Page 11

Micki

“First time?”

Mathéo buries his face in his hands and exhales very loudly. He’s on the verge of snorting, which he always does when he feels uncomfortable talking about something.

“Seriously?”

I turn my phone towards my laptop to prove it.

“Shitty?”

“Is that a question? I don’t know what your first time was like, I wasn’t involved.” I laugh and try to take away some of the tension. The question makes him uncomfortable.

“No, no question. Shitty. Period.” His gaze wanders through his bedroom, but doesn’t find mine on the laptop.

“Why? And you can look at me again.”

“Do I have to answer that? Is that part of the game?” Mathéo looks at me almost pleadingly.

“You don’t have to answer that, but I’m terribly curious and I love stories that scratch your perfect facade.”

“I’m not perfect.” His voice is defiant, and I like it more than I’d care to admit.

“I know, your facade is though, and I prefer much more what’s underneath. Show me who you are.” I purse my lips and look at him from underneath with my most adorable puppy eyes.

“You know I can’t refuse you when you talk that way. And don’t look at me like that!” He shakes his head with a slight smile.

It’s incredible how far we’ve come in the last few months. When I see Mathéo now, when I talk to him, there’s very little left of the Mathéo I met at the wedding. He is so much softer, so close to me. “You know I won’t push you into anything, Mathéo, never.”

“No, not at all, you just do some magic stuff with your eyes, and I tell you everything, if I want to or not.”

“That’s just because deep down you want it, you know? Subconsciously.” Laughing, Mathéo shakes his head again. That’s his thing and it’s his way of showing me he has no idea what’s happening to him right now, but he’s following along with me. It’s his way of telling me “Just for you!”

“Okay... I was 15 and she was older. She knew what she was doing and I... not so much.” Mathéo runs a hand through his short curls.

“She was... wild and not really sober and everything just happened too fast for me. She was all over the place with her hands and I didn’t even understand what she was doing and... Oh my God, why am I even telling you this, it’s so embarrassing.” He lowers his head and hides it in his palms.

“There’s nothing embarrassing. You were out of your depth.”

“I couldn’t get it up at first...”

I bite my cheeks hard to stop myself from laughing until I taste blood. I understand that this was anything but funny for Mathéo, but the image he’s selling of himself now just doesn’t fit with this boy whose dick wouldn’t play along the first time. “And then what?”

“Then she touched me, blew me, jerked me off. She probably thought I was older because of my height and didn’t suspect I was still a virgin. When I was reasonably hard, she took out a condom and sat on my cock. She came at some point, or she gave up, I don’t know. In any case, she left. And that was my first time. It just sucked.”

“And you didn’t come?”

Mathéo shakes his head. “Like I said, I wasn’t even really hard.”

“Who knows about this?”

“She and I, and now you. At first I was afraid she’d tell people that I couldn’t... you know. But that never happened. She was probably too scared that I’d spin the story and claim she just wasn’t hot enough.” A sad shrug of the shoulders. “But I did take one thing out of this. Sex and stress don’t go together for me. Quickies in toilets aren’t my thing, at least not when I’ve just met the girl. I need time and don’t want to worry about someone knocking on the door. When I was younger, I always asked the girls if they were still virgins and, when they were, we took it slow.”

I’m honestly surprised, I would’ve never pictured him being that considerate. “Mathéo, don’t take offense, but that’s not even close to your reputation.”

“Why?” Two blue eyes look at me questioningly, his brows furrowed slightly. “My reputation says I have a lot of sex and I’m good at it. Nobody cares about anything else.”

There could be something to it... “So, you’re actually quite a catch and a really nice guy.”

Again, the smile and the shake of the head. “Did you just realize that now?”

“No, but the picture is getting clearer and clearer. Does it still happen today that you can’t get it up?”

“Rarely... only if the woman is too fast for me. But I usually set the pace and conditions very early on and the women follow suit.”

“You like being in control?” My questions are getting more and more intimate, and I wonder when he’ll shut down again.

“Yes and no. If I don’t know a woman, I can’t let loose, not really. Sometimes I meet up with someone more often, just for sex, not a relationship or anything, then it’s easier to give up control. But I’ve never been close enough to anybody to just… let go.”

“Are we close enough?” I shouldn’t ask this question. Could there really be a we like that? Does he really think about being intimate with me? The rational part of my head screams no, but the words just came out of my mouth without permission.

Mathéo swallows hard. I hadn’t expected this reaction, I would have expected a clear no, but his head nods slowly. “I think so... at least it feels like it...”

Shit... my heart is pounding. These feelings that are coming up right now, I know exactly what they mean. I’ve managed to keep them in check for so long. Shit. But why does he have to say something like that? Why does he have to be so damn perfect?

“How was your first time?” Mathéo’s pale skin glows pink and I love making him so nervous.

“I was 16, he was a bit older. He took his time and made sure that he didn’t hurt me. It was okay, but absolutely average. At least I didn’t have to get it up. That definitely made things a lot easier.” I wink at Mathéo, and he laughs. He’s so beautiful when he laughs. Little wrinkles ripple around those unique blue eyes.

“Do you want to play one more question? I don’t want to say goodnight yet.” Sometimes we play late into the night, sometimes just one question because we’re both tired or have to get up early the next day, but I don’t want to let him go just yet.

Mathéo nods quietly and I click the random generator in the app. “Ah, here’s an easy question. Do you have any siblings?”

Mathéo’s answer comes quickly. “No, I’m an only child. But I’ve always wanted siblings. I always had the idea that I wouldn’t have all my father’s attention on me then. I wouldn’t have been alone with his shit.” Resignation oozes from every word and it’s almost painful to listen to him. “But, it’s what it is. You have a sister, right?”

“Three. I have three older sisters.”

“Oh my God! Five women in the house, your poor father!” Mathéo laughs but my face falls. I can feel the shock on my cheeks. My heart is beating far too fast, and my upper lip starts to tingle. No, this isn’t happening. It’s not true. Not after such a long time. Five women. How could this have happened?

“I have to go. I’m so sorry. Good night.” I quickly close my laptop before Mathéo sees the tears welling up in my eyes. FUCK.