Page 120 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

“Sometimes I still can’t believe how much has changed.”

“In what way?”

“For the longest time, I blamed him. My dad, I mean,” he confesses like it’s something shameful. “Blamed him for everything. For Mum never finding happiness with another person, for feeling so terribly alone most of my life. For not being there when I needed him, when my empathy felt like an unbearable burden, or when I was bullied for being too sensitive.

“And then one day I realized; this is how he felt too, probably still feels. Like the world is crashing down around you and you can’t escape it. Like it will always be like this and you’ll never find reprieve, because nobody will ever understand. At somepoint I realized; if I were in his shoes, I’d have done the same thing.”

“I don’t think you would,” Ellis disagrees. He can’t really imagine Gabriel like that.

“Not now,” Gabriel concedes. “I’m a different person now. But I still don’t want kids.” He looks at Ellis, unsure and worried.

“You don’t?” Gabriel always struck him as the type who’d want a whole litter. Hearing the opposite is, frankly, a huge relief.

Even though it feels too soon to have this conversation, Ellis is glad it’s been brought up. His previous relationships, if they can even be called that, never felt serious enough to warrant a discussion about kids. But now, for the first time in his life, he sees a future with somebody.

“I love what I can do with this ability, but I never want anyone else to go through what I did.” Gabriel sighs. “Not wanting kids is the reason my last girlfriend broke up with me.”

Words of comfort on the tip of his tongue, Ellis stills. “Wait. Girlfriend?”

Gabriel gives him a curious look. “Yes?”

“Oh. I thought… I just kind of assumed you’re gay.”

Gabriel lets out a snort. “I can’t believe it never came up. ”

“I guess we were too busy talking about other things. Like my suppressed sexuality and your mojo.”

“That would definitely explain it, yes,” Gabriel agrees, eyes sparkling.

“I kinda like it. That we’re both bi.” It sounds stupid and makes no sense, but the thought that Gabriel could choose to be with a woman but ended up choosing Ellis makes him preen.

“Actually, I relate more to pansexuals.”

Ellis blinks at him. “Uh…I’m sorry, I don’t know that one.” Idiot. He could at least make an effort to educate himself on the queer community since he belongs to it.

Gabriel strokes his arms, his smile infinitely patient. “That’s okay. I’m happy to enlighten you.” His lips purse contemplatively. “The easiest way to put it would be: when I’m attracted to someone, I’m attracted to them as a person. I don’t really, well,noticewhat gender they are. Does that make sense?”

Instead of instantly agreeing, Ellis takes a few moments to really ponder the concept until something in his brain clicks. “Yeah, it does, actually.” He licks his lips. “Well, I’m definitely bisexual.”

Gabriel laughs. “Okay.”

“Going back to the original topic—there are no kids in my future either. As you already know, I had my balls snipped a long time ago.”

Gabriel visibly relaxes. “Can I ask why you did it?”

“Because I refused to take the risk of becoming a shitty parent like my dad.” And he would be shitty. No need to transfer his mummy and daddy issues onto an innocent human being. He’s relieved when Gabriel doesn’t try to contradict him, probably understanding where Ellis is coming from. “Also, kids are annoying.”

Gabriel laughs. “I like them. Just don’t want to raise them.”

“Does Ash want kids? I know you’re not brothers, but you could be the favorite uncle who spoils his nephews and nieces rotten.”

“God, I hope not,” Gabriel breathes, his expression terrified. “Poor children.” He heaves a sigh. “I’m probably not being fair to him. As much of a dick as he can be, I’ll always be grateful to him.

“What did he do?”

“After finishing high school, I was lost. Had no idea what to do with myself, lived with my mum… You can imagine. Ash already lived here and I thought: maybe I can do what he did. Take off, start anew somewhere else. So I did. Moved in with him.”

“I bet you loved that,” Ellis says, not without sarcasm.