Page 31 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Lily

M y phone has been vibrating in my back pocket since Theo and I walked up the sidewalk to where Ethel awaited us. Theo took my hand in his the moment we started walking toward her and practically used me as a human shield until we were out of view.

That was almost an hour ago, and the phone keeps ringing. The pounding of my heart is deafening, and I wonder if I’m the only one who can hear it.

I’m supposed to be working on being more personable, and yet I can’t concentrate on that when the woman who made me the way I am keeps calling.

She’s been calling for weeks, and I haven’t answered once.

You’d think she’d take the hint, but that would mean she’d have to think about someone else for once in her life.

This is not the only time I’ve gone no contact with her.

I did it once before, but I eventually gave in—and it led to my ruin.

I won’t be so naive as to do it again this time because I realized I was a crutch, and my mother would never learn to walk if I continued to let her use me.

And truth be told, I was crumbling under her weight.

If we had continued down that path, we both would have crumbled.

There was only one safety vest, and I’d taken it for me.

But each time my phone rang the last couple of weeks, I felt my control start to crumble, leaving cracks.

The phone call ends, and I sigh a breath of relief. But then it picks back up again, and I nearly cry.

“Are you alright, sugar?” Della Rae Richards stands before me, a pristine picture of a Southern woman in a wide-brimmed hat and clean pressed clothes. She’s Campbell’s mother and another member of the Benton Birdies.

I’d been trying to think of something to say to her—something to show her I’m not the ice block she thinks I am—but so far, I’ve come up with nothing.

“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a smile that undoubtedly confirms her suspicions of me. “I was thinking about the checklist Abigail and I made last week for the summer festival. I’ll send that to you this week once it’s finalized.”

Della Rae waved her hand, a sour look pursing her lips. “Today isn’t for work, Lily. We do enough of that during the week. Today’s for family.”

I tense at her choice of words. There’s no way she could have known about my phone ringing in my pocket with my mother’s name splashed across the screen, and yet the reminder of family feels like a well-placed bullet.

My smile turns even more wooden, and I search for something to say. Anything that won’t ruin my chances of joining the Birdies—of building a life that looks nothing like my childhood—but nothing comes to mind.

Suddenly, a hand lands on my waist, bringing with it the smell of sandalwood and smoke. The heat burns through my T-shirt, climbing up my body and making it hard to think. Theo leans down, whispering in my ear, “Relax.”

He’s close enough that the warmth of his breath lingers against my skin, having the opposite effect of what he intended .

“Ms. Della Rae, how are you, ma’am?” Theo asks, coming to stand beside me with his hand still hovering on my waist. The smile on his face is enough to make any woman’s knees weak—including Della Rae, who has been married for thirty years.

“Oh, Theo, honey. Aren’t you so sweet? I’m doing fine. How’s that boy of yours?”

Tight creases form on each side of Theo’s mouth, but they are small enough that Della Rae doesn’t notice. Me, on the other hand, I’ve perfected the look Theo’s wearing now.

I make a mental note to ask him about it later.

“He’s doing good,” Theo says, in a voice that’s still just as warm as it was before Tanner was brought up. “If you’ll excuse me, though, I’d like to show my girlfriend something.”

Della Rae’s eyes go wide. “Oh, sure, honey,” she says, all while staring at me like she’s seeing me in a new light. “You two go right ahead, but you take care of her. You hear? She might not admit it, but Lily is a fragile thing.”

This moment is the third most embarrassing moment of my life.

“Fragile like a bomb,” Theo mutters, and I subtly dig my elbow into his side. Although, I don’t know why I bothered. The man is built like a wall. Louder, Theo says, “I’ll take care of her, Ms. Della Rae. I promise.”

He leads me away with a hand on my back, and I let him, ready to be away from the disaster of that conversation.

“Before you get any ideas in your head, I do not need you to take care of me,” I say through a gritted smile.

Theo gives me a flat look. “In case you haven’t noticed, your phone is ringing,” he says, completely ignoring what I said. “I felt it vibrating the entire time we were standing there.”

Stepping away from him to swipe a drink from a cooler, I roll my eyes. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. ”

His brows dip. “Are you planning on answering it?”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” I know I sound callous, but this is not a conversation I want to have. Not here. Or ever . So I change the subject. “What was it you wanted to show me?”

A wicked grin takes over Theo’s face. “You look like you needed an out. I was taking care of you.”

Exasperation wins out, and I shove his shoulder.

“You’re insufferable,” I say, stomping over to MJ and Hayes, who are sitting around a fire pit.

Several chairs are pulled up around the fire, but they are all taken, leaving only a wooden swing.

I sit down, taking up as much room as possible, but Theo isn’t deterred.

He picks me up bridal style, sitting back down with me in his lap.

“I can sit in my own seat,” I hiss, low enough no one else can hear me, but he just grins.

“What would be the fun in that?”

I start to get up and move, but the weight of his hand settles on my upper thigh, holding me in place.

His chin falls onto my shoulder, and he turns his head so his nose skates across the sensitive part of my neck.

My eyes fall closed, and his lips press a soft kiss where my shoulder and neck meet. “They’re watching.”

My eyes pop open, going straight to where MJ sits with Hayes. They are both staring back at us with their mouths slightly ajar. Blowing out a slow breath, I force a smile on my lips as Theo’s thumb draws slow circles on my leg.

A mask. That’s all this is. I’m good at wearing masks.

My smile shakes them out of their shock because they both close their mouths and sit up a little straighter.

“So, Lily,” Hayes says, addressing me but watching Theo suspiciously. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good.”

The lie comes so easily, even though my phone continues to vibrate in my back pocket, proving me wrong.

