Page 43 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Lily

I t’s the day of the church dinner, and a brooding cloud has hung over my head all day. There’s no particular reason for it. It’s just there, dimming my day when I need to be at my best.

Not only will the Birdies be there today, but several school board members will be, too. And maybe that’s why everything feels so heavy—because everything rests in the balance.

Theo will be here any minute to pick me up, something I fought against, but in the end, he won by pointing out that people would expect a couple to ride together to a function.

I’d begrudgingly admitted he was right, and that was the end of the conversation, for me at least. Since then, he hasn’t missed a chance to remind me he was right about something.

But even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

Shoving away the brewing storm lingering over my head, I march to the bathroom, needing to finish getting ready before Theo shows up.

My hair and makeup are already done. I tried something different with both, and as I stare into the bathroom mirror, I have to admit it’s a different person staring back at me.

Instead of straightening my hair like I usually do, I chose to keep the natural curls.

It makes me look wilder. Free. Happy. It makes me look happy .

I also kept my makeup natural, forgoing most of it. It makes my eyes brighter.

I continue staring at myself for one…two….three blinks, then I look away.

My necklace is lying on the bathroom sink, and I reach to pick it up. Taking the clasp in each hand, I wrap it around my neck.

It feels different, too, though. Since the first day I put it on my neck, it’s always been a reminder of who I didn’t want to be, but lately, it’s been a reminder of who I can’t be, the weight becoming heavier and heavier.

The clasp clicks together when my phone starts to ring in the bedroom.

With one more glance at my reflection, I blow out a breath and rush to the my room to answer it.

I expect it to be Theo, telling me he is on his way, so I don’t look at the screen, swiping my finger across it and pressing it to my ear.

“Hello,” I say, focusing on the room in front of me rather than the person on the other side.

There’s a beat of silence in which I wait for them to say something, then…“Lily, baby, is that you?”

I freeze. I haven’t heard my mother’s voice in years, and in an instant, I’m thrown back into the past. Unable to decipher from then and now.

“Baby, are you there?” Her voice cuts like a thousand lashes against my skin, and I flinch with each one.

I can’t do this. Not today. Not with her.

“Lily, I need to talk to you—”

Lash. Lash. Lash.

It burns. Stings more than any actual wound ever could, and yet I can’t move. Can’t bring myself to hang up the phone.

“Lily—”

A sharp rap comes from my front door. Theo calls my name at the same time as my mother, but it’s his voice I focus on. Deep and warm. It’s a stronghold in the storm, and I grab onto it with both hands.

When I hang up the phone, my mom is still calling my name. With shaking hands, I block her number, cutting the last tie.

Theo calls my name again, and I take a slow, meticulous breath before walking to the door.

To a future shaped by no one but me.

______________________

I’m standing in a crowd, and I’ve never felt more alone. People are laughing and talking, genuinely enjoying each other’s company, and I’m standing on a wall, watching everyone else. Theo disappeared not too long ago to grab us drinks; without him, I’ve melted into the shadows.

I should be networking and putting myself out there, but I can’t get my mother’s voice out of my head.

I’m staring at the crowd, seeing but not really taking them in, when a hand falls against my shoulder. Startled, I turn to face the person, only to find Theo staring down at me with his brows pressed together.

“Hey, easy, hopeless,” Theo says in the way he does that makes me feel like my skin is on fire. “Are you okay? You looked a little spaced out there. If you aren’t feeling well, I can take you home.”

The worry in his voice cuts through my weird mood, and I smile up at him. “No. I’m okay. Why don’t we find a seat? I think they’re going to start soon.”

Theo’s eyes track mine, the crease between his brows deepening. I’m terrified he’ll push the issue, make me talk about it, and I will—if he pushes because something about Theo makes him easy to talk to. He makes me want to lower my walls and let him in.

And I’ve never felt that way about anyone. He makes me feel braver.

His assessing continues, but he must see something that lessens his worry. His brows smooth out, and he takes my hand. “We’re in this together, hopeless. ”

He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, tugging me over to an empty table and pulling out my chair, but I’m not mad he didn’t give me a chance to talk.

I don’t know what I would have said anyway.

This feeling inside my chest has been building for a while.

Something I can’t identify. It’s uncomfortable, not in a bad way, but in the butterflies in my stomach, nervous kind of way.

