Page 48 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Lily

A fter the hearing, I make myself get out of bed, but that is the extent of my ambition.

My weekday routines have been thrown out the window, and I’m walking around like I imagine a ghost does.

Aimlessly, without purpose. With Eric being arrested, the decision for my job is up in the air.

I’ll find out soon enough at the board meeting, and if they decide to terminate my contract, I’m not sure what’s next.

As far as the Birdies. I’ve all but given up on that.

I’m not sure I deserve it all that much, anyway.

One more week passes, and then MJ shows up at my door. Well, more like she bursts through it without a care for personal property or space.

“Get up,” she says walking through the door as if she owns the place. “We need to talk, but first, you’re going to get out of this house..”

I’ve moved from the bed to the couch and managed to brush my hair, but I’m still a far cry from presentable.

“Sorry. Can’t,” I say, indicating the television. “I have a show to watch.”

I can’t even tell you what’s playing, but MJ doesn’t need to know that.

Unfortunately, this is MJ I’m talking to, and she doesn’t really take no for an answer .

She narrows her eyes, and I won’t lie—it’s a little terrifying.

“You look like your mom when you make that face,” I say, popping a piece of popcorn into my mouth and turning my attention back to the television so I can stare through it.

I hear a growl before the screen goes black.

“Hey,” I cry, whipping my head around to find MJ hovering over me. “Turn that back on.”

She’s holding the remote in her left hand. I lunge for it, but she sidesteps me.

“First of all,” she says, shoving her hands on her hips. “We’ll talk about you basically accusing me of being my mother in a moment. Second of all, you’re not getting this remote back until you get your butt up off that couch and out the front door. You need some fresh air, and we need to talk.”

Her foot taps a steady pace against my hardwood floors, and she purses her lips in the same way Abigail does when she is determined to get her way.

I figure it’s safer not to mention that to MJ, though.

She looks a little deranged. So, with a giant heave and a grumble about her not being my mother—to which she responds with a thank goodness for that— I get off the couch and follow her out the door.

MJ sits on the front step, and I try not to wince at the memory of sitting there with Theo. And when I can’t fight off that wince, I choose to stand.

“I’m out here,” I say, with zero emotion in my voice. “Now, what do you want.”

“Your neighbors thought you died.

It’s so unexpected that a bark of surprised laughter slips from my lips. “What?”

She levels me with a stare. “I am one hundred percent telling you the truth. Hayes received a well check for you, and when he called me to see if I’d heard from you, I told him I’d come over here and check on you.

Since you haven’t answered any of my texts or calls for the past two weeks, I figured I’d be walking into a dead body. ”

I can hear the sarcasm in her voice on that last part, but I choose to ignore it.

“Well, as you can see. I’m alive. You did your civic duty. You can go now.”

MJ narrows her eyes at the hint of irritation in my voice. I’m being a bad friend. I know I am, yet I can’t seem to make myself stop. I wait for her to get up and leave me in my misery, but instead, she smiles, and it, too, is a little scary.

“You forget, Lily. I used to be the queen of pushing people away. I’m not going anywhere. I heard about what happened at court. Theo got custody, and Eric was arrested. That’s great for Tanner.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “It is.”

“So why don’t you look so happy?”

“Because while one family got their happy ending, another didn’t.”

Her brows smash down. “What are you talking about.”

“I assume since you’ve heard about the court case, then you also know about Zeb Ellis and his kids.”

“I know that Zeb was arrested at that ballgame. I couldn’t come to that one, but Hayes told me about it. I also know that his daughter ended up in foster care, but that’s about it—besides the fact that Zeb was working for Eric. What does this have to do with anything?”

I stare out toward my neighbor’s yard, the same neighbors who had called in a well check for me because they hadn’t seen me for a few days. My lips dip into a frown.

How did I get to the point of avoiding simple connections? My neighbors didn’t even feel comfortable enough to check on me themselves. What does that say about me?

“I’m the one who called social services.” My voice breaks, tears springing to my eyes .

“Oh, Lily, you had to. Is that why you’ve been hiding because you feel bad about that?”

I shake my head. “Not entirely.”

“Then why?”

Taking a deep breath, I finally let out the words I’ve been keeping inside. “Because I’m in love with Theo Sylvis.

MJ doesn’t react. She doesn’t even move. She stares at me blankly, as if I told her it’s sunny outside instead of a secret that has changed my life.

“Did you hear me?” I ask. “I’m in love with Theo Sylvis.”

She looks up from her nails, a bored look on her face. “Oh, I know that. I was waiting for you to get to the part I don’t know.”

My mouth falls open. “You can’t have known that. I didn’t even know that.”

MJ snorts. “There’s a difference between denial and ignorance, and there’s only one of those things that you are not. I’ll give you a hint: you’re pretty smart.”

“We were fake dating,” I blurt out, and pure glee lights up MJ‘s face.

“Now we are getting somewhere.” She grabs my hands like we are two school girls sharing secrets. “Tell me everything.”

How do you explain that you started fake dating so people would think you’re capable of emotion?

“I don’t know if your mom has told you, but I’ve applied to be a Birdie.” MJ scrunches her face but motions for me to continue. So I take a deep breath and push on. “Anyway, I applied for the Birdies, but there were—concerns—with my application.”

“What kind of concerns?”

