Page 43

Micki

“Can I take a photo of this?” Mathéo whispers, but I hear him anyway and open my eyes to look at him. He puts the phone away, walking to me with quiet steps and sits down on the arm of the chair. Kissing my forehead tenderly, he puts his hand on the back of his sleeping daughter. “Suits you.” There is so much love in his eyes, his voice and his gaze.

“She’s like you, stubborn and determined when she wants something. She’s open and approachable, curious and gentle.”

“What would you say if I asked you if… the three of us could be a family... that she would be coming to live with us? I don’t want to give her up for adoption, but I need you to do this with me. Together. As parents.”

I bury my face in Valérie’s curls and breathe in her baby scent. I’ve always wanted to be a father, but as a gay man in Germany that’s more than difficult. My eyes fill with tears and my answer is no more than a stifled whisper. “I’d say yes. There’s nothing I’d rather do.”

“I love you, Micki, so much. Thank you for doing this with me.” I can feel the relief washing over him in every word he’s saying, his gratefulness and his love pouring out of him.

“I love you too. Thank you for letting me be your daughter’s father.”

***

We weren’t allowed to take Valérie with us straight away, but we didn’t expect that. Together with the social worker, we agreed that we would pick her up a week later. This gave us time to equip our apartment for a baby, for the youth welfare office to clarify the legal matters and get the papers ready, and to do a background check on us both. But with two permanent jobs, a large enough apartment and flawless criminal records, we had nothing to worry about.

Today is the day we are taking our girl home with us. The woman from the youth welfare office said we could have her name changed if we didn’t like Valérie. But she got her name from her mother, who loved her so much that she made provisions for all eventualities to ensure that her daughter would grow up with her father. She probably didn’t expect there to be two fathers, but I won’t love her any less. Valérie remains Valérie.

The handover takes place at the youth welfare office. We drove to Dijon yesterday; we would have been too nervous this morning. Mathéo is an anxious wreck, so I banished him to the passenger side. We don’t want the child to lose her father too. Her fathers.

In two hours, we’ll be on our way home with our daughter. The thought is overwhelming.

“Everything will be fine. We’re taking Valérie with us. If something wasn’t right, we’d have gotten a call. It’s all just a formality.” Mathéo nods absently and I squeeze his thigh.

“What would I do without you? You’re everything to me, you know that?” My heart opens a little wider for this man, who this time last year still thought he had fallen in love with a woman, who fought against the voices in his head and for his heart. And for me. My heart is wide open for the man who’s decided to share not only his life and his heart with me, but also his daughter. Who makes me his family. Something he never wanted, but he wants it with me.

Mathéo only relaxes when the social worker holds out a squealing and flailing Valérie to him. “Congratulations and all the best for your little family.”

Mathéo clumsily reaches for his daughter and places her on his left hip. Valérie looks at him with wide, curious eyes as he strokes her cheek gently.

“Hey my girl, I’m your Papa. I already love you to the moon and back,” Mathéo whispers. In response, Valérie grabs his finger, putting it in her mouth. Everyone laughs and she chews.

“I had no idea such small teeth could be so pointy.” He laughs, his eyes searching for mine. “Come here, we miss you.”

I almost feel guilty disturbing their unity, but I can’t refuse his request. I reach around them with both arms and lean my head on Mathéo’s shoulder. “Valérie, this is your Paps. He’ll speak German with you and when you keep secrets from me one day, you’ll both speak German and I won’t understand a word.”

I laugh out loud, I like the idea.

“Hey ducky, we’re so happy having you,” I whisper softly in her ear. She immediately turns in my direction reaching her arms out towards me. I take my child and Mathéo kisses us both on the forehead.

“Let’s go.”

About sixty miles from home, I send my parents a text: “We’re on the road, can we come by? We’ll be there in an hour.”

The answer comes in quickly. “We’re at home. Come on over.”

We didn’t tell anyone what was going on with us. It made us both feel better to wait until everything was wrapped up. Now we’re here and I’m nervous. Mathéo takes the baby seat out of the car, but Valérie gets frantic wanting out. She squirms and cries and screams until I take her in my arms. From there, she beams at us both and we laugh. At eight months old, the little one already has us wrapped around her finger.

We ring the doorbell, and I hear my mother behind the door, talking enthusiastically with my father. When the door opens, she’s turned backwards. “No Jürgen, we don’t need to go any further ... Oh my God, who is this! Jürgen! Come quickly! Hey sweet baby, who are you?”

My mother wants to stroke Valérie’s cheek, but she presses herself close to me. To me . I’m not even her flesh and blood and yet she has already made me her safe place. I could cry and inwardly I swear to her that I will never betray this trust.

My mother switches to English to include Mathéo in the conversation. “Who is she? Where is she from? What is she doing with you?”

“This is Valérie, Mathéo’s daughter ...”

“Our daughter!”

“Our daughter, but Mathéo is the biological father. Can we come in? It’s chilly out here and Valérie isn’t wearing enough clothing.”

“Heavens, yes, please, in you go. Go straight through to the living room. Your father can’t seem to get off his butt... Jürgen!” I love their banter, these two together are better than any comedy.

“Oh, what a nice young lady have you brought with you? It’s a girl, isn’t it?” The foster home has dressed Valérie completely in gender conforming pale pink, what else is she supposed to be? Terrible. I hate pink. In all shades.

“This is Valérie. Mathéo’s daughter.”

“Our daughter,” Mathéo grumbles, his words more important to me than I would have thought. He sees us as equals in parenthood, even if I don’t have any formal rights yet.

“Now tell me, what’s this all about?” My mother gets impatient, and I have to grin. Typical.

“Her mother was in an accident, but had made arrangements for Valérie to come to Mathéo if anything happened to her. We were allowed to take her with us today.”

Shocked, my mother presses her hands to her mouth. “Oh my God, how awful. And you didn’t know you had a child?”

Mathéo shakes his head. “Not until last week. We weren’t in a relationship, we only met now and then... until I met Micki.”

“And now?”

“Now she belongs to us. And to you, if you want that.” He scratches the back of his neck, almost embarrassed, but my mother takes him in her arms and holds him tight. He needs that sometimes and my mother loves him like her own.

My parents have been more parents to Mathéo in the last few months than his own parents have been in the last 28 years, and he is learning to accept their love.

“Oh my God! Of course! And if you need help, call anytime.” She sits down next to me on the sofa. “Hello Valérie, we’re your grandma and grandpa. And we can’t wait to get to know you.”

Valérie smiles at her, still cuddled close me. Mathéo’s lower lip trembles as he stands up slowly, only to get down on one knee in front of me.

“You’re not going to do what I think you’re going to do, are you?” My voice is choked with tears. I’m such a crybaby when it comes to this man.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved, and I can’t live without you. But you know that. Now I have a second little person, and I want us to love her together. I want us to be a family, not just in our hearts but with all the rights and responsibilities. If I asked you now if you’d marry me, what would you say?”

“I would say yes!”

“And what would you say if I asked you if you wanted to adopt Valérie after the wedding?”

“Are you serious?” Tears stream down my cheeks.

“The two of us are a package deal now together, and I’m very serious.”

“I would say yes!”

“And if I asked you to take my name as our family name, what would you say?”

“I would say yes.”