Once we are seated, a couple of the kids who are serving come over to our table to take our order. There are only two meal options, so we quickly give them our orders, and they disappear to put them in.

I let my eyes roam the room again, taking it all in, until I see Tanner on the other side of the gym with Bella.

“Have you talked to Tanner today?” I ask, looking back at Theo.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m starting to wonder if this is what’s best for him.” He stops, looking over to where Tanner stands, a storm brewing on his face. “If I’m what’s best for him.”

“What?” I cry. “Theo, of course you are. You’re his dad.”

“Yeah?” he asks. “How’s your mom doing?”

The question is like a physical blow, and I gasp, flinching away from him. “That’s not fair. The situations aren’t the same.”

Theo shrugs. “Maybe. Or maybe they are exactly the same. Maybe Tanner has every right to hate me as much as you do your mom.”

“I don’t hate her,” I argue.

But do I?

I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of hard feelings for her over the years, but hate?

“Then what is it, Lily?” Theo asks, his voice hard. “Because from where I’m standing, your and Tanner’s situations are a lot alike, and you seem pretty justified in how you feel about your mom.”

My mind is trying to catch up. I don’t understand where all this is coming from. But before I can say anything, Theo shakes his head, a deprecating defeat. “Maybe some things are just too big to be forgiven.”

I want to argue with him, but isn’t that what I’ve been saying all along?

The scrape of the chair causes Theo to sit straighter, clearing his stormy features.

He looks the picture of perfection on the outside, with dark denim jeans, a charcoal shirt that curves around his body, and an easy-going smile, but his eyes always give him away.

That storm is still there, in the dark color of his irises, and I wonder which of us will get struck by the lightning.

Hayes slaps Theo on the shoulder. “That’s not true, Theo. I forgave you already for hitting on my girl last year.”

Thunder rolls over Theo’s features, tension radiating off of him. “First of all, I didn’t hit on your girl.” Hayes lifts a brow. “Fine. I did, but not like that. You were easy to rile. Second, I don’t forgive you for punching me in the face last year, so I guess my point is proven.”

“Coach, you punched my dad in the face?”

The storm grows darker as shades of red color Hayes’s cheeks. “Maybe.”

Tanner’s attention goes to his dad, but Theo stares stonily ahead. I kick his shin under the table with my heel. He doesn’t even flinch.

“What did you do, Dad? Did you hit him back?” Excitement colors Tanner’s voice, and Theo swallows, a muscle jumping in his jaw and the hurt evident in the brokenness on his face. This is the first time Tanner’s spoken to him, and it’s only because of Hayes.

Eventually, Theo sighs and looks at Tanner, his hurt hidden behind a mask.

I always knew Theo was a good dad, but this moment only proves it further. Despite how much he’s hurting, his kid will never know because Theo always protects him.

“No, kid. I didn’t. ”

“Why?”

Theo slowly exhales as if giving himself time to figure out the answer to that question, too. “Because I’m trying to be a better man.”

He looks at Tanner as if begging him to understand that he wants to be that man for him. That everything he does is for him.

Tanner swallows. “Did you really not forgive him?”

Hayes sits forward in his seat, and Theo opens his mouth, “I—”

“If someone sins, we should rebuke them,” a small voice interrupts. We all turn to find Bella standing just behind Tanner her head cocked and her hands on her hips, “and if they repent, we should forgive them. Did you repent, Coach Miller? That’s probably the better question.”

A harsh chuckle slips out of Hayes’s mouth. “You know, Bella, I’m not sure I did.” He looks at Theo, his face serious except for the spark in his eyes. “Theo, I’m sorry I hit you in the face. Will you forgive me?”

With his son’s eyes on him, he lives up to the man he’s trying to be, even though I think it kills him a little inside to do so. “I forgive you, Miller.”

A grin splits Hayes’s face, and he slaps Theo on the back. “Great. So you’re saying you finally want to admit we are friends.”

Theo’s jaw tightens, the storm returning. “That’s not what I said.”

Hayes laughs, slapping Theo on the back and leaving with Tanner and Bella to make the rounds around the room.

Theo and I spend the rest of the night lost in our thoughts. A new edge has formed around Theo, and I worry he’ll develop the same habits I have, giving up on people—even if it’s just himself.