I shrug. “My personality, mostly. They think I’m cold. Standoffish. Aloof. An Ice Queen. Word it however you want, but it all comes down to the same thing. It was me.”

MJ shakes her head. “I’m still not understanding how this led to you and Theo ‘fake’ dating.” She puts little air quotes around fake.

I pause for a minute, unsure whether or not I should tell her about Theo’s side of the bargain, but in the end, I decide to go with the truth.

“Theo needed to show the judge that he could stay, and I needed people to see me as more than just cold. In the end, what your mom said convinced me to do it. That day after court, when we talked about what Theo could do to help, she mentioned him being in a lasting relationship, and I figured, what could it hurt? It wasn’t like it was real, but it turns out it can hurt a lot. ”

“You know,” MJ says, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. “What’s funny about all this is that you still don’t see it?”

“See what?”

“That it was never fake. I’m sitting here listening to you try to explain the reasons why you chose to ‘fake it,’ but you’re missing the most important one.”

“I don’t understand.”

MJ smiles fully now. “You needed a reason to allow yourself to be in that relationship. I might not know your full story, Lily, but I can identify a girl who’s running. I was one myself. It makes it easier to catch. You’ve been running, but I think you wanted to be caught.”

She’s wrong.

“No. I didn’t.”

She gives me a look, one that screams disbelief. “Fine, let’s say that’s true. What are we doing here? Why did your neighbors call in a well check for you because I haven’t seen you in days?”

“Because the whole town has a problem minding its own business?”

“Mmm-hmm,” she hums. “Try again.”

A long, drawn-out sigh slips from my chest. “Theo and I had a fight.”

“Now we are getting somewhere. About what?”

“About me calling social services.”

“Oh—” MJ’s voice trails off. “Okay, but why? ”

“Theo knew. He knew about Morgan and Mia all summer, and when I found out, I told him we had to call social services. He begged me not to and said they would separate Mia and Morgan. Apparently, he’s been helping them, checking in and watching over them, but I—I couldn’t do that.

I had to call them, and he—uh—he called me cold. ”

One beat of silence passes, and then another. When I look at MJ, she looks horrified, but she’s avoiding my gaze.

“Is something wrong with me? Am I really that bad? I ask, looking away and back to the neighbors.

“Lily, no. You’re not bad. You’re hard to get to know, but that can be said of a lot of people.

” She stops, sighing, and out of the corner of my eye, I see her lean forward, bracing her elbows on her knees.

“My mom included. You were there, maybe not for all of it, but you saw how strained my relationship was with my mom last year. I didn’t understand her, and she didn’t understand me either.

We figured it out, though, but only because we let each other in. Maybe you need to let him in.”

I lick my lips, wiping my hand across my mouth. “He—um—he told me he loved me. After he apologized for calling me cold, he told me he loved me.”

“And you told him you love him back, right?” The sky is suddenly very interesting. I roll my head to study the clouds. “Riiigggttt?” MJ pushes.

“No. I didn’t. Okay?” I say, throwing my hands up.

“What?” MJ cries, “Why not?”

“Because I was scared.. What if it costs me everything? What if I love him back, and it’s not enough?’

MJ shrugs. “What if it is?”

______________________

I’ve been thinking about what MJ said for two days. I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be my mother, but in the same way her addiction controlled her, my fear has controlled me.

That’s not how I want to live my life, though, and I’m going to do something about it—right after the board meeting.

I walk into the meeting with my head held high. No matter what’s decided today, I won’t leave Benton Falls. I’ll find a different job, even if it isn’t in education. This place—this community—it’s my home, and I’m not leaving it.

The other board members are already seated as I take mine. With Eric gone, Abigail is acting as board president, and while I know her vote, I can’t be too sure about any of the others.

“Now that we are all here, let’s get started,” Abigail says.

She stands at the head of the table, commanding the attention of all in the room.

“As you know, at the beginning of the summer, Ms. Carson was put on administrative leave, pending an investigation. In light of recent events with our board president, I would like to put it to a vote to reinstate Ms. Carson as well as extend her contract with the district. Before we vote, however, I have a few things I would like to say.” She pauses, turning to look directly at me as she speaks.

“Lily Carson has been a wonderful addition to both this school district and this town. She is hard working and loves the students she works with. She makes a difference in their lives, and makes hard decisions when the situation demands it. I think we should be proud to have her as our high school principal.”

By the end of Abigail’s speech, my eyes burn with tears. She’s still watching me, and when no one else is watching, I mouth a thank you.

She gives me a wink, and turns her attention back to the board. “So, let’s put it to a vote, shall we?”

Five minutes later, I am reinstated to my job by a unanimous vote. The rest of the board meeting goes by quickly, with only typical topics to discuss. No one mentions Eric, and I can’t say I’m sorry for it.

The board members congratulate me as they walk out the door, but I hang back, waiting to speak to Abigail alone. When the last one is gone, I turn to Abigail, suddenly nervous.

“Abigail,” I say, taking a timid step her way. “Can I speak with you for a minute, please?”

She’s collecting her stuff, but looks up when I speak. Pride shines back at me on her face. “Of course, dear. I’ll always make time for you.”

My hands fidget as I try to work up the courage to ask the one thing I’ve fought against my entire life. Finally, I just blurt it out.

“I need your help.”