Page 45 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Lily

I t’s been a long time since I’ve given someone enough pieces of me to break, and yet, without even realizing it, that’s what I did with Theo. I let him in, and he crushed me beneath his words.

I left the ball field and went straight to my car to call my contact at social services.

Theo thought he was doing the right thing, but Morgan and Mia deserve more than just surviving.

They deserve to be taken care of. Loved.

They deserve love. Just like I did at that age.

I deserved more, and I’m only just realizing that I should have demanded it.

I shouldn’t have settled for the scraps someone was willing to hand me, and I won’t ever again.

So why have I been lying in bed for the past three days?

I keep telling myself it’s because I’m coming down with something. I believed that—the first three days. Now, it’s going on day four, and it’s getting hard to deny that it’s something more.

I’m rotting in bed when a knock comes from my front door. I don’t even bother trying to put myself together when I drag my butt out of bed, down the hallway, and to where the knock is resounding again, and then I freeze.

My heart stops beating for one second—then two—and then it kicks into overdrive.

Theo stands on the other side, his hands shoved in his pockets. He looks devastating in a dark T-shirt and jeans. He’s so handsome that it almost hurts to look at him.

He spies me through the glass, a sheepish smile slipping onto his lips, and suddenly, I’m all too aware of how I must look.

Unwashed hair piled into a bun on the top of my head.

Wrinkled sweats and a T-shirt. It’s too late to change now, though.

He’s already seen me, so I keep walking, holding tight to my mask of indifference.

I open the door, and he smiles down at me. And I wonder if it would be easier to rip my heart out of my chest so I didn’t have to feel the sharp sting of betrayal when I look at him.

My mom’s ominous warning from years before comes rushing back.

“You’ll understand one day, Lily. You’ll fall in love with a man, and you’ll understand.”

A sharp inhale stings my throat, and I shake my head against the tears blurring my eyes.

That’s not what’s happening here. It can’t be. I’m not in love with Theo Sylvis, but deep down, I know I’m lying to myself again. I’ve become my mother in the way I never wanted to. I fell in love.

Theo clears his throat. “Can I please speak to you?”

His voice is different from how he spoke to me just days before. It’s detached. Cold. It stings.

If he’s looking for an apology, he won’t get one from me.

“I don’t think there’s anything for us to talk about.”

I’m being stubborn. I should just have this conversation and get it over with, but a part of me knows that once we do, that’ll be it.

There will be nothing left to tie us together, and when that happens, there will be no coming back for me.

My mask will become permanent, and the little girl who used to watch her mom put on lipstick will be gone forever.

My hands tremble, and I shove them behind my back. But Theo must see because his face softens, letting through the man who climbed over my walls without me noticing.

“Come on, hopeless. We need to talk.”

Crack.

My walls fall, and I wonder if he can hear it—the sound of my heart shattering. He’s right. We need to talk.

I step aside, letting Theo into my home.

Neither of us says a word as we walk to the kitchen—the place where this all started—and the irony of it all doesn’t escape me. I told Theo not to fall in love with me, and yet I broke my own rule.

“Would you like a drink?” I ask, looking back at him over my shoulder, but Theo shakes his head, sadness darkening his eyes.

“No. Thank you.” He stands by the edge of the bar, his hands still in his pockets as he looks around. His hair is rumpled, like he’s been running his hands through it, and I wonder how long he sat outside, doing just that before he knocked on my door.

Feeling awkward with nothing to do, I pull out a seat at the far end of the bar, away from him, and sit down, smoothing my hands over my messy hair.

“Sorry for my appearance. I wasn’t expecting company.”

For a second, life flares behind the depth of his irises. “You’re always beautiful, Lily.”

His voice is so soft it makes my chest ache, but I believe him. Even with two-day-old hair and crumpled pajamas, the way he looks at me makes me feel beautiful.

“Thank you,” I whisper, ducking my head so he can’t see the heat in my cheeks.

A heartbeat passes, and I let myself believe we can be friends after this. Then, the next heartbeat crashes in my ears, and I know it will never happen that way. It would hurt too much.

