Page 15

Micki

“We’ll be at your place at half past five.” Fuck. I read the message from Nika and try to think of a sensible excuse, but there’s just nothing in my head. Okay, that’s a lie. Nothing except Mathéo.

I wasn’t at practice on Monday and Wednesday. I duly called in sick, but after Ilkay witnessed live what happened on Saturday, everyone in the crew knows what went down. And now Nika is texting me. I might have had a chance of blowing off Philipp, but Nika is a completely different kind of stubborn.

I could have counted down the seconds, at 5:30 pm sharp my doorbell rings. Reluctantly, I press the buzzer. “Did you wait outside the door to ring exactly on time?”

Nika doesn’t answer but provocatively blows me a kiss after I let her in. Speaking is so overrated, right?

“Hey, how are you?” Philipp approaches me cautiously, his arms slightly open to not make a complete fool of himself when I don’t want a hug. But his caution is completely unnecessary. Tears are running down my cheeks again as I wrap my arms around his neck and press my face in his shoulder. Gently Philipp runs his hand through my curls, and I know that no matter what happens, he’ll hold me.

From the minute we met, we got on well straight away and he quickly realized that I’m a very tactile person. Touchy, if you want to put it in a negative way, but Philipp understood me and catered to my need for closeness without even once suggesting sexual interest. I think it took Adrien a while to understand, or rather accept, how we both tick together. After a show, I went up to him and cleared the air once and for all. “I won’t take him away from you, I promise. But it would be nice if I could have his shoulder to lean on. Sometimes.”

I was anything but sober, but Adrien just took me in his arms and whispered in my ear: “If you need it, you can have mine too, it has a lot more space.”

That wasn’t a lie, but Philipp was always my number one. Until I met Mathéo, he was the person I shared everything with. Now I feel Philipp holding me and realize he can’t fill the emptiness inside me.

He’s not Mathéo.

I miss him. Every day, every second. It tears me apart not to hear his voice anymore, not to see his face, his smile. Every night my laptop grins spitefully at me and I need every ounce of self-restraint I have left to not throw it against the wall. I still need it and I can’t afford a new one.

“You’re coming to practice today.” That’s not a question, it’s a statement. That’s the way Nika is. “If you want, you can dance with us afterwards, if not, we’ll take you straight home. We’ll do whatever you want, but practice is non-negotiable. We have a competition next week and we need you, okay?”

And even if really nothing is okay right now, I nod. What did Freddy Mercury sing? Show must go on, right?

***

And with that attitude I’m standing on stage a week later. I could cry, but the smile for the audience is perfect, just as perfect as the choreography. We easily win first place and while the others are still celebrating, I sit in a lonely corner behind the stage. I am so empty.

After, Nika and Philipp go home to their husbands while I get in the car with Ilkay. We have decided to hit up the club. He’ll probably be at my door far too early tomorrow morning asking if we can pick up his car, but I don’t give a shit right now. I can’t go home yet. I can’t go back to my feelings, not yet.

I know that alcohol is not a solution, and I know that I’ll regret it in the morning, at the latest when the headache starts. But now, in this moment, I just want to forget, not feel anything, never feel anything again. I just want it to stop hurting, just for a few hours.

***

But nothing helps. Not this week and not the next.

“You, stay here.”

I look at Nika with an almost annoyed expression. “You wanted to say: Hey Micki, don’t you fancy staying here with us after practice?”

She looks at me for five seconds thinking about my answer. “But that wasn’t a question. I have a song and a shaky choreography. But we can also turn it into impro. Whatever you prefer. I’ll also share Philipp with you.” Uhh, the offer is almost too good to refuse.

Joshua is a fantastic dance partner, but Philipp’s dance intuition in impro is a whole different ball game. Even if their style isn’t mine, this has the potential to be enormously cool and the dancer in me is really hooked.

“Do you know the song?” I ask Philipp, who is already standing in the middle of the studio, just waiting for Nika to start the music. He answers with a shake of his head. “But you can assume that it hurts.”

The first bars play, and I realize that I know the song. No, that’s not true. I know the original. “Last Resort” by Papa Roach. But this is an acoustic version, with more vocals and strings.

Fuck, by the chorus I understand what Philipp meant. The song goes bone deep and the lyrics couldn’t be more fitting. I lose myself and nothing, really nothing is okay.

Philipp looks at me, sees the tears running down my cheeks and takes two steps closer. “We don’t have to do this.”

Nika stands close to us. “I have an idea. Will you let me take the lead?”

I have no idea what she’s getting at, but I nod anyway. As weird as Nika sometimes is, she’s a brilliant dancer and I’m not willing to pass up the chance to dance with Philipp and her. Not to a song that I immediately connected to so strongly.

“Are we recording?”

Nika nods. “Yes, but you can decide if you want to post the video.”

Now I nod and we wait for the song to start again.

Apparently Philipp knows Nika’s idea, because they’re both on me the moment the music starts. Battling over me, fighting for me, seizing my attention.

The very first chorus pushes me to my limits. Both pull, both push. Philipp pulls me close to his body in a double twist, but at the same moment Nika yanks me back by my hair. She stretches my back until my head is far below hers and my spine is lined in a perfect arch.

It’s not sexy, not even close. It’s all about power. While Philipp presses his body into my back and follows the tears that are still running down my face with one finger, Nika claws into my legs.

They are so close, both so terribly close, threatening to suffocate me. I try to break out, but they won’t let me go, they are overpowering as a pair. Threatening to tear me apart. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give up, not yet. I fight.

But the moment Nika pulls me to the floor, I know I’ve lost. Philipp and Nika close in on me. In one smooth turn, Nika sits on me straddling my hips, grabbing my wrists and pressing them firmly to the floor next to my head. I only briefly wonder how we’re going to get out of this position, because Philipp pulls her legs back in one sweep, stretches them out and pushes her into a handstand on my wrists. I would’ve never even dared to do a move like that, but it works. It’s absolute madness. Nika pulls me up out of the handstand and doesn’t let go of my wrists for a second, stretching up her arms so that we are belly to belly. Not an inch of space between us.

I follow her movements, her body, which forces me further and further backwards into hyperextension by her thrusting breastbone. And just as I think I’m going to fall over, Philipp grabs me by the back of the neck, fixing me in this seemingly hopeless position. But I cleverly twist out of his grip and kneel in front of Nika and Philipp.

Both come towards me, both grab my hair, only to leave me alone to the last beats of the music. I’ve been dancing long enough to fill the last few seconds with life. Except that I have no life in me right now. I am alone. Torn and abandoned. On the ground. Just the way I feel.