Page 37

Micki

“You’re not bringing something like that into my house… What exactly did you not understand about a woman… What do you see in that ass fucker?”

That was my cue. I turned around and ran with no idea of direction or destination, I just had to get away. I’m destroying his family; he’s fighting with his parents because of me. They’ll never accept me, and I can’t make Mathéo choose. I know he said he’d pick me every time, but family is above everything... isn’t it?

I can’t get in the way of that. But my heart is breaking, and I don’t think it can be repaired. Tears are streaming down my face, and I need to go.

I turn my cell phone back on to look for the way to the main station. Thankfully it’s not too far away and I can easily manage the 45-minute walk. My phone rings almost constantly, but I can’t answer it. I’m not strong enough. I have to go; I can’t destroy his life. He’ll lose everything if we stay together, I know it.

I call Philipp at the station. “Hey, are you okay?”

His voice is joyful and relaxed, the complete opposite of the tension I just fled from, and my eyes get moist again. “Not really. I’m arriving in Strasbourg on the TGV at 11 p.m., can you pick me up?”

“I’m not home, shit, what happened? I thought you were with Mathéo at his parents’?”

“His father wouldn’t let me in the house...”

“Excuse me? And then Mathéo sent you away?” Philipp’s voice almost cracks.

“No... I left. You should have heard his father. I can’t force Mathéo to choose between his parents and me.”

“Shit... Where are you now?”

“In Rennes, at the station. But if you’re not at home, I’ll call Nika, no problem. Or my parents.”

“Wait a minute.” I hear Philipp talking in the background, presumably to Adrien. My head falls back and I breathe in and out deeply. Mathéo had an idea how this would go down, that’s why he was so nervous, but I never expected anything like this. “Micki? There’s a train to Nantes in half an hour. élias bought you a ticket, you should already have the email. We’ll pick you up from the station there.”

“Huh? Why? And what does élias have to do with it?” I don’t understand anything anymore.

“The four of us are on ?le de Saint-émile, on vacation. Come and join us and we’ll see what we can do. In any case, you won’t be alone and you’ll have a distraction. And it’s really nice here!”

Half an hour later, I’m on the train to Nantes. Google Maps tells me the city is about 50 km from the Atlantic coast and 1 hour 19 minutes from the campsite on the island. I should arrive at the campsite around 7pm.

I don’t want to leave here, I already miss Mathéo. But I can’t stay either. That I don’t want to force Mathéo to pick one side is only half the truth. I’m terrified of his decision, because just the idea that he may not pick me hurts so much more than leaving now. Then I would know that what we have is not enough. That I’m not enough. Again.

Once again, all my hopes for the future are down the drain. This time it’s my own fault, and for some reason I thought that would make it better, but I was wrong.

Philipp said they have a large mobile home with three rooms. One was meant to be storage, but they’re reorganizing. I’d have preferred to go home—the four of them are on vacation and shouldn’t have to deal with me and my broken heart, but I couldn’t say no once I had the train ticket. At least I have my duffle bag, and I’m sure I can buy swim shorts and a towel there.

***

Nika and Philipp are waiting on the platform. They both wrap their arms around me and my eyes get glassy again. What have I done to deserve such friends? “Thank you for doing this for me. It’s not necessary, I could have gone home...”

“Shh. No.” Nika interrupts me shaking her head vehemently. “You would’ve drowned in your misery. You would’ve wallowed in self-pity and you wouldn’t have been able to think straight. The island will be good for you.”

Philipp nods and winks at me. “You wouldn’t be the first to get their relationship mess back on track here.”

I raise my eyebrows questioningly.

“Long story.” Philipp smiles sheepishly and I so want to know the story there.

The drive seems shorter than it actually is. We drive through little French villages, past small, low houses with shutters. The beautiful postcard charm envelops me and I’m curious to see if it’s the same on the island or if tourists already invaded the place.

At some point, Nika lets down my window. “Take a sniff, a deep one.”

I look at her doubtfully, but hold my head in the breeze anyway and wow... the wind and the salty air do something to me. I calm down and the chaos of emotions in my head is a bit easier to bear. My eyes close and I lean my head against the window frame.

“Open your eyes! You have to see this!” Philipp shakes my shoulder from the back seat. Apparently I’ve dozed off. “There, the sea!”

We drive onto a high bridge and the Atlantic opens up to our left. Nothing but water stretches out in front of us in a seemingly endless expanse. It is fantastic and I am already incredibly grateful to be here, even if I’d have liked to share this experience with someone else. Someone who finds it difficult to show emotions in front of others, who rarely really shows when he likes something or when something excites him, but who is so completely different with me. Someone who laughs with me, loudly and genuinely.

A tear rolls down my cheek. I miss him. As great as everything is here, it’s only half as great without my man.

