Page 5

Micki

“Hey, go for a drink with me?”

“Aren’t you dancing with Nika?” I’m confused. Philipp and I go out for drinks from time to time, often with Adrien, his husband. They got married very young. But we never usually go out after practice. That’s Nika’s time.

“No, not today.”

“Is Adrien coming too?”

“No, just the two of us.”

I’m scared. Okay, scared is a strong word, but this isn’t normal. Philipp is a package deal, either with Nika or with his husband. And even though he’s my closest friend, we never actually have time just the two of us.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Why should there be anything wrong?” I try to sound relaxed, but I roll my eyes, and that always gives me away. Philipp laughs.

“You’re super unfocused and you’re rolling your eyes. Spill!”

“I don’t know what to do because I don’t understand what he wants from me. That’s why I’ve been trying to ignore him for a week, but it’s driving me crazy.”

Philipp frowns. “I have a feeling I’m missing a few crucial details. Who are you talking about?”

“Mathéo...”

“ The Mathéo?” Two big green eyes stare at me, stunned.

I nod. “He messaged me on Instagram after the wedding.”

“Why?”

“That’s what I’m asking myself too. But he wouldn’t let up.”

“Is he stalking you? Is he insulting you?” Aw, that’s sweet, Philipp wants to protect me.

“What? No! Oh God, no! On the contrary, he’s... nice, honest, open... vulnerable. He wants to get to know me.”

“Mathéo, vulnerable? That doesn’t fit at all with how I got to know him.” Philipp raises his eyebrows.

“At first I was sure he thought I was, you know. But he’s seen my Instagram profile, so it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely! So, what’s going on now?”

“We wrote for over two hours last week and the next day he sent me his phone number. I haven’t reached out since then.” I bury my face in my hands and my curls fall over my eyes. I know how stupid that sounds.

“Why not? Do you not like him and need me to tell him? Or is it just the opposite?”

Mathéo has the potential to destroy me and that scares the shit out of me, but I don’t want to admit that. “The second thing. Chatting with him was so easy.”

“So why don’t you text him? What do you have to lose? You get to know each other, and then see what happens.” Philipp reaches across the table and gently takes my hands in his. “I know that you fall in love fast and hard, and I know that you’ll hit the floor even harder if it doesn’t work out. I also know that you haven’t been very lucky in the last few years. But you know, if we want great things to happen to us, we have to be brave.”

***

“Are we playing a game?”

The typical blue check marks appear immediately, then nothing happens. I’ve waited too long; I’ve messed it up. Shit.

When my phone vibrates two hours later, I’m actually expecting a message from the dance crew group chat and I’m more than surprised when I see Mathéo’s name.

“I’ve already told you, I don’t want to play.”

His answer takes my breath, just for a second, but still. He’s serious.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch in so long.”

“Then why did you do it?”

I take a deep breath. Mathéo deserves the truth. “Because I’m scared. Don’t hurt me, Mathéo. I don’t understand what you want from me. I’m not playing with you, but please don’t play with me either. Be honest with me. And don’t lead me on if you’re not interested.”

The three dots dance and dance. Either he’s writing a novel, or he keeps deleting and re-writing his answer. I’m just about to go to the bathroom when my phone chimes, so I settle back on my bed.

“I don’t know what I want from you. I’ve never wanted anything from anyone. Ever. But I want to know more about you. I don’t know why; I just know that I do. That’s all I can say.”

It’s so honest, so upfront. Actually, that’s exactly what I want. I’ve heard so many promises. Not a single one has been kept.

“I appreciate that answer. Are you up to playing a real game with me?”

He has read my message, but he doesn’t answer straight away. It takes him a while to reply. “What game?”

“There’s an app that randomly picks questions. The description says that if you answer all the questions honestly and still can look each other in the eye afterwards, you’re meant to be together. It’s cheesy, but I thought it was a funny idea.”

“What kind of questions are there?”

Oh, okay, he’s curious. Cool. My stomach is tingling. No, stop! Stupid idea! What the hell am I actually doing? This can never work. Never. “I have no idea. I’ve only seen the commercials. But I think it’s everything from normal to embarrassing.”

Suddenly my cell phone vibrates. A video call. From Mathéo. Oh my God! Is that what I want?

Ah, fuck it. I accept and Mathéo’s face fills my screen. Shiiiit... He looks even better than I remembered him. The blue of his eyes is just as bright. But his dark, short curls are an unruly mop; at the wedding they were neatly combed and slicked back. And then there’s that little smile, not arrogant or withdrawn, rather shy and reserved. His face doesn’t look hard, not like a mask, and his gaze is soft and open. He seems a little nervous.

“Hey! Um... good to see you.”

“A heads up would have been cool. What if I’d just been on the toilet, or naked?” I raise an eyebrow challengingly, but Mathéo just laughs.

“I wouldn’t have had any problems with naked.” Ah, I’m still not sure about that, but I can’t help laughing anyway.

“Why did you call?”

Mathéo’s gaze becomes serious again and I can see him swallow. “You said we had to be able to look each other in the eye. And I wanted to see you.” He shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.

“Are you disappointed?” Right now, I’m nothing like I was at the wedding. I uncertainly pluck at my loose T-shirt, but Mathéo just lowers his head with a smile and shakes it. I don’t understand him, but maybe I don’t have to. I’m always hoping that someone will finally want me for who I am and when it happens, I can’t accept it. Stupid, isn’t it?

“Okay, ready? Are you up for the first question?”

Mathéo just nods. So shy, so reserved, so different from what I expected.

I open the app and click on the random generator. “Here we go: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?”