Page 38

Mathéo

He’s gone. I drove all through the neighborhood, called no idea how many times, nothing. By the time I got to the station, the TGV to Paris had already left. From there, the next one goes to Strasbourg.

Despite changing trains, he’ll be home faster than me, much faster. I dial Micki’s number again, and I get his voicemail. I’m going crazy, and I feel this big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I understand that he had to leave after the things my father said. Micki’s French is very good, and the door probably didn’t stop much at that volume. He understood every word. “ Ass fucker...” I feel sick just thinking about it. He couldn’t listen to that anymore, I get it, but why did he leave me alone? How could he do that to me? Why doesn’t he answer his phone? Has something happened to him? Or does he want nothing to do with me anymore because of my father?

Micki must think I’m like my father. The way I used to behave before I met him, it’s not that far-fetched. Nika and élias told the stories, I’m sure of that. Micki knows how I can be... like my father. Fuck, no ... I’m not like him. Never! I need to find Micki.

I’ve been awake since three o’clock in the morning, as I’m passing Paris I have to admit to myself that I can’t drive any further. As much as I want to see Micki, I need a break. I can hardly keep my eyes open; I have to sleep. Near Reims, I find an Ibis hotel right next to the highway and check in. The moment my head hits the pillow, I’m out.

Without breakfast, I’m back on the road at 6 am and at 10 am I’m finally in front of Micki’s house. I ring the doorbell once, twice, three times, but nothing happens. Entering his apartment with my key doesn’t feel right, but maybe he just can’t hear me.

The door is locked, so I already know Micki isn’t at home. Nevertheless, I call his name and run into every room.

“Micki? Micki?!” Where is he? Has something happened? If not, where else could he be? There is a rational explanation for all this, I’m sure. There must be one. Micki hasn’t left me, not for good, we’ll fix this. Right?

I start to tremble and clench my jaw to stop myself from bawling like a baby. My despair tries to gain the upper hand and I don’t have much left to counter it. It’s chaos in my head, and tears are running again. I can’t do this, not without Micki.

While my tears were silent yesterday, my body is now shaken in powerful sobs. I can’t do anything about it. I no longer have any control over myself. It hurts so much; it stings in my chest. I don’t want to lose him; I can’t do without him. I’ve fought so hard for him and for us.

When I want to call Micki again, I realize that my battery is almost empty. I connect my phone with the charger and see a framed photo on the sideboard. Micki with Nika and Philipp. The picture is from Nika’s wedding and the three of them are beaming.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of that sooner! He’s probably with Nika or Philipp. My fingers are barely cooperating as I look for élias’s contact and call him. He answers after the second ring.

“Is Micki with you?” I sob desperately into the phone.

“Yes, he is. Please calm down.”

With a pained whimper but infinitely relieved, I sink to my knees. “Is he all right?”

“He’s okay. He misses you. Very much so.”

“Then why did he leave?” My voice is shaky and choked with tears and I should be embarrassed, but I can’t feel anything except pain.

“You’ll have to work that out together.”

“I’m coming. Give me half an hour!” I unplug my phone and run out the door.

“Wait! Micki is with us, but we’re on Saint-émile.” élias is so incredibly calm and even if I don’t understand what he’s saying, at least it doesn’t drive me crazy.

“Excuse me? Why? Never mind ... I’m coming! I’ll be there in ten hours! Or something.”

“Mathéo ...”

“No, you can’t talk me out of it!” I know it’s stupid, I know I should take a break, I know I shouldn’t drive like this, but I have to.

“I know... and I won’t try. Reception will be closed when you arrive, I’ll check you in. Just call me before you get here and I’ll pick you up at the entrance.”

It’s chaos in my head. “I need a tent and sleeping bag and everything, shit... I...”

“Don’t panic, we have a mobile home and room for you too. Just drive safe, okay.”

A huge weight lifts from my chest. “Thank you élias, honestly.”

“It’s okay, Mathéo. Please calm down a bit before you get in the car. In your current state, you’ll hit the nearest streetlight–if you’re lucky.” I regret every stupid thing I’ve ever said against élias and fuck... there were a lot. And none of that was okay.

The older I get, the more I understand his fine sense of humor and the way he observes and perceives people. He’s always open, never judgmental and always with the right amount of sarcasm when it fits. Maybe I’ll be lucky and he’ll let me be his friend, really his friend and not just the inevitable appendage of his wife’s friend, now that we live so close to each other again. If Micki still wants me.

The drive is exhausting. 1700 miles in less than 48 hours, alone–I’m only now realizing what that means. But I don’t want to take a break. I’m around Le Mans and I’ll arrive in roughly three hours. I’m on schedule and if everything goes well, I’ll be at the campsite by 9:30pm at the latest.

My phone rings. élias. Why does it make me so nervous that he’s calling?

“Hello?”

“Hey, I’m at the reception to register you. I need your license plate number so you can get through the front barrier and park in the night parking lot.”

“Yes, sure, of course!” I rattle off my letters and numbers and élias goes to hang up, but I have one more question.

“Wait! Does Micki know I’m coming?” I blurt out.

élias takes a deep breath. “No, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that we spoke on the phone either. Mathéo, I don’t want to betray his trust, but... but he’s not well. He blames himself a lot... please don’t blame him too. Just talk to each other, okay?”

Tears well up in my eyes again. “I don’t need to talk. I just want him back in my arms, that’s all I want.”

“Nika just broke her arm waving, I think I should say Hi from her. Now she’s flipping me the bird, someone understands these women... Ahhhhhhh! No!!!! Stop it! I have to go, see you later! STOP NOW! Call me!”

“All right, see you later...”

The miles to Nantes don’t seem to get less and when I finally get off the highway, I nearly freak out at every little town and village I have to drive through.

I’ve only been to Saint-émile once before, but we came from the north, now I’m south of Nantes and my approach to the island is completely different. Maybe I would like it if I wasn’t so incredibly exhausted.

Driving over the bridge increases my tension. I have no idea what will happen, I just know that I don’t have the strength to fight any battles. Tomorrow, not today.

I dial élias’s number to let him know I’m on my way.

And there he is, on a bench under the canopy, with Micki. Micki recognizes my car immediately and puts his hand over his mouth. I want to get out of the car and run to him, but I try to behave like an adult and park first.

The barrier opens immediately, and I drive through to the night parking lot. I park the car and take my small travel bag out of the trunk when I hear quick footsteps behind me.

I turn around just as a firm body throws itself against my chest. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have run away. I was so confused, I was so fucking scared. I... the moment I was on the train I wanted to come back to you! I’m so sorry...”

Micki hides his face on my shoulder, but I can tell from his unsteady breathing and slight trembling that he is crying. My arms wrap around his slender body. He’s cold and I hug him a little tighter. I still haven’t forgiven Micki for just leaving and then, even worse, ignoring his phone for over 24 hours when I tried to call him. But I missed him so much and I’m too relieved to feel his body against mine again, his curls on my cheek, his smell in my nose, to kick up a fuss right now.

“Why aren’t you wearing a sweater? You’re freezing.”

“It was warmer when we left... and I didn’t care...”

“Come here.” I reach into my car, grab my hoodie from the passenger seat and put it around Micki’s shoulders. He’s still hanging his head, not looking at me. I carefully pull his chin up, his eyes find mine and the uncertainty and fear swimming in the dark brown are hurting me.

“You want to talk, right? I mean, we need to talk... of course. Do you want to talk now? Where should we go? Do you want to...”

“For tonight, I just want to kiss you and hold you and know that I haven’t lost you. Tomorrow we can talk.”