Page 56 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

Telling himself there’s no reason to be embarrassed because Jordan has long since uncovered Ellis’ dirty pleasure, he grumbles, “Please, make yourself at home.”

Jordan gives him a sheepish grin. “You did invite me to stay.”

“You invited yourself.”

“And you didn’t protest.”

“I really need to rethink my life choices.”

They get 12 minutes through the episode when Jordan hitspauseand turns to face Ellis. He tilts his head, his gaze inquiring and a little worried. “Something’s going on with you.” He doesn’t give Ellis a chance to reply. “You’ve been weird for weeks. And don’t blame it on work or your brother's situation. I know you.”

Yeah, if only Ellis knew himself too. He’d thought he knew who he was. But that was before a certain barista with a radiant smile and no brain-to-mouth filter stumbled into his life. Or before Ellis stumbled into his café. Before that, he never had doubts, never wondered.

Liar.

His eyes lift to Jordan’s face, taking it in. It’s an attractive face. One doesn’t need a degree to come to that conclusion. His features are strong and his eyes an interesting green color. His dark lashes are startlingly prominent against his pale skin, and his lips full.

Ellis remembers thinking those things the first time they met, when Jordan came in for an interview. He remembers thinking Jordan was quite lanky before bumping into him at the gym and finding out he’s decidedly not lanky, and that his suit doesn’t do his shoulders justice.

He remembers thinking there’s nothing weird about paying attention to another man’s looks because he’d always done that. Everyone does that, don’t they? It’s normal. It’s normal to notice people, regardless of gender. Right?

He must’ve been staring for a while because Jordan lets out a chuckle and says, “Mate, usually when someone looks at me like that, they end up under me.”

With a shuddering breath, Ellis says, “I don’t think I’m straight.”

Jordan stares at him. He sputters a little, laughing nervously. “Are we, um, having a moment?”

Ellis would laugh if he didn’t feel like there’s a vice around his chest that just keeps tightening. “I…met someone.”

Jordan blinks owlishly, a smile forming on his lips. “I assume, from the dramatic pause, that someone is a man?” Despite the teasing note, his voice is soft and comforting. It’s what gives Ellis the strength to push through, and he nods. “Wow. I did not see that coming.”

“You didn’t?” Ellis asks with some disbelief.

“Should I have?”

“Well…”

Jordan gives him a patient smile and curls his fingers around Ellis’ arm. The contact is blissfully grounding. “El, it was justa kiss. We were drunk off our asses, andIkissedyou.I’m surprised we even remember it.”

How could he not remember it? It was the day his self-concept went to shit. And yeah, he might’ve been drunk, but that doesn’t explain why every time he looks back at the memory, he doesn’t feel bad or wrong, just sad. And…empty.

“I kissed you back,” Ellis reminds him. It was just a few seconds, but he kissed back.

“Well, Iamhot,” Jordan reasons, adding an eyebrow waggle that has Ellis letting out a highly undignified snort. “Please. Do you think you’d be the first straight boy I led astray?”

A witty reply on the tip of his tongue, Ellis hesitates. He looks at Jordan, the almost imperceptible tension around his smile and the way his gaze seems far away.

“Are you okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. Just went down memory lane,” he says breezily. And unconvincingly. “So…” Jordan clasps his hands together. “Tell me about him.”

Ellis feels his face heat up. He chooses his words carefully, mindful not to utter anything ridiculously sappy. Which would be congruous with how Gabriel makes him feel: sappy, uprooted, confused. Alive.

“He’s a barista.” There. Starting with the facts. Nice and easy. “Actually, he owns the café. It has such a stupid name too,” he adds with a huff.

Something flashes in Jordan’s eyes, too quick for Ellis to dissect. “Aww, a meet cute.”

“Not really. I was a dick when we first met.” Shame and regret settle in his gut. Gabriel’s told him not to worry about it, but that’s easier said than done.