Page 58 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

“Yeah, you are,” Jordan stands his ground, his eyes hard and intense. “If you werethatunsure how you feel about him, you wouldn’t have planned on going back and taking him up on the offer. You sure as hell wouldn’t look like a love-sick puppy when you talk about him.”

“I’m not a love-sick puppy!”

“Please. You all but waxed poetic about him just a minute ago.”

“I did not—”

“Ellis.” Jordan fixes him with a hard look that gradually turns into something more tender. “Stop it. Out of everyone, I’m the last person you need to pretend with.”

Ellis exhales shakily, blinking back the sudden burning in his eyes. He feels Jordan shift and press closer to him until he can wrap an arm around his back.

“I know your dad fucked you up pretty good. I know you think you don’t deserve good things, and you think you’re not good enough. But you do, and you are. And even if you can’t believe it just yet, you can still take a leap of faith. Everything will fall into place, eventually.”

Ellis lets out a shuddering breath. “How can I take a leap when I don’t know what’s out there?”

Jordan hums, squeezing him a little tighter. “Sometimes you just have to risk the fall.”

He can imagine few things scarier than that. “What if I crash and burn?”

Jordan takes a while to reply, and when he does, he sounds a little far away. “What if you don’t? What if you find everything you’ve been looking for?”

Odds have never been in Ellis’ favor. It’s hard to believe they could be now, especially with all the things that could go wrong.

He carefully extracts himself from Jordan’s embrace, feeling too raw, too split open.

“Okay. Your turn now.” Hopefully, talking about Jordan will make him stop feeling like his whole being is an open wound.

“What do you mean?”

“You said I’ve been acting weird. Well, so have you. And—” he says before Jordan can open his big mouth and blurt out a lie. “If I can’t bullshit you, the same goes for you.”

After a long moment where Ellis almost thinks he won’t get an answer, Jordan speaks. “Believe it or not, I’m kind of in the same boat. Just the opposite.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I met someone,” Jordan starts, a self-deprecating chuckle escaping him. “I was sure he was into me. Or at least queer. All touchy feely and shit. But I miscalculated. He’s straight and has a girlfriend.Hada girlfriend.”

“You hit on him?”

Jordan makes a face. “He was really chill about it, thank god. But we met again and…hepretty much came on tome.”

“Really? And that’s…not good?” It’s clearly not, if Jordan’s sour expression is anything to go by.

“I’m not interested in being someone’s experiment.”

Ellis laughs, confused. “You said, I quote, that I‘wouldn’t be the first straight boy you led astray’and now you’re being all grouchy because a supposedly straight guy decided he wants to fuck you?” The humor is short-lived, Jordan’s mood darkening and his jaw clenching. Wait a second. Did he say he’s in the same boat as Ellis? That would mean… “You have feelings for him.”

A muscle in Jordan’s cheek jumps. He shrugs, the action stiff and somewhat angry. “I’m not…indifferent.”

Ellis tries not to laugh, even though he’s dying to tease him. “Have you seen him since he came on to you?”

Jordan seems to have found something very interesting on the ceiling because his eyes are glued to it. “I…might’ve hired him.”

“What?”

Jordan squirms. “He’s my PA.”

“What?”