Hayes doesn’t need to know that, though.

There was a time I thought about telling Hayes the truth—or at least a version of the truth—but those days have passed.

In fact, I’ve tried to avoid Hayes, not because he did anything wrong, but because I did.

I had been so willing to use him as a safety net so that I never fell in love that I didn’t think about what that meant for him.

I was selfish, and I’m not sure what that says about me.

The phone stops ringing, picking up again with only a single text notification. I know better than to look at it. I really do, yet I find myself pulling my phone out of my back pocket anyway. My heart thunders in my ears as I move on auto-pilot, unlocking my screen and clicking on my text messages.

My breathing is harsh in my ears as I try to prepare myself, but nothing ever prepares me for my mother.

Mom: I need you, baby. Please don’t ignore me.

The whole world goes black with my mother’s request.

She NEEDS me.

SHE needs me.

She needs ME.

How many times did I need her, and she never showed up? More times than I can count.

Someone clears their throat. I think it’s Hayes, but I can’t be sure. I’m too busy trying to breathe. Theo tenses beneath me before taking over the conversation.

“So,” he says to Hayes, his deep voice rumbling into my back, “how’s the wedding planning going?”

At the mention of the wedding, Hayes turns his head to MJ, adoration sparking in the color of his eyes, and I think I might hyperventilate.

With one word about the woman in his arms, Hayes turns into mush.

He is still looking at MJ when he answers Theo.

“I’ve been waiting my whole life to marry her. ”

I think I snort, but I can’t be sure. The lack of oxygen is messing with my brain because MJ smiles back at him, but it’s not her I see. It’s another woman who loved a man more than herself. More than me.

Pain grips my chest.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three…

I drag air into my lungs and grab my necklace, but it does nothing to loosen the fist gripping my chest.

Without warning, I stand, forcing myself to keep the mask on for a little longer. We’re outside, but it feels like I’m suffocating. I need air—the kind that isn’t tainted by love.

Hayes and MJ turn to me, looks of concern on their faces.

“If you’ll excuse me,” I say, barely able to keep my voice from shaking. “I need to use the restroom.”

I take off toward Hayes’s house and don’t stop—not even when Theo calls my name.

______________________

I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just blindly running through people to get to a place where I can think. Maybe even breathe. Although, that’s looking highly unlikely at the moment.

I burst into Hayes’s house, intent on finding a bathroom so I can lock myself in it until the rest of eternity, when a hand catches my arm. I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. The heat that rushes across my skin is indication enough.

“Hopeless, talk to me,” Theo pleads, but I can’t talk. I can’t do anything but think—and I don’t want to think.

So I do the one thing that will turn it off. Theo still holds onto my arm when I spin around, my hands coming up and bracing myself against his chest.

Worry shines back at me in his eyes—and I can see he’s about to ask questions—but I don’t let him. Right there in Hayes’s kitchen, I lift onto my toes and press my lips to Theo’s.

It’s reckless. Stupid. Very, very stupid. And yet the moment my lips meet his, everything else dims.

He doesn’t kiss me back at first, and I start to count.

One Mississippi. Two—

I don’t make it to three before he’s deepening the kiss, dropping my arm and pulling me closer to him. The whole world could burn around us, and I wouldn’t know because I am already burning up in Theo’s arms.

His fingers tangle in my hair, and I let myself get lost in him. In the kiss. In anything that makes me forget.

And then it hits me. I’m doing what my mother has always done, finding a high so I don’t have to think.

I push away from Theo with a gasp, my hand coming up to cover my mouth because even though we are no longer kissing, I can still feel his lips on mine.

We aren’t even touching, and I can feel him everywhere.

With one kiss, he buried himself beneath my skin, and I’m not sure if I have a chance of getting him out.

Theo’s eyes are hooded as he watches me, his chest heaving up and down with each breath.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say, more to convince myself than him, but it is enough to draw him out of his stupor.

His body goes rigid, running his hand harshly across his jaw. “What was that text about, Lily?”

He doesn’t mention the kiss. I don’t know if he’s giving me a way out or if kissing me was that bad—but the use of my real name makes me feel like I’m in trouble.

I shouldn’t have kissed him.

I’m so stuck on the mistake of that kiss that his question doesn’t sink in at first, but when it does, it’s like being hit with a boulder. I should have known he’d seen the text message. I’d aired all my dirty laundry for him to see, then kissed him so I didn’t have to think about it.

Turning around, I brace myself on Hayes’s bar, my fingers digging into the marble.

“How did you do it?” I ask. I’m ignoring his question, but I have to know.

“Do what?” Theo sounds tired, and I wonder if it’s because he’s already over making a deal with me. I wouldn’t blame him.

“Beat your addiction? Decide your kid was enough?”

First one teardrop and then another, and I watch numbly as each one hits the counter, landing between my hands.

I should feel something. Anything. But I don’t. I’m just numb.

Theo’s boots thud against the hardwood, drawing closer, but I don’t turn around. Two hands appear on either side of mine, blocking me in. His chest is warm against my back, and I feel his words more than I hear them.

“Because he was worth getting better for, and so are you.”

“I didn’t say—” I start, but he doesn’t let me finish.

“You didn’t have to. An addict recognizes the desperation of another addict. I saw the text, hopeless. And I need you to know you are worth getting better for, whether she ever makes that decision or not. You are worth it.”

But I’m not sure I am because what kind of daughter can’t forgive her mom? After all, I abandoned her, too.

The tears continue to fall, shattering like rain with each drop. One day, I fully expect I’ll do the same, but as strong arms move from the counter to wrap around me, holding me in a way no one ever has, I know it won’t be today.