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Valérie - 25 years later

If I were just a tiny bit dramatic, I would say today is the worst day of my life. No, no one has died, all the people I care about are doing fantastic.

My fathers are chatting animatedly with their best friends. They are still close and so are we kids. They laugh together and, if after more than 25 years together, someone looks at me the way my Papa looks at my Paps... fuck, then I’ve done everything right.

I have no idea who that would be though, because the boy—man—I always wanted is getting married today. Ever since I saw him for the first time at the age of six, he fascinated me, irritated me, made me angry. I tried everything to get some kind of reaction, but nothing. Nothing for twelve years until he met the person he is marrying today.

After twelve years, I got to see what it means when he loves, but unfortunately that romantic love was not directed at me. Even though he’s my closest friend and I’m so happy for them after everything they’ve been through, I’d love to be the person walking down that flower-strewn aisle towards the love of their life.

“Who spit in your champagne?”

“Huh?” Startled, I turn to my right and flinch.

“Wow, what a reaction. We’re not that bad now, even if I have to admit that probably 100% of the men here are better looking than us.” The laughter bursts out of me before I can stop it. The stranger next to me is correct, and normally I would say it straight to his face, but somehow it won’t come out.

He's not ugly, but I don’t think he’s really attractive either. He’s inconspicuously average... I think that describes him quite well. He’s just about as tall as me, 6’1’’, which isn’t short, I just prefer my men taller. But his voice is soft and warm, lively and somehow exciting. It’s a voice that you’d still like to listen even if it’s reading the phone book.

The voice is the reason why we are still standing here together at all.

“Leave it, none of us are her type.” In a flash, my head swivels to the left and I see nothing but navy blue. Shirt, tie, jacket, but no face until I look up another seven inches and yep, he’s right, not my type either.

Still, I can’t look away. He’s huge. Not fat, but he’s both wide and tall. I prefer my men slim and muscular. Teddy bears are not my thing. At least not usually, but his deep brown eyes do something to me.

I can see from his look that he knows exactly what’s going to happen, and he’s almost challenging me to prove to him right. He knows he has no chance with me, and he wants me to confirm that. He looks so vulnerable. How many times has he been rejected before me and how much more can he take before he breaks? Or maybe he’s already broken, but still manages to keep up the facade? He’s so calm, so incredibly calm and I think it’s contagious.

Normally my head is always so loud, things are happening everywhere at the same time, and someone is always shouting. My head is usually Berlin Central Station, now everything is quiet. I look him in the eye, and it feels like someone has pressed pause.

I don’t recognize myself right now and it’s both exciting and unsettling. I’m so focused on both men on either side of me that I startle when two large, slender hands touch my shoulders. “You should get to your seat, ducky, it’s about to start.” And with a kiss on the cheek, my father is gone again.

I see him sitting down next to Papa and lean into his arm.

“Your mother?” One of the men asks and I have to laugh, because even at 50, my Paps still has it. I grew up like that, I don’t know him any differently. For me, he was always my Paps. I never saw the woman in him that so many others see when he wears clothes that are usually categorized in the women’s department.

“You look incredibly alike.”

“My father.” I have to smile. “And we’re not related by blood.” I can feel the question marks in their eyes and I can feel them getting bigger as Papa leans down giving the love of his life a kiss. I want what these two have. “I have to get to my seat.”

“Wait!” A warm hand touches my bare upper arm, and my gaze follows the touch in confusion. He immediately lets go of me, but instead of relief I feel... no, that’s nonsense, complete bullshit. “See you later?” My goodness, he’s got a lot of nerve.

“Leave it.” The gentle giant next to me gives me a quick wave, then turns away, but the other one doesn’t give up. He turns around while walking. “Just one dance.”

END