Page 39 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Lily

“ W here are we going?”

I’m riding in Theo’s truck. He’s leaning against his door, his arm on the window sill, completely unbothered by me sitting in his passenger seat. A satisfied grin rests on his lips, and his other arm hangs over the steering wheel. He’s so handsome. He nearly breaks my heart just looking at him.

It’s annoying.

“To my house.”

“No.”

His eyes dart to me, pinning me with a look that says I agreed to this.

I sit back in my seat with a humph, crossing my arms over my chest and turning my head to the window to stick my tongue out at his reflection.

Theo chuckles. “I saw that.”

Turning back to him, I narrow my eyes. “I meant for you to.”

His grin grows wider, and I turn back to the window to hide that mine does, too.

We sit in comfortable silence for a minute before Theo speaks again. “I need your help.”

Surprised, I turn toward him in my seat. “With what? ”

“Tanner.” He admits reluctantly. His fingers drum against the steering wheel, and he doesn’t look at me.

A hint of pink tints his cheeks. “He is—we aren’t—I just don’t know how to talk to him.

He hates me, and I don’t blame him. But I—I don’t want to give up.

I just—figured it might help if we have a dinner where someone else is around. Maybe he will talk to me.”

Understanding washes over me. Theo didn’t ask me out just to have dinner with me. This is part of our game, and while I have no qualms about helping him bridge the gap between him and Tanner, disappointment still pokes at my chest, which is silly because this is fake.

Theo’s house is not far from mine, which I guess can be said for everything in Benton Falls.

We arrive at his house in no time, and he pulls into the drive.

He doesn’t shut the truck off, though. His arm moves off the door, both hands gripping the bottom of the steering wheel, and he avoids my gaze.

“Will you help me?” he pleads, and I reach out, placing my hand against his arm.

“All you had to do was ask.”

He looks up at me now, his eyes begging me to understand. “I don’t know how.”

I shrug, giving him a truth for a truth. “Me either.”

After a moment, he sucks in a deep breath, and I wait for him to open my door. Walking into Theo’s house with him, side by side, feels natural—strangely and uncomfortably natural.

When we walk in, Tanner is sitting on the couch next to Bella in the living room. Bella’s legs are thrown over Tanner’s, and a movie plays in the background. They both glance our way.

Tanner looks at Theo, and tension thrums in the air. Tanner’s jaw ticks. Once. Twice. And then he turns back to the television, cutting Theo out .

My brows shoot up, and Theo awkwardly clears his throat.

“I’m going to—uh—get started on the food.

“I’ll help,” I offer, but he shakes his head.

“This is my treat, hopeless. Make yourself at home.”

There’s a dejected set to his shoulders as he walks away. I watch him go, my chest aching for him.

“Ms. Carson, how has your summer been?” Bella asks, pausing the movie.

I turn my attention to her just in time to see Tanner give a sharp shake of his head.

I’m not an idiot. I know having his principal in his house is probably the last thing a kid wants on their summer break, but it still stings a little when Tanner brushes me off, especially because of my relationship with his dad.

Sure, we’re faking it, but if we weren’t, would he accept it?

And why does the possibility of him not sting so much when this isn’t even real?

“It’s been nice, Bella. How about you?”

“It’s been great since we’ve been out of school—” she stops, red heating up her cheeks. “I mean—”

My laugh comes out easily. “It’s okay, Bella. I’m not offended. What kid doesn’t love summer break?”

Her shoulders relax, and she smiles at me again. “Exactly.”

A phone vibrates on the side table, and that smile slips a little. “I better go check my sugars.” She looks at Tanner. “I’ll be right back.”

“Do you need help?” He moves to stand with her, but she waves him off.

“It’s fine. I’ll be right back.”

Bella disappears down the hallway, leaving just Tanner and me. I move to sit on the couch opposite of him, my heart hammering a mile a minute against my ribs. I’ve been around Tanner before—a lot actually—so what about this time makes me so nervous ?

“How about you, Tanner?” I ask. “How has your summer been so far? Are you glad to be playing a sport again?”

He shoots me a look that says he’d rather be anywhere but here, but he’s too polite to ignore the question altogether. “It’s been fine, I guess.”

“Just fine?”

Tanner lifts one shoulder, letting it drop before his eyes dart down the hallway, looking for Bella. “Keeps me in shape for football.”

My brows smash down. “I thought the doctors advised you not to play anymore?”

He shrugs again. “Mom says I’ll be living with her again by that time, and it will be fine.”

A mixture of panic and rage accumulates inside my stomach. “What does your dad have to say about that?”

“I doubt he’ll care.” He keeps his eyes down the hallway, but his voice is broken enough to tell me he really believes that.

“Tanner, that’s not true—”

He finally looks at me, and there’s so much hatred and rage in his eyes that it stops me.

“Look, Ms. Carson, I like you, and I think it’s great you are dating my dad.

Or whatever it is you’re doing, but you don’t know what it’s like to have a dad that wasn’t around.

To have him choose alcohol over you. And now, because he’s in my life and he’s trying, I’m supposed to forget all that and move on.

I know he’s trying. I get that, but sometimes, trying isn’t enough. You know?”

I do know. That is the thing. I know all too well what he is saying, and even though there are a lot of differences between Theo and my mother, who am I to point them out to him when I let my childhood trauma shape me?

So I snap my mouth shut and give him the benefit of knowing his own feelings.

_____________________ _

Dinner is awkward. Bella and I do most of the talking while the two men stare morosely at their food.

