Page 29

Micki

“Are you coming for a drink?” Philipp taps me on the shoulder as he passes. I glance at my watch. Actually, I have a phone date with Mathéo, like every night.

“Micki, come on! We don’t see each other anymore except at practice. We miss you!” The little pout that Philipp is sporting probably works on Adrien, but I’m pretty immune.

“But Mathéo...”

“You can talk on the phone tomorrow, or later tonight. Come on. Please.” Admittedly, I’ve probably been neglecting my friends a bit over the past few weeks. But I miss Mathéo every second we’re not together so much that it hurts.

“Okay, I’ll come with you, but I need to go home first. Where are we going? Eckbank or are we trying some place new?” The Eckbank is a quaint little pub in the eastern part of the city. Philipp and Adrien and I live in the neighborhood.

“Eckbank it is. We’ll wait for you!” With a pat on the shoulder, Philipp pushes past me.

We get settled at the bar and only a short time later, the inquisition starts. “Any exciting news? Spill!” Philipp’s eyes sparkle curiously, and a conspiratorial smile plays around his lips. “Mathéo and you, you’re seriously together now?”

I’m about to reply when Nika rolls her eyes and snorts exaggeratedly. “Mathéo is never serious with anyone. He’s fucking his way through life. It’s always been like that and you’re not going to change that, Micki. Sorry.”

“Nika? What the fuck?” Philipp stares at his best friend with wide eyes and I just want to disappear. I slowly sink back into my chair, my chin falling onto my chest as a lump forms in my throat, making it incredibly difficult to swallow.

“Why? We all know that I’m right. What does he want from you anyway? From you as a man? Are you just a pretty accessory or does he touch you? Does he fuck you like he did so many women before you?”

My eyes stay firmly in my lap as I try to form an answer, but Philipp beats me to it. “I’m sure everything is perfectly fine in the bedroom. And it’s absolutely normal for them to take things slowly at first. It can be super confusing when you suddenly realize you’re attracted to another man. It definitely was for me, and I was a teenager, not a grown man one hundred percent sure I was straight. Mathéo has spent his whole life assuming he only likes women.”

“Oh, that he did!” The bite in Nika’s tone runs painfully through my body and I feel tears welling up. This conversation hits me in my most sensitive spot and fuels my greatest fear that Mathéo will realize at some point that he doesn’t want a man after all. Because no matter what I wear, this is who I am and that’s not ever changing.

I need to get out of here. It was a mistake to come out. Nika can’t see Mathéo for who he is today, she cannot accept the idea that he may have changed in the last eight years, and she can’t hold back her opinion. That’s just her and usually I love her for that. “I have to go.”

I get up quickly putting some money on the table on my way out. I hear Philipp following me, but I don’t want to talk now. “Hey, wait, I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s gotten into Nika. She’s not usually that mean.”

I know that, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less and it doesn’t make me any less insecure. “It’s okay. The two of them go way back and Nika can’t forget how much he hurt élias.”

Philipp shrugs his shoulders helplessly. “I think she just wants to protect you. You’re like a little brother to us. That doesn’t give her the right...”

“I can appreciate that, but I didn’t ask for her protection.” With those words, I give Philipp a quick hug, then turn around and leave. I don’t look back, even though I’m sure Philipp is still standing on the corner waiting to wave me goodbye.

***

My apartment door clicks shut behind me and I slide down the door. What a fucked-up night and on top of it I missed out on talking to Mathéo on the phone. Fuck...

I pull my phone out of my back pocket. Just three words, but they need to get out.

“ Tu me manques. ” I miss you. It feels like only a second later when my phone vibrates with a video call.

“Hey, you’re still awake.” I’m so relieved to see his face, to hear his voice.

“Yes, but I didn’t expect you to be home so early. Is everything okay?” My head falls back, and I take a deep breath. “What happened?” His concern is palpable in every word.

“Nika asked what you even want from me and... if you even want to touch me. Me as a... man.” Repeating Nika’s words hurts no less than hearing them.

