Page 10

Mathéo

Eighteen years old

“No, you won’t! As long as I’m paying for your education, I’ll decide your major! You’re taking over a software company! You’re studying Business Informatics! End of discussion!”

I don’t want to study anything to do with computer science, as computers are of zero interest to me and I don’t know anything more about them than what I need to know for everyday life. I don’t even want to know more. But in the end it’s always the same anyway. I’m not strong enough, I can’t stand up to him. I’ve never been able to and that will never change ...

Resigned, I make one last attempt. I would have liked to do something like Communication Design, drawing was always my thing alongside soccer. But nobody can know that.

“Drawing is not for real men!” were my father’s words every time he took my drawing pad away from me. But the fact that my A in art saved my final grade at school was welcome. Of course it was. I don’t really want to work for my father’s company either, but I won’t have much choice.

“What if I concentrate on the numbers? With Business Studies or Business Administration?” The main goal is to avoid everything computer related.

“You’re going to run a software company...”

“And I have to understand the business side for that!” He’s about to lose it, he’ll never allow me to contradict him twice on the same subject.

“We make a deal. You take your Business Administration classes and if you complete the first semester with a straight A average, you can continue. If not, you’ll switch to Business Informatics.” I’ll never manage that ...

And while all my friends are excitedly planning their future and thinking about what they want to do for the rest of their lives, I’m stuck. In a life that others would give anything for, but that I’ve never wanted, and still don’t. Because it’s not mine and because, even at eighteen, I still can’t manage to stand up for what I want. After all I really am such a pathetic wimp, just as my father always says.

***

Super-hot, I imagine. Her petite body beneath mine, her legs slightly parted, just enough for me to slide in deeply. Just the way she likes it. With every thrust, my chest hair scratches across her back until her flawless skin shimmers red beneath me. And then I’m kissing it all better, sucking and licking my tongue over the perfect peaks of her spine. I would worship and devour Micki and her body the way she deserves, and she’d give herself to me.

These sex questions during our game are killing me. I’m permanently hard with no chance of relief. Because when my laptop shuts down and Micki’s face is gone, all my mind does is search for images of her. Of her eyes, of her curls, of her smile, of her letting out one of her gorgeous laughs. I’m so wrapped up in my head that I can’t relax enough to come.

Micki takes up so much space. I think about her all the time, she’s always there. Sometimes I’d like to reach through my laptop and touch her and sometimes I toy with the idea of getting in the car and driving the three hours from Dijon to see her. But that’s silly. Isn’t it?

This is so far from everything I’ve ever known; I have no idea how to do this. Something like... a relationship. That’s what it is, isn’t it? Shit. Is that what I want?

At that moment, my phone vibrates, and I flinch nervously, then I see the sender. Danielle. There she goes again. What the hell does she want from me? We were never serious and now she’s been chasing me on the phone for two months. Our relationship was just sex, that’s all. I have no idea why she’s texting me nonstop. But one thing I know for sure, I don’t want her anymore.

I swipe the message away without reading it and wait impatiently until the person I’ve been thinking of all day finally calls. It’s always later after practice, and waiting is getting harder each time.

“Finally!”

Micki laughs. Free and easy, as always, and I feel warm in my stomach. I love it when she laughs. I like it. I like it!

“So impatient today. Did you miss me?” She bites down her lower lip with a challenging look.

“What if I said yes?” What the hell am I talking about? Oh my god. I want to shut my laptop. Very quickly. But that would be stupid. So, I do the only sensible thing and squeeze my eyes shut tight. If I can’t see her, she won’t see me either. Impressive logic, isn’t it?

“The world has not come to an end. You can open your eyes again.” Micki’s voice is calm and soft, and I dare to blink cautiously. “Maybe I’d say I feel the same way?”

I can feel the smile taking control over my face, pulling up the corners of my mouth and even showing my teeth.

Pull yourself together. You’re a man, act like one! My father’s words echo in the back of my mind. A phrase he’s used on so many different occasions. I quickly get my facial features under control. “Do you want to play?”