“I’m sorry, Lily.”

I close my eyes against the rasp of his voice, the way it cracks over my name, and when I open them again, I’ve reinforced my walls, building them out of steel this time instead of wood. “You thought you were doing what was best.”

Theo’s brows dip together, a frown marring his handsome face. “You misunderstand me. I’m not sorry for that.”

It’s my turn for my brows to dip. “Then what are you sorry about?”

He sighs, taking his hands out of his pockets and gripping the edge of the counter. His knuckles turn white, and I focus on them. It’s easier than focusing on his face. “Well, for starters, I’m sorry for calling you cold.”

I shrug. “It’s fine. It’s not like you were lying. I am cold. Everyone believes that.”

Theo releases the counter, and in two steps, he’s standing in front of me.

I keep my eyes down, staring at where his denim-clad thighs brush against my knees.

I don’t want to look up because it’s going to hurt—all of this hurts.

Theo doesn’t give me a choice. He tucks his finger beneath my chin and lifts it until I’m looking in his eyes.

“You aren’t cold, Lily, and don’t let me or anyone else in this town make you believe that. You are perfect exactly how you are.”

“I called social services,” I admit. Theo sighs, stepping back and letting his hand drop so we are no longer touching.

“I know.”

“You do?”

He nods but doesn’t look at me. “Yeah. They took Mia this morning. Morgan refuses to speak to me.”

Remorse sits heavy in my gut. “I didn’t make that call to be malicious. I wanted to give them their best chance.”

Theo’s hand rubs against his jawline, weariness visible in every part of him. “I know,” he says sadly, “but I don’t think their best chance included not being able to see each other.”

I blink. “What is that supposed to mean? ”

“It doesn’t matter,” Theo says, shaking his head. He drags in a deep breath before he continues, “Look, I came here to apologize, but you’ve only heard part of my apology. I—I lied to you.”

I curl my shoulders in around the pain. “About what?”

My voice doesn’t sound like mine. It sounds like a girl who was fool enough to hand over the pieces of her heart.

“When we made our deal, I promised not to fall in love with you, but I lied. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you’d be impossible not to fall in love with.

It’s why I call you hopeless because I knew it would be hopeless to fight against my addiction to you.

I love you, and the only thing I’m sorry for is breaking my promise. ”

My whole world stops, and then it breaks because Theo’s love for me is a heartbreak I never saw coming.

“You can’t,” I deny, shaking my head so hard parts of my bun fall into my face. Panic squeezes at my chest, and tears slip from my eyes. “You can’t love me.”

Theo’s chuckle is devoid of emotion. There’s no light in his eyes like there should be when you love someone, not like when Hayes looks at MJ.

“But I do, Lily, and that’s not something I can change because you don’t want me to.

I just—I’m sorry I broke my promise, but loving you is like breathing. I couldn’t stop it if I tried.”

With every word he says, I sink deeper and deeper into a devastation that will last for the rest of my life. Theo watches me, waiting for me to return his love. And I do, but it’s because I do that I have to send him away. I couldn’t handle it if our love became the penance we paid.

“I—I think that we should end this.”

A muscle jumps in Theo’s jaw, and I wait for him to argue. I need him to argue, to see past my mask, but with one resolute nod, he seals both our fates.

Leaning forward, he places a soft, sweet kiss against my lips, and I close my eyes, soaking it in. As far as kisses go, it’s chaste, no exploding chemistry or electric currents running over my skin. It’s goodbye, and I’m the one forcing him to leave.

______________________

I stay in bed for two more days, and if I thought the pain was bad before, it is nothing compared to what it is after Theo left.

Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My soul.

My mom calls several times during those days, and for the first time since I left, I think about answering because I know what it’s like to feel her pain. In the end, though, I let the phone ring.

The only difference between before Theo’s visit and after is that I finally acknowledge the pain. My entire life, I’ve kept it locked behind a door, afraid that if I let it out, it would consume me, but even steel-enforced walls are not enough to keep this pain at bay.

It bleeds out of me, leaking onto my skin like the color of red lipstick, and on the third day, I use the color to write my pain into words.

