Page 40

Mathéo

“Your legs are scratchy.” Micki flinches at my words, startled. “And your happy trail is showing a bit too.”

I run my index finger tenderly from Micki’s belly button to his waistband.

“Shit, I haven’t shaved for the last few days, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. When I’m in the shower ...” My lips press against Micki’s and I try to shut him up with a passionate kiss, but he pushes me away.

“Let me finish, please. If my hair bothers you, if it’s too masculine for you, then... Oh shit, what are you doing?”

I grab Micki’s crotch with a firm grip and his head falls into his neck. “But you are a man.”

“Yeah, but... I thought maybe that... you wouldn’t like it.” He’s cute when he stutters.

“You’re afraid I won’t like it if you show your masculine side?”

Micki shrugs his shoulders sheepishly. “That pretty much sums it up, I think.”

“Mon chou, I fell in love with you, as a person. Admittedly, I probably would never have acted on my feelings for you if I had known you were a man, so I’m just grateful that everything happened the way it did. But I know with every fiber of my being that you are a man. I know it when I see you and I know it when I have my eyes closed. I know it when I’m awake, and I know it when I dream about you. I know it when you wear heels and a jumpsuit, and I know it in baggy jeans and sneakers. I thought you were doing the hair thing for you, because that’s what you want. Not for me.”

Shaking his head, lost in thought, Micki plays with my chest hair, and I wait for his reply. Suddenly he lifts his head. “I’m not doing it for you. I wear my clothes because I love how I feel in them, the cuts and the way they envelop my body. That’s me. It’s always been me, even as a child, you can ask my sisters. And my role in the crew is clearly defined, I’m dancing the female part, so hair on my stomach and beard are a big no. But it’s real work and sometimes I’m just a bit lazy.”

I search his eyes with a grin. “So that means your patients at work know you with a beard?” I reach under Micki’s chin with two fingers, push it up and kiss along the rough line formed by his slight stubble. He doesn’t have as much beard growth as I would have imagined given his dark hair and eyes.

“Not last year, but before that. At least when they had their appointments on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.”

“And not last year because of me?”

“I was afraid that you’d suddenly realize ‘Shit, that’s really a man’ and that it would disgust you or something.” He looks at me with a shrug.

A loud laugh bubbles up inside me, and I can’t stop it. “And it didn’t occur to you that I became fully aware of that fact the moment I had your cock in my hand for the first time?” Slowly but purposefully, my hand moves into Micki’s boxer briefs and my fingers grip tightly.

“I don’t know. Sometimes... ah shit, that’s good... Sometimes I’m still afraid that I won’t be enough for you in the end.”

“I’ve slept with women for twelve years, and none of them made me feel the way you do. I don’t care what you are, and that word was intentional. You could be some monster from one of your fantasy porn books for all I care. I love you for you. You as a person, with everything that belongs to you. And if this means sexy little curls on your stomach, then I love you with them too.”

Micki’s gaze holds mine and I can see his eyes fill with tears. “You think I’m sexy?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Even with hair?”

“Always.”

***

I don’t want to go home. Or do I? Micki and I spent almost two weeks here on ?le de Saint-émile in our own little perfect world. When I get into the car here, no matter where I get out, nothing will be the same as before. Somehow I thought I had more time to process all these changes that are about to happen. Now I have two weeks to clear out my penthouse in Dijon and start a new job.

My head is spinning, but I’m also excited to finally be with Micki daily, to share my life with him. Coming home to him in the evening and not being alone.

“Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours?” élias nudges me from the side. “And don’t say nothing now, I’ve known you too long for that.”

“I’m nervous. So many changes in the next few weeks.”

“Are you having doubts?” élias’s gaze is penetrating, which is perhaps why I tried to keep him as small as possible in the past. He understands too much and if he dares to ask the questions that are on the tip of his tongue, he is dangerous.

I’m no longer afraid, though. “No, I’d hoped I’d have more time, but I’ve never been so sure. Micki is my person and that won’t change, no matter how much time passes.”

“You know, all through school you always had the prettiest girls. I always wondered what type of girl it would take to tie you down.”

I shake my head with a smile, because even though I identify as bisexual (Micki says I’m more pan, but I don’t care enough to pick the label apart), I’m not so sure about that anymore. Yes, I always had the prettiest girls and women, not because I liked them though, but because it was expected, and they were easy to get. “What would you say if I told you that I didn’t particularly like any of them?”

In a flash, élias turns his head in my direction, his eyebrows drawn together questioningly. “You don’t have to answer me, but... Mathéo Gaillard, are you gay?”

I don’t know how long I stare into nothingness before I answer. “Honestly, I have no idea about all these definitions and labels, and they don’t really matter to me. I love Micki, everything about him. He was the first person who didn’t just see the asshole incapable of forming relationships, only interested in the quick hot fuck in me. No one knows me as well as he does and I’m incredibly grateful that he still loves me more than anything. I’m not straight, maybe I’m gay, but it doesn’t matter, I’ve found my person.”

***

The last two months have been hectic, but wonderful. In four hours, I had all my personal belongings out of the penthouse. Micki and I are enjoying every second in each other’s company. Breakfast together every morning, dinner and cuddling in front of the TV. Meeting friends together and running races in the woods. My new colleagues are nice, and I enjoy my work. We regularly visit Micki’s parents, who welcomed me into their family so easily and without hesitation, and I am so grateful to them. Micki’s mom mothers me like her own child and I always discuss the latest soccer results with his dad.

Speaking of soccer, I’ve found a new team thanks to a work colleague. Everything is slowly finding its place and a rhythm, and we couldn’t be happier.

“Schnuck! Your phone is ringing!”

“I need a minute, pick it up!”

I hear Micki’s voice from the living room while I’m still brushing my teeth in the bathroom. He’s starting work a little later today and we were able to sleep a little longer, but I have to leave in a few minutes.

“Who is this again, please?... Um, okay, just a second please.”

Something is wrong, I can hear it in his voice as I make my way into the living room. “The youth welfare office. In Dijon.”