I try to bridge the gap several times, asking questions that would force them both to talk, but they answer me in grunts and nods—both more alike than they think.

After dinner, Tanner leaves to take Bella home, and I stand up, gathering everyone’s plates.

Theo stops me, his fingers gently wrapping around my wrist while he takes the plates from me with the other hand.

“I’ve got it,” he says, his voice pitched into a deep whisper. He starts walking to the kitchen, and I follow him, refusing to let him clean up alone.

He drops the plates in the sink, grabs a towel, and flips it over his shoulder.

It’s such a domestic move that it gives me pause.

Seeing him like this does something to my chest that I’m terrified to identify, so instead, I do what I do best and avoid it.

I reach for the towel to take it off his shoulder, but he catches my arm, holding onto my wrist. His thumb gently strokes the inside, and when I gasp, he pulls it to his mouth, pressing a heated kiss against my beating pulse before dropping it and grabbing my waist. He lifts me up, sitting me on the counter beside the sink.

“I’m not just going to sit here while you do the dishes,” I argue.

“I don’t need you to do the dishes, hopeless,” he says, flipping on the water and filling the sink. “Just keep me company.”

Giving in, I take my time looking around the kitchen as Theo picks up a plate and starts washing it.

The kitchen isn’t what I would have expected from a man living alone.

The white cabinets are beautiful against the butcher block countertops, but it’s the little things that make it a home that surprise me the most. Like the chicken egg timer on the stove.

A coffee mug sitting beside the sink that’s clearly a favorite.

And a picture of a much younger Tanner taped to the window above the sink. That’s the one that snags my attention.

Theo notices me staring at it and dries his hand, gently prying it from the window. He stares at it briefly, softly taking it in, before handing it to me.

In the picture, Tanner is staring at the person behind the camera, a toothy baby grin on his face. Even at a young age, he looks a lot like Theo.

“He was one in that picture. It was just before Josephine left. The last time my life felt normal. I used to rush home after work every day just to see that smile, and after he was gone—when I couldn’t see him—I’d sit at home staring at that picture until my eyes burned.”

My fingers trace over Tanner’s baby face. “Did you ever tell Tanner about what really happened back then?”

Theo shakes his head, picking up another plate and scrubbing it a little harder than necessary.

“Why not?”

The muscle in his jaw twitches. “Because even after everything, Josephine is still his mom.”

It’s that simple for him. Josephine is Tanner’s mom, and because of that, he will never do anything that would put her in a bad light even though she never gave him the same courtesy. And that one admission says more about him than anything else.

“You’re a good man, Theo Sylvis.”

His hands still, and his head slowly rises to look up at me.

“I’m not, but I’m trying to be.”

We hold each other’s gaze, saying more with our silence than we could ever say aloud.

A clock ticks somewhere in the background, and eventually, Theo sighs, breaking our gaze and turning around so his back rests against the sink.

He kicks his feet out in front of him, crossing them at the ankle and tucking his arms over his chest.

“I just want to do right by Tanner—be a better man than I was the day before—but some people don’t like when you get better. Do better. And Josephine is one of those people. I think she’s terrified I’ll outdo her even though parenting has never been a competition in my mind.”

He blows out a breath, exhaustion weighing heavy against his shoulders.

“I know Josephine is Tanner’s mom, and you’re trying to protect that relationship for Tanner—but have you ever thought that Tanner doesn’t need protection? Maybe he just wants you to talk to him—to be honest with your struggles—because otherwise, he will never understand you.”

Theo cocks a brow. “When did you get so smart?”

It’s the type of question meant to lighten the mood, and I should let it, but instead, I say, “I guess you learn a thing or two when you become the parent at six years old.”

To his credit, Theo’s reaction is only a slow blink of his lashes. He doesn’t act surprised or grill me with questions. He just leaves space for me to speak if and when I finally want to, and I find myself wanting to. I’ve never wanted to share my story with anyone, but with Theo, I do.

“My mom—isn’t like you. She never wanted to get better, but growing up, I would have done anything to understand her.

” I look down, staring at where my legs dangle off the counter.

I’ve never admitted that to anyone. My walls are down, and that’s terrifying.

“I guess all I’m trying to say is that maybe your kid wants you to let him in. ”

I end my confession lamely with a shrug and a roll of my neck, but a hand falls against my leg, and I look up to see Theo studying me. He tilts his head and swallows, the muscle in his throat moving up and down.

“Thank you for letting me in,” he whispers, his voice scraping along my skin, leaving goosebumps in its path. My gaze falls to his mouth, and the memory of what it felt like on mine is overwhelming enough that I clear my throat and sit up straight.

“Anyway,” I say, desperate to escape to put that kiss out of my mind. “Plenty of people see how hard you’re trying, Theo.”

It’s a poor attempt to get this conversation back on track—to get my mind off that kiss.

My hand falls to his arm—two magnets being pulled together.

Even though I know I shouldn’t, the need to touch him, even in the simplest of ways, overrides my common sense.

His hand covers mine, his fingers playing with my knuckles.

It’s the closest thing to connection I’ve ever felt.

“Maybe,” he says, watching his thumb run from my knuckle to the tip of my finger.

“But is it the right people? The people who will determine my fate at the end of the summer? Because if it’s not, then I could lose Tanner all over again.

I’ve been trying so hard to prove myself settled—worthy—but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I need something more. Something to show I’ll stay. ”

A slow smile spreads over my face. “I have an idea.”