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Micki

“You’re gay, you’re attracted to men. I’m not. I have no idea how to handle a cock that isn’t mine and the thought of even having another cock in my hand has zero appeal...” It hurts to hear that.

I doubted it at first, but after a while I was so sure Mathéo knew I’m a man. But that he didn’t care because he liked me as a person. He fell for me, damn it, just like I fell for him. Except, he fell for a woman... and that’s not me, never will be me.

I don’t know how long Mathéo has been gone. My heart is as heavy as a stone in my chest and my lower lip is trembling.

“Come on, let’s go.” Nika’s voice echoes softly in my ear. She gently places her hand on mine and takes it to pull me up. I follow her without resistance.

“What are you doing here?” I can barely get out a sound, with every word I’m just an inch away from losing my shit completely.

“Ilkay called Philipp, but he’s in Freiburg with Adrien, that’s why I’m here.” Nika pulls me to her car purposefully. My feet follow, walking automatically. It’s pouring down now, but I barely feel the raindrops on my skin. I don’t notice anything around me. Everything is in a fog.

Sometime later, Nika pushes me through my apartment door. I’m lying on the floor before the door has even shut behind us.

My life is collapsing, burying me under a pile of rubble with no way out. My body is shaking as I cry and scream. It’s over and it hurts so fucking much. He’s gone. Mathéo is gone and he’s not coming back. I’m not what he wants. How did I convince myself that this could work out? How could I let myself fall so deeply? How could I have been so naive?

But it was real. We were real. Mathéo’s voice rings in my ears. “Do you know why I’m here? I like you ...” Mathéo.

Mathéo... shit. Oh my God! Like a bucket of ice water realization washes over me and brings me back to reality. “Mathéo! He ran out and now he’s alone. I have to call him. I...”

As quickly as Nika grabs my arm, she must have been kneeling next to me the whole time. “Shh. He’s not alone. élias is with him. They’re probably on their way to our place right now.”

“Why is he doing this?”

“Mathéo is an asshole, but élias is not.”

A small, pained sound slips out at her harsh words. “Mathéo is not an asshole. Not with me. That’s just a front...” The tears are back. I lost him. This beautiful man who showed me so much of himself.

“A front for what?” Nika’s words are harsh, she can’t forgive him, even after so many years.

“A front for the sensitive little boy who was never allowed to be weak, even if he always felt that way...”

“What happened, Micki? I’d like to understand what’s going on.”

I take a deep breath and try to speak. “We spoke last week about our siblings. I told him that I have three sisters and he just laughed and felt sorry for my father. You know, five women in the house.”

Nika exhales with a deep sigh and lowers her head. “Shit. He thought you were a woman.”

I just nod quietly. “But I don’t understand why. I was always myself. I rarely wore make-up and only after shows. I was completely me.”

“Micki...” She gently strokes my curls. I’ve seen her doing this to Philipp before and now I understand why he enjoys it so much. “There’s a reason why you dance the female part with us and it goes off without a hitch. You have a very feminine face, even without make-up, and he didn’t see much more of you in the last few months.”

I shake my head vehemently. “But my Instagram profile?”

“It’s obvious to me too, but I know you. You could just as easily pass for a tomboy. You both saw what you wanted to see.”

I was so afraid of this very moment when I started talking with Mathéo. That I would fall for him but never be able to have him. Because I’m not a woman and Mathéo is straight. He never said anything else about himself. That was all in my head.

I can’t remember how I got there, but I’m sitting on the sofa with my legs drawn up, staring into space, when the doorbell snaps me out of my thoughts. Mathéo?

My first thought is him, but that’s no surprise. Every thought revolves around him. Wordlessly, Nika gets up to open the door.

“Hey, how is he? We got back as fast as we could.” Philipp.

“Come in. He’s in the living room.”

He floats across the room with soft, elegant steps sitting down next to me and pulling me into his lap. He wraps both arms around my tiny shoulders and holds me. Tight, so tight, and I let myself fall like I never could with Nika, because I need physical contact, something that Nika can’t give. At least not like this, and not to me.

“I’m so sorry he doesn’t feel about you the way you do about him.” My heart breaks at Philipp’s words into an infinite number of tiny little pieces. Even if I manage to put it back together somehow, it will never be the same again. Because Mathéo’s feelings for me aren’t the problem, he said so himself. My cock is. The only problem that will never go away. Never.