Page 42

Mathéo

I’m standing in thick fog; I can’t see or hear anything around me and I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m lost with no prospect of rescue. At least that’s how it feels.

A large, slender hand grips mine and squeezes firmly. Micki. I remember the strange look on the social worker’s face when I introduced Micki as my partner, now the two of them are talking, but I only hear snatches of the conversation. One fact keeps ringing in my head: Danielle had named me as the father when Valérie was born.

Valérie. That’s the name of my daughter, who is currently sleeping in a baby seat on the floor. She’s cute, I think. Pale skin and dark curls.

There is a custody order in place that regulates who gets custody in the event that the parents can no longer look after the child. It is legally binding, but I can refuse. I don’t want kids, but I can’t just abandon this helpless bundle.

A squealing scream snaps me back to reality. The little girl next to us grimaces and wails. Shit, that’s loud. How can something so small be so loud?

“Oh no, my sweet girl. Did you wake up?” Micki jumps to his feet and kneels in front of the bawling baby. “Can I take her out?”

“Do you have experience with babies?” The woman from the youth welfare office raises her eyebrows critically, but Micki is undeterred.

“My sisters have children. Also, she’s eight months old, you can’t break anything anymore when you pick her up.” He winks at the social worker and carefully reaches into the baby seat, tickling Valérie’s tummy and talking to her until she laughs and gurgles. “Shall we get you out of this seat? You probably need some space to move.”

And as if she agrees, the little girl starts kicking. Micki skillfully undoes the straps and takes my daughter in his arms. Our daughter? Would he want that with me? A family?

“Can I take her out with me so you can sort everything else out here?” The woman has still this stern look but then nods when she sees Valérie relax on Micki’s arm leaning against him. “Do you have any food for her? At least a fruit puree?” The social worker’s eyes widen in surprise. “And I’m sure she could do with a fresh diaper too.

“The emergency foster home has packed a bag. Everything should be in there. I’ll let my colleague know, she can accompany you.”

“Thank you.” Micki is talking to the woman, but his attention is on the girl with the bright blue eyes and black curls. She looks just like me.

“Your partner is doing well.” For the first time since we entered this room, she smiles.

“Thank you.”

“You look worn out, it’s a lot to take in at once, I understand.” Compassionately she reaches over her desk giving my arm a squeeze.

“I never wanted to have kids.” The words burst out of me, and I feel bad. It’s not the child’s fault.

“You don’t have to acknowledge paternity, you know that?”

“What will happen to Valérie if I don’t?”

“She will stay in the foster home until she is adopted. She is still young and healthy, the chances are good we will find an adoptive family.”

“Will she find out where she comes from? Who her parents are?”

“That depends on the adoptive parents. At 18, she can gather information herself and contact you.”

That feels wrong. As much as I can’t imagine bringing up a child, that’s not an option.

“Danielle wouldn’t have wanted that. I can’t do that to her.” Because even if we were never together, which was definitely my decision and not hers, we kept seeing each other for almost a year. I ended things when I met Micki, right after the wedding. We were still together two days before, that’s when the condom thing happened.

“May I ask what you mean by that?” The woman’s brow furrows.

“Danielle was adopted, and there were constant arguments with her adoptive parents when she was younger. She moved out when she was 18. Since then, she was alone and kind of lost, I think. She had depression, and always said stuff like nobody wanted her...” I didn’t want her either.

“You have no further information about the accident other than what I told you and what was in the press?”

“No, why?”

“It was only partly an accident. The police said she may have committed suicide.” Shit... how desperate she must have been.

In my mind’s eye, I see the countless missed calls, the text messages, how she begged me to take her back, that she couldn’t live without me after I ended things. I never loved her. I knew that back then, but since I’ve been with Micki, since I know how it feels to love, it’s crystal clear that I couldn’t have given her that.

The social worker continues. “The police said nothing happened to Valérie thanks to Isofix and the baby seat. And she was placed um... she was placed on the other side. She was in hospital for three days for observation, but everything was fine.” I feel sick.

“What happens next?”

“You have to decide if you acknowledge paternity. Miss Bernard already named you as the father at birth and had that recorded by a notary. That, and that the child should be placed in the care of the child’s father should something happen to her. This declaration was drawn up before Valérie’s birth to protect the child should anything happen during labor. After birth, it was completed with your daughter’s details. Everything is legally in order, so that Valérie could come to you if you wanted her to. As her father, you are entitled to custody of your daughter provided, of course, that we don’t have to worry about the child’s welfare. However, I have a feeling that you and your partner will manage just fine.”

Her voice is warm and appreciative as she talks about Micki and I could cry. How easily this woman, who holds the responsibility for my daughter’s future in her hands, can tell me that she sees no problem with a kid growing up with two fathers. I just nod, the lump in my throat too big to speak around.

“Would you like a paternity test to be sure?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ve seen Valérie... she looks like me.”

She grins. “I guess you’re right. You acknowledge paternity?”

“May I discuss this with my partner?”

“Please, go talk to him and come find me when you’re done.”

I walk slowly across the corridor. My whole life has been turned upside down in one fell swoop. I have a baby. I never thought of myself as a father, but now there’s this little girl who looks like me and somehow I feel warmth expand in my chest. Valérie needs me... and Micki.

That is obvious the moment I carefully open the door and find my boyfriend sitting on an armchair with my sleeping girl on his chest tenderly stroking her curls. Her eyes are closed and she’s clinging to him like a baby monkey. Tears well up in my eyes and I know, deep in my heart, everything will be okay. We can do this.