Page 151 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

Cal just shrugs, already flipping through the first book.

Ellis leans into Gabriel to whisper, “Porn. Really?”

“It’s not porn. It’s erotic gay romance!”

“Same difference.”

“Don’t be a prude. Don’t you want to broaden Cal’s horizons?”

Ellis shivers. “Meddling in my brother’s sex life is the last thing I want to do.”

Gabriel looks at him strangely, so Ellis replays his words back, going still.

He…he didn’t mean it like that. Of course he knows Cal isn’t really his brother. That doesn’t change the fact he wears his face, which fucks with Ellis’ head.

Before he can say anything, Dawson stands up. “Hey, guys, do you want to see my studio?”

Grateful for the distraction, Ellis nods.

Inside the studio—which apparently used to be Cal’s office—Dawson shows them his set up and the art pieces he’s currently working on. It’s hard to miss the excitement in his voice as he animatedly explains the meaning behind each painting, or the pure adoration on Cal’s face as he listens to him. As happy as Ellis is for them—for Dawson, especially—he can’t get rid of the bittersweet taste the whole scene leaves in his mouth.

Is it always going to be like this? Will he always be stuck in this cursed place between reluctant happiness and grief? God, he hopes not. He’s so tired of feeling like this.

“Where’s the dick painting?” Gabriel asks, looking around.

“The what?” Ellis demands, scandalized. Just what kind of art is Dawson into?

“It is not a dick painting,” Cal protests grumpily, getting utterly ignored as Dawson leads Gabriel back to the living room. Then it’s just Cal and Ellis; alone. Again.

“A dick painting?” Ellis asks, unsure if he really wants to know.

Cal scowls. “Please, don’t.”

Ellis’ lips twitch involuntarily. “Okay.” He looks around, kind of hoping to find something to say written on the wall. “So…Dawson started painting again, huh?”

Cal’s expression turns from scowling to soft and affectionate. “Yes. He’s still a little nervous whenever he picks up a brush, but he’s pushing through.”

“That’s good. Great idea getting him a whole new set up.” He cringes at how contrived he sounds.

Cal doesn’t seem to notice, that soft smile still plastered on his face. “I just want him to be happy.”

Ellis’ heart aches. How fucked up is he to miss someone who never gave a shit about another person’s feelings, let alone make them their highest priority? And here’s a man standing in front of him wearing his brother’s face, but the stark opposite of him in every other way. A man who is kind and thoughtful, who wants a genuine connection with Ellis because after three short months, he already cares more about him than his real brother ever did.

And all Ellis does is push him away.

“Ellis?”

Ellis startles. “Y-yeah?”

“Thank you for coming here today. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

So. Damn. Thoughtful.

“It wasn’t too bad.”

“No?” Cal asks, voice laced with hope. It makes it difficult to maintain eye contact.

“I mean…you might not be who I thought you were, but…I still care. For you.” As hard as it was to force the words out, the truth in them gives Ellis a pause. He hadn’t realized how much he cared for this man who’s a virtual stranger but somehow burrowed himself into Ellis’ heart.