Page 6

Mathéo

Nine years old

“Where’s Balou?”

Usually, it doesn’t take ten seconds and he’s with me. Not today. I can’t hear him either. “Balou!”

“Mathéo, darling.” My mother. Her voice sounds funny. “We’re in the kitchen. Will you join us, please? We need to talk about something.” That sounds funny too.

“Balou!”

“Stop yelling for the fucking mutt. He’s not coming!” What? What did Papa say? What did he mean? Balou always comes. Balou has always been there for as long as I can remember. He was actually Grandma’s dog, but then she broke her leg and we took him in. Somehow he didn’t want to go back. Grandma said Balou wanted to stay so that he could protect me. He’s been very weak lately. Maman says it’s because he’s so old.

“Balou?” My voice gets smaller. Why isn’t he coming?

“Mathéo? Come to us, please.”

“Stop treating him like a little kid! He has to go through this! He’s almost ten! That was just a dog!” Was? WAS? What does Papa mean?

“Was?” My voice is quiet and uncertain, Papa hates it when I’m like this.

“The mutt laid down this morning and never woke up. At least we didn’t have to pay for anything except the disposal.”

“But... that can’t be true, he said goodbye to me when I went to school! Where is he? I want to see him!” No, that can’t be true. Not Balou. If he’s no longer here, I’m alone. Please no.

“He’s gone! Do you think I’m going to leave that dead animal lying around here and stinking!”

That’s a joke, it’s not true. I look at my mother, but she doesn’t look back.

“Maman?” But I don’t get an answer. I learned early on that you’re not allowed to show your feelings in this house, but my voice lets me down. It’s nothing more than a stifled sob as I address my mother once more. Shit.

I know what’s coming. My father immediately jumps on it. “Stop crying like a little girl. How are you going to take over the company if you whine about everything like your mother? How is anyone ever going to take you seriously? Do you see what you’ve done?” The last sentence was directed at my mother, but she doesn’t even flinch anymore.

***

I love our game. I now know that Micki loves her curls, that although she is very successful dancing Hip Hop with her crew, her real passion is Heels. Super-hot if you ask me, she sent me links. Her favorite drink is Bacardi Cola, even though Bacardi is the worst rum ever. Her words, not mine, but I don’t disagree. Micki is funny and doesn’t take herself too seriously. She shines the most when she can laugh at herself. I’ve never laughed so much with a woman as I do with her.

Micki has no expectations of me, I can just be who I am. With sweatpants and tousled hair. Tired and thoughtful. Quiet. Me. My whole life I’ve had to conform to someone else’s idea of who I am. I had to be strong, show no emotion, call the shots, be a man. I’m so damn tired.

We don’t have a phone date tonight. Micki has practice and it’s usually late by the time she gets home. But work really sucked today, my father was there on a first-class power trip. I need a distraction if I want to get him out of my head. “Hey, are you up for our game after practice? I could do with some company. M.”

My cell phone rings just before 11:30. My heart skips a beat and a smile flits across my face. Okay, that’s new. My whole body relaxes when I see her face and hear her voice. “Hey, you look tired. Are you okay?”

“I am now.” I wince at myself as I hear my words, but Micki just smiles.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Is that what I want? I shrug my shoulders and mean it. “You don’t have to. But if you need someone to listen, I’m here for you.”

“My father was in the office today...” The words bubble out of my mouth in one breath, and I’m surprised by myself.

“That sounds like a rather unpleasant visit.” Micki is lying on her stomach, presumably in her bed, her chin propped up on her hand, her deep brown eyes alert and soft. Her curls fall wet on her narrow shoulders. She is so beautiful. Without make-up, without perfectly styled hair, and without a sexy outfit.

“Very unpleasant, but that’s nothing new. My father is always criticizing, even though we are by far the most successful company site. My numbers are better than his, but he refuses to see that. Our marketing is too modern and contradicts the company’s traditions. Absolute bullshit, if you ask me, and the numbers prove me right. He just can’t stand the fact that he no longer has any control, and I do what I want. With success.”

“But isn’t your father happy for you when you’re successful?” A cute little wrinkle forms between Micki’s eyebrows and my ironic laugh and shake of the head pulls it a little deeper.

