Page 36

Mathéo

I feel sick. How did I convince myself that this could go well? It’s going to be a disaster, a first-class shitshow. My father will never accept Micki as my partner. Ever.

My parents know that I’m coming with someone, and that it’s serious because it’s the first time in 27 years that I’ve ever done that. My mother was terribly excited on the phone, and my father muttered something along the lines of, “It’s about time, otherwise all the good women will be gone”.

We discussed long and hard about what Micki should wear, and we couldn’t agree until the end. He wanted to go masculine , his words, not mine, with chinos and a button-down shirt. I insisted on him dressing as he always does. The result is a pair of Marlene-cut dark pants made of a thin, flowing fabric and a white sleeveless blouse. It is also loosely cut, but tucked into the high waistband of his pants. Added in his rainbow Chucks and his wild curls and he looks fantastic.

I love it when you can’t tell at first glance whether Micki is a man or a woman. It made me feel insecure at first, because people stare on the street and I always wondered what they were thinking when they saw us together. Now I usually find the questioning looks rather funny. This obsessive search for a label in the hope to be able to put us in a box is so obvious: Man, woman, gay, trans, non-binary, bi, femme, genderfluid. I don’t need labels. This beautiful person next to me is my partner, whom I love more than anything. Everything else is just noise in the background.

Micki and I have never hidden the true nature of our relationship, neither from our friends nor from Micki’s family. Everyone knows he’s gay, so pretending we were just friends would have been absolutely ridiculous. We don’t stick our tongues down each other’s throats in public all the time, but we kiss, Micki sits on my lap, I put my arm around his shoulders, we hold hands. We’re a completely normal couple and today my parents are going to find out about it.

My father is going to freak out, I’m sure of it. My hands are sweaty, and I rub them dry on my pants.

“Hey, everything will be fine, you’ll see.” Micki strokes my short curls reassuringly.

“You were there when I told you what my father is like, weren’t you?” I raise an eyebrow questioningly.

“Yes, but you’re his child, his only one at that. He won’t disown you.” I’m not so sure about that, especially when I tell him that I’m leaving the company to go to Strasbourg.

I got the job I applied for. While it’s not as senior as my current role, it’s a management position with promotion prospects in a big company. Best of all, I don’t have to hide who I am there

I open the car door and get out. Micki walks around the car and I grab his hand. “No matter what happens in there now, I love you. Never forget that.”

“Okay. Love you too.”

My mother throws her arms around my neck the moment the door opens. We haven’t seen each other for a while because I spend my free time with Micki, and not driving up to Rennes. My mother has nothing to do with the company, so I see my father more frequently when he’s visiting my office.

“And where is the lovely young lady who won your heart?” I flinch at the word “lady”. I’m about to answer when I see my father’s stare directed at the door where Micki is standing.

“It looks like our son didn’t bring a young lady, but a young man.” His tone is as cold as a bucket of ice water.

“Excuse me? Mathéo, what does he mean? You said you’re in a relationship!”

“Father, Maman. This is Micki, we’ve been together for six months.” I reach for his hand, but my father intervenes.

“That’s a man.” While his choice of words is neutral, the judgment resonates sharply in the way he says it. Micki is still standing in the doorway, and his French is good enough to understand every word. Even if it wasn’t, it doesn’t take a genius to read the tension in the room.

I’m just about to go to Micki when my father takes strong steps towards the front door and shuts it right in Micki’s face. “What are you doing? Let him in!”

“You’re not bringing something like that into my house! Why would you even entertain that idea? Did I raise you so badly? Was your mother too soft with you?” He pauses in the middle of his rant to take a deep breath before continuing. “You won’t see him again! Never again, do you hear me?! Or you are going to lose your inheritance, and the company.” He is loud and I can see the thick vein on his forehead swelling with anger.

“Micki is my boyfriend, my partner, and I love him! Open the door! You can’t just lock him out!” I can hear the desperation in my voice, which is never good when facing my father.

“This is my house and fags are not welcome. There’s nothing to discuss. There are thousands of pretty women out there and you choose to bring a man. A man who isn’t even a man. That’s absolutely ridiculous, Mathéo. You had a simple task: find a woman to marry and carry on our family name. And you came home with that ! Did I not make myself clear enough? What exactly did you not understand about a woman ? Or did you think it was enough if he looked like one? Not even you are that stupid!”

I want to yell back at him, but my father’s tirades make me feel like I’m shrinking. In my mind, I’m five years old again and Tom’s big sister has painted my fingernails.

“What do you see in that ass fucker? Does he fuck at all? Do you let him fuck you up the ass? Or are you doing the fucking? Do you stick your dick in a man’s ass? Does he put on skirts for you, and you imagine it’s a wet pussy?” Even for my father, that’s low, but nothing I haven’t heard before.

“I love Micki.”

“And you think I care about that? Why?”

My voice is quiet, but I try to stand up for myself. For us. “Because he makes me happy, the happiest I’ve ever been.” And now he’s standing outside the door, alone, fuck! “And I’m not going to let you shut him out.”

My father stands in front of me blocking my path. “Yes, you will. I forbid you seeing him! You’ll make a fool of the company and yourself if you go to business lunches or parties with something like that. I won’t let you drag our reputation through the mud!”

“Is it just about the company or can’t you stand the fact that I’m with a man?”

“My son is not gay.”

My father screams and I try to get any sound out at all. “I’m in love with a man.”

“Then I no longer have a son.” The statement is a slap in the face.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me right, if you stay with whatever that is, you’re no longer part of this family.” My mother whimpers but says nothing, like the good submissive wife she is.

I will never not pick Micki. “You know how to find me if you need anything from me.”

My voice is not as even as I’d like it to be, but I don’t care.

“Your company keys.” My father holds out his hand. “I don’t want to see you there anymore. You’ll also be out of your penthouse in four weeks.”

Fuck. My life as I know it is disappearing into thin air. I have to go to Micki or I lose it.

I open the door with a little too much force, I’m angry and I’m scared but he’s not there. The car is, but he’s nowhere in sight. “Micki!? Micki!?”

I keep calling his name, but I don’t get an answer. I grab my phone to see two unread messages from him. I open the app with trembling fingers.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble. I understand that you can’t choose me. Family comes first.” And “Still... I love you. Think of me from time to time. All the best Mathéo, Micki”

I press call, but it goes straight to voicemail. Shit. I write a message, but it doesn’t go through. Micki’s phone is off, I don’t know where he is, and he doesn’t know his way around here. Shit, shit, shit. I sit in the car and bang on my steering wheel, before I take off and start looking for my love.