Page 14

Mathéo

Everything is blurred. I can barely see what’s happening around me, where I’m going. élias has somehow found out where my car is parked with my last route in Google Maps and pulls me along with him. One arm firmly around my shoulder. It doesn’t feel half as weird as I thought.

Physical closeness between men isn’t a thing I grew up with. Celebratory hugs during soccer, yes, but that’s different. Not like now, not when someone is feeling bad. Keep your shit together! Be a man.

élias grabs the car keys out of my pocket, pushing me to the passenger side.

“Do you even have a driver’s license?” I’m an asshole.

“Just because I didn’t have a car right away when I was eighteen doesn’t mean I didn’t get a driver’s license.” His voice is calmer and more kind than I deserve. “You just never cared enough about anyone but yourself to ask. But don’t worry, I can drive. For a good nine years, as you can do the math.”

Nothing he says is wrong, yet everything stings. The drive seems to go on forever, there’s no music playing, only the rain pattering persistently against the windows. At some point, I see the River Rhine to my right. We’re crossing the border. “Where are we going?”

“Our apartment. In Strasbourg.”

I feel panic rising in my chest. She can’t see me like this, Nika can’t see me like this. No one is allowed to see me like this... no one except... Micki.

The realization is like a blow to the gut. I can’t breathe anymore. I want to breathe, but I can’t. My lips go numb, my ears are ringing. I am suffocating. Everything is black. I need air. What is happening to me? Far away, I hear élias’s voice, but I can’t understand what he’s saying. Hands on my cheeks. There are hands on my cheeks. One hand. And one on my chest. “Mathéo, hey! Can you hear me?”

I nod quickly, unable to speak.

“You have too much oxygen, you need to exhale.” No, I shake my head. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. “I’ll count to five and you exhale to five. Can you do that for me?”

I have no idea. I desperately inhale. My breaths are too short, nothing is coming in. élias starts counting, but by two I’m already gasping for air again. My face is numb, I can no longer feel anything and élias’s voice is getting weaker in my ear. I feel like I’m diving into nothingness without knowing the way back. What is happening to me? Exhale.

“One more time! You can do it! One-two-three-four, that was great, keep it up!” He’s getting louder. “And again! One-two-three-four-five! Just like that! Again.”

I don’t know how long he’s counting and I’m breathing, but at some point it gets easier, and I feel like my lungs can work properly again. The fog clears and the darkness lifts.

“Come on, let’s go inside. You must be totally exhausted.” Nika is forgotten when I let élias take me to the sofa. Completely sucked empty, I fall into the cushions.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I open my eyes again, everything is dark. “Hey, you’re awake? How are you?”

Is this a joke? What’s the point of asking? It’s crystal clear how I feel, isn’t it?

“Shitty?” I shrug my shoulders helplessly. How else am I supposed to feel? I had a what-the-hell-whatever-that-was and the woman I fell in love with is a man. Tears immediately well up in my eyes.

“Okay, that was a stupid question. Sorry.” Hanging his head, élias starts to leave the room again.

“It’s okay. Hey, uhm, what happened earlier, what was that? How did you know how to get me out of it?”

“Do you remember the summer on ?le de Saint-émile?” What the hell? Of course, I remember our vacation where he snatched away the girl I wanted. I nod in confirmation. “Do you remember when we were in the pool and Tom held Nika?”

The panic attack, shit. “Yes, I remember,” I admit meekly.

“You had a panic attack.”

“Like Nika. That’s why you knew what to do. Because of her, because she has them too.” I can barely hear myself as I speak.

“It’s different with her and she reacts differently when I try to get to her, but I had an idea, yes.” My guilty conscience is getting bigger and bigger. I was nasty about Nika back then and it wasn’t okay. I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through something like that again and again. Knowing exactly what’s happening, but not able to do anything about it. What would have happened to me if élias hadn’t been there? Fuck, I don’t even want to think about it. I want to apologize, I want to tell him what a huge asshole I was. That I understand what Nika sees in him, that he’s a damn good friend. But none of it comes out.

“Where’s Nika?” That comes out. Respect, Mathéo, strong performance. I’m so pathetic.

“She’s with Micki.” Micki. I can’t help it, tears well up in my eyes, my chest gets tight, and it hurts so much. So fucking much. I turn to the back of the sofa curling up as small as I can and for the first time in my life I really don’t give a shit.

I don’t give a shit what élias is thinking of me, I don’t give a shit if I cry like a girl. Tears and snot collect in the pillow beneath me. The sounds I make are anything but manly, but I couldn’t care less. For the first time in my life, I can feel myself. The real me, with all the feelings that go along with that. With this pain that almost tears me apart and all the feelings that I don’t know what to do with because the woman I fell in love with doesn’t exist.

A large hand rests gently on my shoulder, and it feels better than I would ever have been willing to admit. I grab it and hold on tight.

“You really like Micki.” What kind of statement is that? What’s not to like about Micki? She’s funny, she’s cheeky, she’s... he is. Fuck! He is.

I nod. “But he’s a man.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change anything about him as a person. He’s still the same, you know. Still the same person you fell for. For the first time in your life.” I snort loudly and shake my head. How the hell does he know that?

“Mathéo, I’ve known you since elementary school. I’ve never seen you like this before. I’m not saying you have to make any decisions now. But I can tell you from experience that sometimes it really pays off to listen to your heart, or you might miss out on the best thing that could have ever happened to you in life.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I’ve asked this question before, but I didn’t get an answer.

“Honestly, I thought it was obvious. I was wondering why you were texting with him, but this outcome never crossed my mind. I’m sorry, I really am.” Me too. So much. But I don’t say anything.