger on her lips to stop her.

It was the first time he had touched her since her arrival at his door, and it was as if her body had suddenly gone up in flames.

She looked up into his eyes and their gaze locked for what felt like an eternity.

Then she shook her head, freeing her lips from his touch and breaking the spell.

Despite herself, her eyes darted towards his arm. Was the tattoo still there under the sleeve of his sweater? If Delilah was ancient history, it was very likely he’d had it removed or – worse – had tattooed Zazie’s name over it.

The idea that she had been so easily replaced shifted Delilah’s emotions from sadness into the safer territory of anger.

She knew it was irrational to be upset that he’d moved on, but that didn’t stop her silent fuming.

Even if Noah was in love with someone else, how dare he demand that she help him with his relationship?

She might have behaved badly towards him, but what he was asking of her was simply cruel.

‘You’re being unreasonable,’ she snapped at him with blazing eyes. ‘I can’t force your mum to like someone she doesn’t. In case you’ve forgotten, I couldn’t even get her to like me !’

‘I’m not changing my mind, Delilah, so it’s up to you. Help me fix things with Zazie and then I’ll forgive you. That way, we can all move on.’

His tone was uncompromising, and Delilah turned away in frustration.

She had come to apologise, not to land herself in an impossible dilemma.

She might need Noah’s forgiveness to complete her mission and prove to Polly that she had gained enough self-awareness to get her job back, but if she was daft enough to agree to his outrageous request, she would be jeopardising the very job she was desperate to save.