Page 25 of Should Our Hearts Catch Fire

Ellis sighs. “Because of everything. You. Me. Dad. Because of our fucked up lives.”

“What do you mean?”

“How much do you know? Did Dawson tell you about our family?”

Cal takes a minute to reply. “He said our dad died of a heart attack years before we got married. That’s when I took over the company.” Distaste flashes across his face. “He said that you and I don’t see each other much. Or didn’t used to because you moved to Sydney to run the office there.” He shrugs. “That’s it.”

Their food arrives then, and Ellis is grateful for the short time it earns him to stall. There’s a rock in his stomach, his appetite gone, but he forces himself to eat.

“Did he tell you about Mum?”

“He said she wasn’t in the picture, but he didn’t know much. Apparently I never talked about her.”

No, of course he didn’t. “Yeah, that tracks,” Ellis bites out, shoveling food into his mouth.

“How do you mean?”

“I wouldn’t be keen on talking about the woman who walked out—well, more like ran out on us when we were kids either.”And really, it shouldn’t hurt like this after all this time. He’s not a kid anymore.

Cal’s eyes grow wide. “She walked out on us?”

“Yup. Packed her shit and left before I was old enough to remember her.” He tries to sound unaffected, but his voice cracks towards the end.

“Oh.” Cal pushes his food around, a furrow between his brows. “Why?”

Ellis gives a bitter laugh. “Who the fuck knows. Probably grew tired of taking care of us.”

“What makes you think that?”

“It’s what Dad said.” Among other things.

“That’s it?”

“What other reason is there? She left. Period. The end. Whatever her reasoning was, it doesn’t change the fact that she abandoned us.” He hates how hard his voice shakes even after three decades.

Cal isn’t satisfied with the explanation. “What about me? I was older than you. Did I not remember her?”

He did. Too much, too often. He never failed to rub it in Ellis’ face, even going so far as to blame him for Mum leaving— ‘Everything was okay until you came along.’

Ellis didn’t want to believe it. Contributed the vile words to Cal’s own pain looking for an outlet. But that all changed when Dad admitted Ellis wasn’t planned, that they never meant to have a second child. He never said Mum leaving was Ellis’ fault,but how could it not be? It all makes sense. He was never wanted. No wonder Cal hated him.

Ellis reaches for his water, throat dry like a gravel road. “You remembered a little, but you were still really young,” he lies. It’s for the best. Ellis would give anything to rid himself of his childhood memories. Cal doesn’t know how lucky he is.

“But—"

“Look, this isn’t why you came to me today,” Ellis cuts him short. He can feel himself starting to slip into the past. “You wanted to know about yourself. Well, here it is. Dad was always strict, especially with you, but at least you had Mum. Then Mum left, and you were stuck with me and a tainted memory of her. You were the older brother, so of course Dad would be tough on you, preparing you to take over and shit. He never cut you any slack.”

Cal mulls it over, then asks, “And you? How was he with you?”

“I didn’t matter, Cal. You were the golden child. You had his eyes on you all the time.”

Ellis used to be so damn envious of Cal, of the attention he got from their dad. Sometimes he still is, because even negative attention is still attention. But a part of him is relieved he never had to experience the stress Cal must have lived through. The stress of always needing to be perfect, never making a mistake. The spitting image of their dad.

“I’m not a shrink,” Ellis says. “And I have no intention of defending you. No way. But honestly, looking back at the way we were raised? It’s not quite surprising you turned out to be…you know.”

“You turned out fine,” Cal shoots back.

Ellis laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “You have no idea how fucked up I am, Cal.”