Page 8
Story: Raindrops
Mathéo
Sixteen years old
I’m running towards the goal with the ball at my feet. It’s tied 2-2, we need to score for the win, and we need the win to go up. There are only four minutes left on the clock and this play is probably our last real chance. We need the three points, a draw won’t be enough.
In the corner of my eye, I see Nicolas running along on the far right side. We’ve practiced this play countless times and almost always scored the goal. I stay on my track through the middle, feeling the central defenders in my neck. A quick glance is enough to see that Nicolas is still free. At the last moment, I pass the ball to the right, then I feel my opponent’s studs on my ankle and fall. At the same moment, cheers erupt in the stadium. He’s done it! Nicolas has scored the goal!
Relieved, I turn onto my back and breathe away the pain. My team runs to Nicolas celebrating him. I know they’ll come to me in a minute too. It’s all good. And quicker than I thought, I have a hand in my face, Nicolas’s pulling me up and we are all in each other’s arms.
After the final whistle, friends and families run onto the field. Everyone is celebrating us. We’ve done it! I look for my father’s mottled black and gray hair. He’s almost as tall as me, impossible to miss even in a crowd. While everyone else around us is laughing and obviously happy, his face is stone. What have I done wrong this time?
“How stupid can you actually be?”
I think hard, but I can’t think of anything I could have done wrong in this game. “What...?”
“Are you seriously so stupid that you can’t figure it out on your own? How embarrassing is that? You’re standing in front of the goal and you’re too much of a coward to shoot! You could have been the hero of the game! And now? My only son, a wimp!”
I scream inside. I wasn’t alone in front of the goal! I didn’t have a good shooting position! Nicolas was the safer option! We are a team! Tears well up in my eyes, my lower lip quivers. But I swallow hard and try not to let it show.
***
“Didn’t you listen to me? New fancy stuff like that is far too risky. I said no! What don’t you understand about that?”
Oh, I understood it very well. But we analyzed the market in detail and checked the demand within the target group before I approved the development. If the app runs smoothly and reliably, it will be a success and all that with a moderate price for the users and a huge profit margin for us. The only person who hasn’t understood anything here is my father and I get to listen to his tirades.
“You have no idea about the business. You’ll ruin the company if you don’t listen to me! My own son, a failure! What have I done to deserve this? What have I done wrong? How did my son end up like that? It’s all your mother’s fault. She spoiled you.”
None of this is new. I’ve heard it all before. And yet it still hurts. I’m busting my ass here and I’m doing a damn good job, but my father doesn’t see any of it.
I swallow the lump in my throat and fight the tears that I don’t want my father to see.
With two deep breaths, I tighten my shoulders and adjust my mask. I hate it and I feel like it fits me worse each day, but I’m trapped in this hamster wheel. It’s so exhausting and I’m so tired.
I close my eyes briefly to think of something nice and I immediately see two soft dark brown eyes, wild curls bouncing unruly and a smile that makes my stomach warm.
***
Five hours later, my phone rings and the moment I see her face and hear her voice, everything inside me becomes light. “Hey...”
I can feel how much exhaustion and relief resonate in just this one word. Micki hears it too, because her brows furrow immediately. “Hey, what’s wrong? You look terrible.”
I’m so beat, I don’t even react to the little insult.
“Just my father, nothing new, but ... never mind. How was your day?” My head sinks to my chest. I don’t want to complain, there’s no need to complain. My father’s an asshole, so what? I’m not the only person in the world struggling with that. Be a man and get your shit together.
“Don’t try to distract, what happened?” She doesn’t sound annoyed, rather... interested. And demanding. She really wants to know, doesn’t she?
“Nothing bad, there are way worse things in the world. My father was just being himself at work today and ran me down in front of all the employees.”
“And that took a toll on you. It hurt you, didn’t it?”
A lump forms in my throat that is hard to swallow. I’ve never had anyone ask about me, who cared about me and how I was doing. My parents never took an interest in me. At least not in me as a person, only in my achievements. As for anybody else? Well, I’ve never let anyone get that close. Anyone but Micki.
“Yes, but my father showed me early on what happens when I... show weakness.”