A pitiful attempt to distract from my emotional state, but Micki goes along with it without comment, and I am incredibly grateful to her.

“Sure, just a moment. Let me look for the next question.” I see her typing on her cell phone. “When was the last time you had sex?”

Rolling my eyes I exhale loudly through my nose. Another sex question. But Micki makes short work of it. “That’s a boring question. I haven’t had a guy in ages, probably half a year. Do you have anything exciting going on?”

Only now do I realize how long ago I had sex—and even more shocking, I haven’t felt the need for it at all for a long time. “The weekend before the wedding.”

Micki’s eyes grow wide. “You’re kidding! That’s over four months ago! I was expecting you to say something like three times last week. At least!”

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but my mind is busy with other things at the moment.”

“With me?”

The question is cheeky and provocative, rather jokingly, but I decide to answer it honestly. “Most of the time.”

Even through the screen I can see Micki swallowing hard. Her expression is now somewhere between incredulous and stunned. But with a quick shake of her head, she catches herself and changes the subject.

***

We got through three more questions that night. I now know that Micki really wants to go to the Maldives, though she’s sure she’ll never have the budget for it. But she’s already been to Iceland, my dream destination. I’m not sure if Iceland is actually that much cheaper. The flights are, maybe. She was so enthusiastic, and her eyes lit up with so much joy when she found out I wanted to go there.

“I’m coming with you! I really want to go back to Iceland.” The moment she realized what she’d said, she slapped her hand over her mouth.

“Do you just want to go to Iceland, or do you want to go to Iceland with me?” I tried for a light, joking tone too, but Micki was serious when she replied

“I wouldn’t mind your company.” What does she mean? As friends, or as... more? What are we anyway? What am I to her and... what is she to me? No one has ever been anything more than a sexual conquest or a friend to me.

And even friends are difficult for me. Tom has been my best friend since kindergarten. We did everything together; we told each other every secret. Since we’ve both left Rennes, we text now and then or send each other funny videos, but that’s it. The last time I saw him was at élias’s wedding. He had his girlfriend with him. I could’ve never imagined Tom in a steady relationship, but hey, he seems to have grown up.

Sometimes I miss what we once had. The blind trust and openness. Without giving it a second thought, I look for his contact and press call. After the third ring, he answers.

“Hey Mathéo! Haven’t heard from you in a while! How are you?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. What about you?”

“Everything’s great! But don’t bullshit me, you sound funny. What’s wrong?” Even after such a long time without really close contact, he still knows me so well.

“I still can’t fool you, can I?”

Tom laughs. “Never. What’s up? Shoot!”

“How did you know you were in love with your girlfriend? That she’s the one for you?”

“That’s simple. We got on really well right from the start. Everything was always easy with her. Talking, doing things together, even being quiet was easy with her and I wasn’t interested in anyone else anymore, only wanted her. Still do.”

I’ve only met Micki once, but it felt the same. And now, when we talk about anything, it feels so light.

“Mathéo, dude, have you fallen in love?” The incredulity in his voice stings a little more than I’d like to admit.

“The way you say that makes it sound like it’s absolutely unthinkable I have feelings too...”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. You just haven’t let anyone close enough yet.” There’s probably something to that. “Who is it?”

“She was at élias’s and Nika’s wedding. Do you remember the dance with the chairs?”

“Where you participated?” I have to smile at the memory.

“Participated is perhaps the wrong way to put it, but yes. She danced with me.”

“Tall, very slim, short dark curls?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“You’ve always had a thing for tall, dark-haired women. She’s exactly your type.”

Although Tom is right about everything he says, his statement somehow offends me. “She’s more than that. She... She knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to say it. She’s stubborn and opinionated, she’s strong and intelligent, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. She doesn’t want to please me, she’s just herself.”

There is a smile in Tom’s voice as he speaks. “And you’re asking me what it feels like to be in love? I think you already know that yourself.”

“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know who am I am right now,” I croak, my voice not reliably usable at this moment. Fantastic.

“You’re scared, but you don’t have to be. Be brave! Love is a beautiful thing. You just have to risk it!”