Page 9

Micki

“Hey, focus! What’s wrong with you? This is the second time you’ve missed your cue and we’re terribly out of sync!” Joshua is pissed off and I can see why. I can’t get anything on point today, I’m completely off. I can’t get Mathéo out of my head and that’s by far the worst thing that could have happened. The deal was clear. I can’t fall for him because I can never have him in my life and now I’m standing here with my fucking heart jumping. What a fucking shitshow!

“Sorry, I know. I’ll get myself together. The next round will be better, I promise!”

It wasn’t. Hanging my head, I change after practice.

“What’s wrong with you?” Nika, shit. Rolling my eyes, I lift my head. Philipp is there too. Double shit. Not the two of them, not today. “And don’t give me any bullshit. I know you.” I let myself slide down the mirror in consternation, my head falling on my knees.

“Come on, get up, let’s go for a drink.” Philipp tousles my curls encouragingly.

“I want vanilla milkshake.” Okay, I admit it, I’m a diva when I’m lovesick.

Nika snorts, but I know she’s shaking her head with a smile. “Then first stop McDonald’s. You’re so disgusting.”

I let Philipp pull me up and grab Nika around the waist to pull her towards me. She grumbles loudly, but she’s smiling. If she wasn’t, I would have let go, but I whisper softly in her ear, “You’re just jealous.”

“That must be it.” Laughing, she gives me a pat on the ass. “Let’s go, last one at the car pays.”

As if on cue, she and Philipp sprint off, but in the end I have the longest legs and Nika pays.

Half an hour later, we’re sitting in our favorite pub. My mood has risen considerably, but Philipp won’t let up. “Is it Mathéo? Are you still texting with him? What is he up to?”

Nika’s gaze snaps to me, choking on her drink and, for about ten seconds, I’m afraid she’s dying. “Wait a second! You’re texting with Mathéo? Our Mathéo?”

Oh my God. More than embarrassed, I drop my head on the table.

“Why on earth are you texting with Mathéo? Since when?”

“Didn’t you know that...” Philipp intervenes from the side but is immediately interrupted by Nika.

“No! It seems someone doesn’t tell me anything anymore! What did he do?”

“Okay, one thing at a time. He messaged me a few weeks after the wedding, and we started texting and then at some point we switched to video calls.” I’m fiercely concentrating on counting the knotholes in the tabletop so I don’t have to look up.

“How often do you talk on the phone?” Nika is somewhere between angry and offended.

I squint my eyes as if that would make anything better. “Every day...”

“And you fell in love with him?” I actually love her straightforwardness. I really do.

“I don’t know. It tingles, okay?”

“He’s an asshole.”

“Not with me. He’s nice and almost a bit shy and honest.” I can feel all my defenses rising up. Ahhh!

“Micki, don’t take offense, but you know you don’t stand a chance with Mathéo?” Did I say I love Nika’s straightforwardness? It’s fantastic. Hardly hurts or anything either. Nope. Not at all.

“That was my first thought too, but he started the whole thing, he messaged Micki first. Why would he do that?” Philipp verbalizes exactly what I’ve been asking myself the whole time and what keeps me from giving up hope.

“And this has been going on since?” Nika asks.

“Yes, for something around eight weeks?”

“For eight weeks? Every day? Okay, if it wasn’t Mathéo, I’d say he’s serious about you. But it is him. Maybe you should just ask him what he wants?”

Philipp nods in agreement.

***

And with the firm conviction that I would do just that, I went home later that night, only to not do it. Just like every other night for the past week. It’s still chaos in my head, but I’m too afraid of losing what we have right now if I force him to come clean. That’s why I’m not going to ask today and I’m pretty sure I won’t tomorrow either.

With the decision made, I press the call button. And I know it’s so wrong, but hearing his voice and seeing him looking at me, then shaking his head with a soft grin, gives me the reassurance I need. There is something between us. I’m quite sure of it. At least that’s how it feels. Rationally speaking, it’s absolute bullshit. But seriously, who the hell needs rational, right?