“Put your hand on your cheek.” My expression must be funny, because Micki laughs. “Just do it and close your eyes.”
I feel so stupid, so raw, but I do as she says without questioning it any further. It’s Micki.
“I can’t be with you, even if I’d like to be, but I’d do that if I were here with you. Would you like to be weak sometimes?” I lean into my hand like it’s hers and nod. “When was the last time you cried?”
My shoulders shrug on their own. “As a child, probably. I can’t remember. But I know I didn’t cry when I broke my arm playing soccer. My father was so proud of how brave I was.” I feel moisture tickling my eyes. “What are you doing to me?”
“Nothing. It’s just you. This is you and you are good just the way you are. Strong and weak, loud and quiet. Every part belongs to you, and you are allowed to show it.”
“I’d love to be with you right now.” My eyes are closed, my hand is still on my cheek and I should be embarrassed about what I’ve just said, but I’m not. “What are your parents like?”
“Cool, relaxed. They have always encouraged me to be who I am. Not to pretend for others. I am infinitely grateful to them for everything they have done for me.” I’m happy for Micki that she grew up in such a supportive environment, but I’m also envious. I would have liked that too. I needed it even. But I never had that luxury. Money yes, love no.
I have so much more money than I need, but no one to put a hand on my cheek when I’m feeling down. Honestly, I’d swap in a heartbeat.
“What can I do for you? Do you want to talk, or should we play our game to take your mind off things?” Her voice alone calms me down.
“Let’s play, there’s talking too.”
A mischievous smile takes over Micki’s face. When she laughs, everything about her laughs. Bright white teeth and two cute dimples, her nose wrinkles a little and her eyes light up, framed by tiny lines. So natural, so real, so beautiful. She takes my breath away a little more every time.
“Okay, I’ve got it. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”
“Realistic answer, or what I would want if I had all my options open?” Which I don’t have, so it’s all the more painful to think about.
“Either! Shall I start?”
“Please, go ahead.”
“Okay. So, I would still work in the practice where I work now. I really enjoy specializing in sports injuries and I have completely mixed patients, not just old people. Nothing against old people, oh my God, but getting young people fit again for peak performance just appeals to me more.”
Micki is totally in her element. She lies on her stomach again and chews thoughtfully on the tip of her index finger. She plays with a strand of hair with her other hand. “And I’d have a man who loves me, who likes to spend time with me, doing things with me. Who lets me be me and takes me as I am. And ... I’d really like to have kids, but since that’s not so easy, I might have to say goodbye to that dream.”
I don’t understand why the kids thing shouldn’t be so easy, but I sense that it’s a sensitive subject and decide not to ask.
“Yes, that’s it for me. How about you?”
“Hm, so if I could really decide...” Which I can, let’s be completely honest, I’m just too much of a coward and too weak to face the consequences. “I wouldn’t work for my father anymore.”
“What would happen if you quit?”
“I would no longer be part of the family. Which wouldn’t be a great loss, because my family sucks, but I don’t know it any other way and I’m afraid of being all alone at some point.”
Micki nods in understanding. “Absolutely understandable. Do you want a family of your own?”
That’s more difficult to answer. “I think I’d like to have someone. For me. Someone with whom I don’t have to pretend and just can be.” Someone like you. But I don’t say that out loud. I’m too much of a coward for that too, as I always am when it comes to something I want.
“Kids?”
“Right now, I can’t imagine having kids. I... this may sound stupid, but the only father figure I know is my own father. I’m afraid that I’ll become like that because I don’t know how to do it any other way.”
“Hey, look at me.” My eyes are well hidden behind my left arm, which I’ve just thrown over my face. “Your fear may not necessarily be justified, but it’s still valid. And it’s okay. Your life, your choice.”
Nothing in my life has ever been my choice.
Table of Contents
- Page 1
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- Page 5
- Page 6
- Page 7
- Page 8 (Reading here)
- Page 9
- Page 10
- Page 11
- Page 12
- Page 13
- Page 14
- Page 15
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- Page 17
- Page 18
- Page 19
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- Page 29
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- Page 38
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- Page 44
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- Page 46
- Page 47