“I’ve never pleased my father in my whole life and that’s not going to change. I no longer run after him to get approval. I know my value. I don’t need him.”

“And yet, you work for him. Why?” I try to hear the judgmental tone in her voice, but there’s none.

“You don’t say no to my father. I had no choice.”

“Do you enjoy your work?”

“I was able to pull myself out of development and concentrate on the business side. I enjoy numbers and marketing. That’s why we are the most successful location. But it’s still never enough. I’m always doing something wrong, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore.” My head falls back defeatedly.

“I’m sorry about that, Mathéo. What do you need from me?” So gentle. She can be so gentle too.

“Distract me, make me laugh, get me out of my head, anything. Please.” I sound so pathetic, and I’m feeling so sick of myself, but it don’t show it. Never show it.

“Should we take a look at the next question in our game? Maybe it has potential to do exactly that.” Micki waggles her eyebrows challengingly and I really have to laugh. Just like that. So simple.

“Go for it!”

Micki scrolls through her phone, then her eyes light up. “Oh, okay, here’s a good one! What was your most embarrassing experience during sex?” I review the last twelve years in my head.

“Have you got anything yet?” Micki’s smoky, deep voice is impatient.

“No, I haven’t decided yet. Have you?”

“Oh God, yes! There is an undisputed number one unfortunately.” Every time I hear that laugh, my heart beats a little faster. I’ve never had that before, but ... it feels good.

“Come on then.”

“But it’s really embarrassing. Okay, so I was with this really hot guy... whoa, what was that? Did you just... growl?”

“No.” Yes, I did. Fuck, what am I doing?

“You so did, oh my God!”

My head falls into my hands. There’s no way I’m admitting this. No way.

“So, I was with this hot guy who wasn’t nearly as hot as you...” I can feel the smile playing around my lips. “... and he’s just loosening me up, but I had an awful lot of air in my belly and for that reason alone, sex was literally a shitty idea. But I really wanted him and I thought I’d have a little bit of time beforehand you know. But then he got straight down to business and when he fingered me it happened. I had to fart and I just couldn’t help it.” Micki buries her face in her elbow.

I know that women fart too, it’s totally natural, but I admit it’s not particularly sexy. It must have been embarrassing for her. Nevertheless, my eyes well up in tears with laughter. “What happened next?”

“I jumped up, grabbed my things and ran off. I never saw him again. Fortunately. Now it’s your turn. Give me your secrets.”

“I’m a little scared of what you’ll think of me afterwards.” Not just a little...

“I’m friends with Nika, I know you can be an arrogant asshole.” Micki grins cheekily at me through the screen, biting down her lower lip, but though she is joking, the comment stings more than I’d like to admit.

“Only can be?” Why is my voice shaking, damn it? But Micki’s eyes soften.

“So far, you haven’t done anything to prove this accusation, at least not with me. And no matter what you say, that’s not going to change.” I take a deep breath.

“Okay, but in my defense, I was 18. I was in bed with this girl, she was quite sweet, but nothing special. Easy to have, and my standards were very low back then. Suddenly, in the middle of it, she asks me to call her by her name when I come...”

“But you had no idea what her name was?” Raising an eyebrow questioningly, Micki looks at me. My head drops to my chest, and I squint my eyes as I nod. “That’s great. So, what did you do then?”

I can’t hear anything disparaging in her voice, rather... is this curiosity and excitement? And she’s laughing. “What was I supposed to do? I just said the first name I could think of.”

“Which was wrong, I assume?”

“Of course, it was! She completely freaked out and ran off. I’m still not sure if she even ever told me her name.” I could have asked, I acknowledge that too, but that was after Nika, and I went through so many girls to get her out of my head. I just didn’t care. And to be honest, I was just a trophy for most of the girls too. “ I had sex with Mathéo Gaillard!” Back then I didn’t care, now... I don’t know.

“It was sex. Did she realize it was a one-time thing?”

“I’m always upfront about that before I sleep with someone.”

Micki shrugs her shoulders. “Then it’s her problem. She wanted more from you than you were willing to give. You were honest, so that is definitely on her. It says a lot about you that you’re embarrassed by that.”

My belly warms up. She understands me.