“You miss Mathéo, don’t you?” I shrug my shoulders uncertainly. “That’s okay, Micki. Really!”

“I shouldn’t have left, but his father’s words were so... bad. The man runs a multi-million dollar company and they have so much money. The house is top notch. Really classy. From the outside, at least—I wasn’t allowed in. You know I’ve heard my fair share of homophobic bullshit, but that, from a grown man? He shouted so loudly I understood every word outside the door and in French. When he asked Mathéo who of us was the ass fucker and who was getting fucked up the ass, I left.”

“He didn’t ask that.” I see Philipp’s shocked face in the side mirror.

Philipp has been out for a very long time too like me, and while there’s never a shortage of shitty comments, that one seems hard for him to hear too.

“Yes, he did, literally, by the way.”

Nika shakes her head and snorts disapprovingly. “And what did Mathéo answer?”

I bury my face in my hands. “I didn’t wait for his reaction. I turned around and ran.”

“I’d never defend Mathéo, you know that. Of the two of you, you’re my number one. But that was a shitty move.” These words out of Nika’s mouth carry a lot of weight and I’m starting to worry I made a mistake.

***

The mobile home is nice and really big, but the room is tiny even for one person. “When did you get here? I didn’t realize you had left town.”

“Yesterday. So, if you want, you can stay here with us for two weeks. But after that, you need to sort your shit out with Mathéo.” Philipp’s offer is tempting and agonizing at the same time. I want to be alone, to suffer alone—but I need my friends too, and I have two weeks off work.

“This is your vacation. I don’t want to drag you down with my bad mood.

***

“Come on, let’s go for a walk while the others wash the dishes and tidy up.” élias taps my shoulder pointing towards the beach. Why does he want to talk to me? Has he heard from Mathéo?

Mathéo... who is still calling me every five minutes. I now have 63 unanswered calls, but every time it rings, I feel like I’m paralyzed with panic. Not knowing is the only thing I can handle at this moment, not the inevitable truth.

“ That won’t work with us.”

“We’d better break up.”

“My feelings for you are not enough.”

I’m not ready to hear that. Not yet.

We’re walking through the surf when my phone vibrates for the 64th time. It’s beautiful here. The sun is slowly setting, bathing everything in a yellow-orange light. The sand is soft under my feet, the water refreshing around my calves, and the warmth of the sun envelops me. Just like Mathéo when he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

Tears well up in my eyes. I miss him. You left. It’s your fault that he’s not with you. How do you think he’s doing when he’s called you 64 times in the last seven hours. Fuck...

“Why don’t you answer?” élias is a quiet guy and when he talks, he is usually direct and to the point. I like him, even though I’m closer with Nika.

“I... I don’t know. I don’t think I want to hear what he has to tell me.”

“What do you think he’s going to tell you?”

I hang my head, my voice is low and raspy. “That he’s breaking up with me? He’ll never be able to have both, his family and me. His father will see to that... My God, you should have heard him ...”

“I know Mathéo’s father, so I think I have a vague idea. I’m sorry it went down like this. But what makes you so sure he won’t choose you?”

“That’s his family! And...” My head falls back again. “...when it comes down to it, no one ever chooses me. The beginning is always easy, and then it’s just never enough. Why should it be any different this time?”

“Was your start easy?”

I snort once again, and a smile flits across my face so quickly and unconsciously that I can’t stop it. Just thinking about Mathéo and how we came together does that. “No, nothing was easy for a long time.”

“But Mathéo fought for you, and for your relationship. Sometimes even against himself. You know, Mathéo and I go way back...” I nod, he doesn’t have to tell me, I know their history. “I never thought he’d go this far for you. For anyone at all. Don’t you think he deserves to decide himself about who he wants in his life?”

élias has a point... fuck. “Who’s the asshole here now, huh?”

élias puts his arm around my shoulder and I lean against him. “I didn’t say that. Believe me, I understand too well where your fear is coming from. Nika and I have come a long way.”

“But you’re perfect together!”

He smiles softly. “Yes, we are. And we have been from the start. But nine years ago, here on this beach, I couldn’t believe that a girl like Nika could really love someone like me. But she just refused to leave. No matter how many times I questioned her intentions and feelings, she never wavered. She just kept telling me and showing me what I meant to her. But I gave her the chance to do that.” Shit.

I’m standing on the beach, not knowing what to do. My phone has stopped ringing, but I still have the unanswered calls on my display. All 68 of them. I need to call him, but my hands don’t move.

I’m up to my knees in the surf, and the waves break on my legs. Each wave pulls a little more sand from under my feet as it rolls back into the sea, matching my emotional state. Every minute without Mathéo pulls a little more sand from under my feet and I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay afloat when he’s not with me.