Page 15 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

“And what about the alcohol addiction? Was that also in accordance with the custody agreement?” I’m a bug beneath his boot, and he’s effectively crushed me.

“No, sir,” I say, defeated. There’s a sharp inhale from behind me, and it takes everything I have not to turn around and look at Lily.

I should’ve told her before we came. She deserved to know who she was defending.

She deserved to know our story—mine and Tanner’s—but it’s hard to tell your story when you avoid each other.

While there’s no hard proof of my addiction besides my meetings in AA, there’s also no point in denying it because doing so only hurts the progress I’ve made.

One thing they teach you in recovery is to never deny where you came from—doing so will only lead you back there.

And that’s a place I never want to go back to.

The choices that will be made today are out of my hands, but I can control the type of man I am.

When I moved here, I wanted to be the type of man Tanner can look up to—a man who owns up to his mistakes—and by not telling Lily, I’ve already failed at that.

“I see,” Judge Ranker says, and I hope he does. I hope he sees how hard I’m trying to be different—better—for the sake of my son.

He finally takes his attention off of me and turns it toward Josephine, and to his credit, he stares at her with the same contempt he did me.

“And what about you, Mrs. Westbrook, care to explain why my colleague found it prudent to grant emergency custody to your ex-husband?”

Josephine sputters at first, astonished someone would dare speak to her that way, but she recovers quickly. Straightening her shoulders, she flips her blonde hair and adorns a fake smile.

“Your Honor, at the time, my husband and I were doing what we felt was best for our son.” She stops, placing her hand on Eric’s arm as if to drive home the fact that she sees him as more of a father than me.

White, hot rage flashes behind my eyes. He might’ve been the man in Tanner’s life, but he was never a father to him.

A dad doesn’t do what he did last year—pushing him until he was stripped of his confidence and almost lost his life.

And what makes me angry about all of this is that he got to be in my son’s life.

I wanted to be there from the very beginning.

I wanted my son, but because someone else had more money than me, I was stripped of those rights.

His life—our life—could have been very different.

“And how did that work out for you, Mrs. Westbrook? From my understanding, Tanner ended up in the hospital because you did not listen to the advice of Dr. Harrison.”

Josephine’s skin flushes. “I admit, Your Honor, we made a mistake, but we recognize that now. We just want our son to come home.”

The judge turns his attention to Tanner.

“And what about you, young man? I understand you are seventeen, and in most cases, at this age, it would be your decision. Considering the circumstances regarding the emergency custody, I cannot allow that. However, it is your life, so I would like to know your opinion.”

Tanner’s eyes widen, looking around as if searching for an escape. “ I—I—”

He’s scared of voicing his opinion, and whether that’s because of his mom or me—I’m not so sure. He looks at me, and I smile, hoping to ease some of his fear. Our fight from earlier still hangs in the air, and I wish we had had time to talk it out before we got started here.

“It’s okay, kid, just answer the judge,” I say.

He swallows but still doesn’t say anything.

“Your honor, can I approach the bench?” It’s not Tanner who says it. It’s my lawyer. He’s looking at my kid like he has stood in his shoes, and that’s enough for me to reluctantly admit Hayes was right about him.

Judge Ranker looks like he might deny him, but after a second, he nods. “You get one minute, counselor.”

Greg approaches the bench, saying something I can’t make out to the judge. At one point in the conversation, they both glance back at Tanner, who stands watching them. When the conversation ends, Greg returns to where I stand, and Judge Ranker looks at Tanner.

“Young man, I’d like to speak with you in my chambers.”

______________________

The door closes behind Tanner as he disappears with the judge, leaving my chances in the hands of a son who has every right to hate me.

Scrubbing my hand down my face, I try to wipe away the dread, but it doesn’t help.

“Theo,” Lily says my name, and I think about pretending I didn’t hear her so I don’t have to face her disappointment, but in the end, I owe her.

Learning from my mistakes, I prepare myself to look at her this time. Except that doesn’t matter because nothing can ever prepare me for looking at her. It hits me in the chest every time.

Our eyes meet, and even though she is wearing her mask, I can still see it—the disappointment that I’m not who she thought I was.

“Can we do this later, Lily?” I ask because I’m going to need more than the short time we have to explain—or maybe it’s that I want to buy a little more time where I can still pretend she will see me as a good dad.

Lily and I have been fire and ice from the day we met, but I’ve always at least had her respect for protecting Tanner.

Her lips purse, and I worry she will demand answers now. She has every right to, but to my relief, she nods and says, “Fine, but you owe me an explanation, Theo.”

She’s right. I do. I just don’t know how.

Lily’s hand goes to her necklace, zipping the charm back and forth along the chain as she watches me for a few more seconds before shaking her head and returning to her seat.

The judge’s chamber opens back up, and Tanner walks out first, refusing to look my way. I’ve experienced heartbreak one time in my life, and it happened a lot like this. I can already see what’s coming next, and it’s like watching a car crash that I can’t stop.

Everything slows down, and my breath is harsh in my ears. My heart thunders, hitting against my ribs so hard it feels like my chest might crack open.

I failed him. I failed him. I failed him.

Everything in me screams it.

Judge Ranker takes his seat, and I wonder how I’ll be able to keep breathing after this—if it will be worth breathing if I can’t protect my son.

“I have made my decision—” Judge Ranker starts, but I can’t let him say it without trying one more time.

“Your honor, I have a character witness—” I say, but my voice doesn’t sound like mine. It’s the voice of a desperate man, but if I’m honest with myself, I’ve been desperate for a long time.

“There will be no need for that this time. ”

A single tear drips down my cheek, burning a trail down my face and onto my neck. “Please—”

He ignores my plea. “As of now, I’m reinstating custody to Mrs. and Mr. Westbrook. However, the arrangement will no longer be as it was before.”

“Your honor,” I cry, but he shoots me a sharp look, and I close my mouth.

“Before speaking with Tanner, I’d made up my mind to grant full custody to his mother, a woman who has been a consistent presence in his life.

Personally, Mr. Sylvis, I don’t view you as stable.

You’re a recovering alcoholic with no relationships.

However, upon speaking with your son, I am willing to grant joint custody for the summer.

We will reconvene in ninety days, and Mr. Sylvis,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me, “you have until then to convince me you can be a better father than what you have been in the past.”

Flashes of Tanner lying in the hospital bed last fall play behind my eyes.

I might not have been a perfect father, but I didn’t nearly get him killed last year, either.

Josephine and Eric only care about their image and how Tanner can play into that.

They’ll push him and push him and push him until he can’t take any more. I can’t allow that to happen again.

I’ve already played the hand I thought would save him from their grip, and it turns out they knew the cards I was holding the whole time.