I write it all down, every heartbreak and disappointment, starting with the day of my sixth birthday.

Writing down all the things I should have said to my mom growing up and looking back on all the choices I didn’t make is cathartic in a way, but in the end, they are just words on paper. They don’t change my choices or the places they have led me.

The ink is still drying when another knock comes at my door. It’s dark outside now, so I can’t see who stands on the other side, but I can make out the shadowy figure of a man. My heart leaps, thinking Theo has come back, but then the figure turns, and I realize it’s that of a boy, not yet a man.

Opening the door, I find Tanner standing on the porch, his shoulders slung forward and his head hanging down.

My chest aches as I mark every similarity he has to his dad.

The shade of his hair. A dimple at the corner of his mouth.

The way a sense of tragedy seems to cling to his shoulders.

Each similarity steals my breath as I think about what Theo said.

“Loving you is like breathing.”

Tanner’s hand goes to the back of his neck, squeezing. “I hope you don’t mind I came here.”

Reality floods in, and I realize I’ve been staring at Tanner without a word since I opened the door.

“No. No, “ I say, stepping aside. “Sorry. Come in.”

Tanner walks past me, and I shut the door. We don’t walk much further into the house, staying in the foyer while we each look around uncomfortably.

I’m the one to break the silence. “Is everything okay, Tanner? Is there something I can help you with?”

His cheeks redden, and he drops his hand from his neck, cracking each of his knuckles. I just—did you and my dad break up?”

The question is so unexpected that it nearly knocks me to my knees.

Break up. Can it be called that when we weren’t dating in the first place?

“Uh—something like that. We—um—we just decided we weren’t right for each other.” A beat of silence passes, and I add, “Your dad is a great guy. We just aren’t compatible. It was me…not him.” I finish lamely.

I’m rambling, but I don’t want Tanner to think this “break-up” means Theo won’t stay.

This whole thing started so Theo could prove he was reliable.

Steady. He wanted to prove to the judge—and though he never said it aloud, Tanner, too—that he could stay, and I don’t want his chances of proving that to be hindered because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel.

“Was it me?” Tanner asks, and it’s a different kind of heartbreak I experience this time. “Did I—uh—did I ruin it somehow? I know I wasn’t the friendliest that night you came over, and I’m sorry. I just—please don’t leave my dad.”

Tanner is rocking back and forth between the balls of his feet, avoiding looking at me, and for the second time in a matter of days, I realize I’m in love.

Stepping forward, I place my hand on Tanner’s cheek. It’s wet from the tears that have slipped from his eyes. I stroke my thumb against the skin, wiping them away.

“Tanner,” I say gently. “Look at me.”

He shakes his head, and I wipe away another tear.

“Come on, Tanner, look at me.”

He slowly lifts his gaze, and the devastation resting there destroys me.

“It wasn’t you,” I say, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“He’s going to leave.” Every fear rests in those four words. He’s terrified of Theo leaving again.

“Who told you that?” I don’t need to ask. I already know, but I ask anyway.

“My mom,” he whispers, and I hate her for him. No matter what she does, he’ll always love Josephine because she’s his mom. That’s a sentiment I understand too well, but I can hate her for him.

“He’s never going to leave you again, Tanner. With me in the picture or not. He’s staying for you.”

“How do you know?” His voice cracks, and he leans his face into the warmth of my hand, seeking comfort.

“Because he’s different.”

Tanner’s brows sink down. “Different than what?”

It’s not something I can explain to him, so I decide to show him instead.

“Stay right here. I have something for you,” I say, dropping my hand and running to my room, and when I come back, I’m carrying the journals I’ve written the last couple of days. I thought they were for me, but I was wrong. They’re for him.

Standing in front of Tanner again, I hold out my hand, offering him the pieces of me that never healed.

“Read these, and then talk to your dad.”

He hesitates for a second before taking the papers, and I hope that when he’s done reading them, he understands that forgiveness doesn’t make you weak. It puts the power in your hands. It’s through Tanner’s story that I finally see that.