Mathéo snorts softly, but he doesn’t sound annoyed or angry, as a small smile plays around his lips and he shakes his head imperceptibly. “When I saw you for the first time, I was fascinated by your height, your slim body, your non-existent curves, your long slender fingers and your deep, smoky voice. Then I got to know you and fell for you. For your open and challenging manner, for the way you talk to me. Interested, approachable and my equal in every way. You swept me off my feet and every phone call felt like a new adventure. When I found out you were a man, it knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I had lost everything until I realized that everything I loved about you was still there. That you’re still you. The only thing that had changed was that we’d stopped talking and that felt so wrong.” I feel a tear running down my cheek and a second one right after. “Does it fuck with my head that I fell for a man? Oh, hell yes. I grew up with my asshole father drumming into me from a young age that there’s nothing more unmanly than being gay and fuck, it’s hard to get his voice out of my head. But it doesn’t matter what he says, because nothing feels wrong with you. It’s never felt so good to be with someone as it does with you, never felt so right.”

My tears run, unrestrained and unstoppable. Nika’s harsh words in my head blur with sobs and whimpers. What would she say if she heard Mathéo’s words? “When can I see you again?”

“I can be with you in three and a half hours. I don’t have any more meetings this week and my father isn’t coming either. I can work from home.”

I must have fallen asleep, because I slowly wake up when a warm body snuggles up to me from behind. Mathéo, finally. I recognize him by his scent, by the feel of his chest hair on my back and the way his hand rests on my stomach.

I let my hips roll back to greet him and oh fuck, he’s just as naked as I am. We’ve never slept naked before. His semi-hard cock presses between my ass cheeks and a deep moan rumbles in his chest. “Keep it up and you’ll have to deal with the consequences.”

His tone is not stern or dismissive. Rather the opposite, it’s challenging, provocative and I can’t help but take my chances. Once again, I push my hips into his crotch and his cock is now full mast for me.

I love the sounds he makes, so sexy, so sensual, so uninhibited. Seriously, I can’t possibly hold still. I roll my hips for the third time as his hand on my chest jerks me a little closer to his torso behind me, his cock wedged tightly between my ass cheeks.

Damn it, and now he’s rolling his hips. Short, firm thrusts. Each time his cock grazes my hole and oh my God, I would love to have him inside me. But I take what Mathéo can give me—he sets the pace and I enjoy whatever comes.

“Do you like that?” His voice trembles, his breathing is frantic. “Or do you like it better this way?” He squeezes my nipple with his thumb and forefinger. Firmly. So hard that it stings. So good that a hot wave rushes through my body, and I cry out loud.

Mathéo grins from behind me. “That sounded good, but it could be even better.” Firmly and without a hint of restraint, he grabs my cock and jerks down once. Damn, I love it when he takes control and shows me how much he wants me.

“Fuck yes... Just like that... So good... Don’t stop...” His hips and his hand move in the same rhythm and drive me crazy. Mathéo’s body tenses behind me, he cries out as I feel his warm cum in the crack of my ass and I follow after two more pumps. Together we give in and let the overwhelming wave of pleasure carry us away.

“Why is everything so different with you? Why is everything so much better with you?” The questions keep coming. Mathéo’s nose presses into my neck and I can barely understand him, but it’s enough.

Everything about this moment is so incredibly perfect. His naked body against mine, his irregular breathing on my skin and his little moans in my ear. Everything about me is sticky, but I couldn’t care less. I don’t want to move to clean up, and I don’t want Mathéo to get up either. And so, I pull him a little closer to me and drift off to sleep.

***

When we wake, I realize our cum has dried and glued his pubic hair to my ass. With small movements, I try to loosen myself without hurting him. It’s gross and I’m just waiting for Mathéo to jump up in disgust.

“We should have taken a shower last night.” I flinch, startled, when I hear Mathéo’s deep voice in my ear. He sounds a little raspy, but more in a “Shit, we’re so stupid” way instead of a “Fuck, this is gay! What am I doing here?” tone.

“Good morning, mon chou. Did you sleep well?” Gentle kisses wander from my neck over my shoulders and Mathéo’s fingertips play in my curls. That feels so good. Without thinking, I turn onto my stomach.

