Page 153 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

Cal nods, like it makes perfect sense. Nothing makes any fucking sense anymore.

“You’ve been through a lot lately. You deserve a break.”

“I really fucking do.” Finally, something they can agree on. “Speaking of… I’m thinking of leaving the company.”

Cal’s brows shoot up. “Are you?”

“I’m still working on figuring everything out. But yeah, that’s the plan.”

“Good. That’s good. I think it will be really good for you.”

“Me too.” He didn’t really think Cal would have any objections, but it’s a relief to have it confirmed. “And…thank you. For telling me.”

“Of course.”

“I’m sorry you have to live with Cal’s memories.”

Cal has probably been downplaying how confusing it is, especially given what happened with Dawson.

“It’s…hard,” Cal admits. “Not because they make me confused, but because I’m getting to know him. Who he was. But I don’t want to know him. He’ll always be the monster who hurt the man I love. I don’t want to sympathize with him.” He grimaces, his gaze full of apology. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t listen to this.”

“No, I…I get it.” It hurts, but he gets it. “I knew he wasn’t a good person, but finding out what he did to Dawson… Turns out I didn’t know him at all.”

He’ll always remember the sheer disbelief as Dawson confided in him. The moment of weakness when everything inside him screamed of denial and anger, when he wanted to accuse Dawson of lying. The gradually dawning horror as he watched Dawson fall apart in front of him. The numbness that spread through his body as he was forced to accept that his brother, the last family he had left, had caused someone so much pain. The emptiness the truth had left behind.

And yet…

“But you still miss him,” Cal says. Not a question, a simple statement of fact. His voice is calm, without judgment or anger. “I have this memory…”

“What memory?” Ellis isn’t sure he can handle any more revelations today, but he’s intrigued by Cal’s smile, small and reluctant, like he’s about to share a secret.

“You’re both very young. He’s obviously older, stronger. You’re at the beach, just the two of you because your dad had to work. He’s trying to convince you to go surfing with him.”

Not very specific. Their dad always ‘had to work’, so they wandered around. Cal was crazy about surfing and would pester him any chance he got. Called him a wuss when Ellis was too scared to try it, barely able to tread water in their private pool.

“You finally go with him,” Cal continues. “He catches a wave, rides it all the way to the shore. You try to catch the next one, but it’s too big and takes you down.”

Oh.

Oh.

He remembers. Of course, he does. Why is Cal bringing it up now?

“He waits for you to come up, but when you do, another wave takes you under. The strap around your ankle is loose, and your board gets swept away. You get caught in a rip current, and it’s taking you far from the shore.”

“He saved me,” Ellis whispers, not even trying to fight the incoming tears at this point. The memory wraps around him like the water that nearly killed him that day, lukewarm and inescapable. “He paddled all the way towards me, got me on his board, and swam us out of the current.” A bitter laugh slips out of his lips. “I hated that he forced me into the water, but secretly he was my hero.”

Unlike him, Cal knew the currents, but it was still dangerous to go so far. He was just a kid. But he didn’t hesitate, didn’t stop until Ellis clung to him, and he could get them back to safety.

“He was really scared he lost you. For a long time, he blamed himself for nearly getting you killed.”

If Ellis closes his eyes, he can almost see it. Feel it. The two of them on the beach, out of breath and shaking. Cal’s arms around him, squeezing tight as Ellis clings to him just as tightly, sobbing into his shoulder. TheI’m sorry, I’m so sorry,chanted over and over in a soft, wrecked voice.

“Why are you telling me this?”

This time, he doesn’t tense up when Cal steps into his space and pulls him into a hug. It’s strange and unfamiliar, wrong in a way that’s difficult to explain, but it’s exactly what he needs. Even though he can’t bring himself to reciprocate, he accepts it gratefully, allowing himself to revel in the comfort it brings.

After a long while, when Ellis has almost forgotten he’s asked the question, Cal finally speaks.