“Hello, finally! You’re late today. Have you been practicing this whole time?” Not an accusation, a serious question.

“Yeah, Joshua wasn’t happy today. We’re dancing a really big competition on Saturday and he’s nervous.”

“Oh, where are you at the weekend?” In my previous relationships, if you can call them that, dancing has always been a difficult subject, because it takes up so damn much time over the weekends when we’re on the road. But I love dancing. I love dancing in this crew, especially since they gave me the chance to dance in this position. I always dreamed of this when I was little and misunderstood, jumping around with all the girls in the children’s ballet. Now I’m the main female dancer in the crew. Me. And I fucking love it.

“Just in Stuttgart. But if we win there, we qualify for Berlin.”

“Wow, that’s cool! I’m definitely keeping my fingers crossed! Will you let me know the result?” He supports me. Even though I certainly won’t have time for him that day. All he wants from me is a simple text and that’s more than doable.

Everything gets quiet inside me, as it always does when we talk. Everything is in its place, everything feels right. It’s my mind that keeps interfering as soon as I’m alone.

“Will do. Shall we play?”

“Definitely. What’s next?”

“Okay, wait. Ah, that’s interesting. What’s your favorite position during sex?”

Mathéo is thinking about it. I can tell by the way he looks up and purses his lips, pulling them to the left corner of his mouth. It’s incredibly cute. He’s so easy to read by now. There’s nothing left of the arrogant guy who takes over the room.

“Are you going through the entire Kama Sutra? What’s taking you so long?”

He rolls his eyes with a grin. “It’s flattering that you think I can do all the positions in there.”

“As you have so much experience, expectations are high.” I wink at him with a laugh. “Or is it something really badass and you don’t dare telling me about it? Are you into hard and heavy? I can take it, believe me!”

Mathéo’s eyes widen, and he starts laughing uproariously. “No, I... okay, maybe I’d like it hard and heavy sometimes, but for that I need to know my partner really well and that doesn’t usually happen. There’s one position I imagine is incredibly beautiful because it’s so close.” My brain stumbles over the word imagine. This man has so much sex, he should have plenty of opportunities to try it out.

“Why imagine? Haven’t you tried it yet?”

Mathéo looks at me as if I’ve asked a super stupid question, then shakes his head. “No, it’s too intimate. At least in my head. I’ve never been able to be this close with a woman before.”

“Tell me about it.”

Mathéo starts speaking in a low voice and I think he’s blushing. “I imagine me sitting on the bed and my partner is sitting in my lap. I’m deep inside her and our upper bodies are touching, we’re holding each other. We are not fast and hectic. We have all the time in the world and enjoy every second together.”

Oh, that sounds nice. Admittedly, I didn’t expect that, but I want it. I want to be the person sitting in Mathéo’s lap.

“You look surprised. Not what you expected?” The uncertainty and vulnerability swim in his eyes again, right on the surface, impossible to miss. So beautiful.

That a man with his reputation longs for intimacy and closeness? He’s right, it didn’t meet my expectations. But that doesn’t make the surprise any less pleasant or him any less interesting. On the contrary. I shrug my shoulders. “I’m surprised, you impress me over and over again, Mathéo Gaillard.”

Now he’s really blushing. “And you? What do you like in bed?”

“I don’t have to think about it. I love it when I’m lying on my stomach, and my partner takes me from behind lying completely on top of me. The weight of him, together with the physical closeness, there’s nothing better.”

“And... um... do you like it hard and fast, or soft and slow?”

Phew, that’s a good question. “Hm, I think it depends on my mood. I can definitely take hard, but I really like it deep. Granted, there are better positions for that, but this one is the best package deal for me.”

“But... in this position, don’t you feel somehow... I don’t know, overpowered or used?” Mathéo’s voice sounds serious, and his words deliberate.

His question makes me smile, because no, on the contrary, sometimes I like being used. “It’s super-hot with the right partner.”