“Ouch, ah damn it. This must be what waxing feels like.” Contorted in pain but laughing, Mathéo lets himself fall onto his back holding his crotch.

How can he be so cool about this? Why isn’t he freaking out? Why am I the one questioning everything and not him?

“Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry. Shit, I... let me see.” I wave my hands frantically in the air, completely out of my mind. My first impulse is to push his hand away, but I don’t dare.

“Hey.” Two warm, soft hands cup my face, thumbs stroking my cheekbones. “Calm down. Nothing happened. Why are you so nervous?”

“Why are you so fucking calm?” That slipped out. I didn’t mean to say that but I wait for an answer anyways. Mathéo just closes his eyes, then a snort of laughter breaks the silence when he lowers his forehead to mine.

“Because I’m with you.” With these words, he gives me a kiss and rolls out of bed, his cock hanging limply between his thighs. Shouldn’t he be hard for me again by now? “Are you coming?”

Mathéo puts his hand out in front of my nose and I instinctively grab it. Effortlessly, he pulls me up and towards the bathroom. I stumble after him with the grace of a hippopotamus. Hell, could I be any more embarrassing? If I don’t get myself in check, he’ll soon be done with me.

“In you go, the water’s warm.” He emphatically pushes me under the warm jet of water and follows suit.

I close my eyes and let myself fall against the tiles. The next second, I feel Mathéo’s body on mine and his head on my shoulder. Long, strong fingers wrap around my wrists and I feel him inhale deeply pressing his chest against mine. Shouldn’t I be the one reassuring him, dealing with his insecurities?

His crotch presses against my hard cock but I feel no resistance. We are skin on skin and Mathéo still doesn’t find me sexy enough to be aroused. Nika’s words echo in my head. “What does he want from you anyway? From you as a man?”

Nothing obviously. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” My voice shakes and I hate myself for it.

Mathéo lifts his head abruptly. “What? What makes you think I don’t want this?” His wet curls stick to his head, and I would love to kiss away the drops running down his face. But I don’t. My doubts eat away at me and at that moment I hate Nika for doing this to me.

While my cock stands like a tree, his still lies limp next to it as I look carefully between us. Mathéo follows my gaze. “You mean because I’m not hard?” I nod quickly, unable to bear eye contact right now. “Hey, look at me. I told you about this.” Light blue eyes penetrate me so deeply that I know I can never let them go without doing some serious damage to myself. “I don’t get hard easily, I never have, remember? I need time, and foreplay. I need to touch you, and I want you to touch me. I need images in my head, or your voice in my ear.”

“But last night...”

A light laugh rolls through Mathéo’s body and he presses his stubbly cheek against mine. “When you finally woke up, I was hard, yes. You slept like a baby, so I had some time to... explore.”

“Do you need more time with me than with... because I’m a man?” My voice is so quiet that I’m surprised Mathéo can hear me at all.

Smiling, he shakes his head. Oh God, I’ve always had a thing for the sharp sting of three-day stubble on my skin. “No, mon chou, not at all. When we’re close it happens really fast.”

In confirmation of his words, he pushes his hips into mine. Not much, but enough to feel him. He’s not fully there yet, but definitely on his way. “Let me wash you, okay? Eyes closed.”

I drop my eyelids and nod, nervous about what will happen. Whether he’ll go further than last time. The shower gel clicks open, then closed, and two hands touch my chest. They wander over my body, not missing a single spot. I think Mathéo has finished when his hand moves between my ass cheeks. I admire this man who kissed another man for the first time three weeks ago and is now circling my hole with one finger without restraint. He’s moving very gently, almost feeling his way around rather than actually playing with it, but he’s still so brave.

All my nerves down there react at once, my hips jerk forward in search of friction and Mathéo moans loudly as our dicks touch. As if by reflex, my hand wraps around both of us and I let it slide slowly up and down.

“Fuuuck...” Just that one word, but his whole body screams for more. I can feel it in the way he presses his head into my neck, in his rapid breathing, huffing irregularly over my wet shoulder. His legs start to tremble, and he takes his finger off my ass to hold onto my flanks with both hands. His fingernails press between my ribs and I can’t believe he’s letting me do this.