Page 13 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Theo

I wait five seconds—long enough for the door to swing shut behind Lily—before I am out of my seat and chasing after her.

Abigail watches me with a gleam in her eye while Eric glares, but I ignore them both, too focused on the woman who walked out of here with her head held high. She didn’t fool me. I saw the hurt warring with stubbornness in her eyes.

In three long strides, I’m at the door, and I only hesitate a second before I’m through it and chasing after her.

Somewhere in the back of my brain, rational Theo is yelling at me to stop, but somehow, when it comes to Lily, rational Theo always seems to get shoved into a box.

I don’t have to chase Lily very far. She’s standing just outside the door with her back leaning against the lockers.

Her shoulders are hunched forward, and her hands rest on her knees.

She’s the picture of defeat, but there’s also an openness about her now that no one is watching.

It’s like getting a glimpse through a crack in a door to the real Lily—the one who isn’t as hard as she would have some people believe.

When she hears my footsteps, though, that door slams closed. Vulnerable Lily is gone, and in her place stands a woman determined to hide what she sees as weakness. It’s a shame, though, because I like vulnerable Lily.

“What do you want, Theo?” She asks, her top lip tilting up into a snarl, and I have to bite back a grin because it turns out I like this version of her too.

And I shouldn’t— I really, really shouldn’t.

“I wanted to check on you,” I say, shoving my hands into my pockets so I don’t look like such a fool. “What happened back there wasn’t right.”

Lily laughs, but it’s not her real laugh. I know because I’ve spent many hours trying to get her real laugh out of my head. I’ve only heard it once. It was after Hayes brought Tanner home when he ran away, but that one time was enough to make a man crave more.

“Which part?” she asks, standing up and swiping her hands down the front of her shirt as if to smooth the nonexistent wrinkles.

“The part where I, the high school principal, had no idea we were hiring you to fill a position that I was supposed to be included in filling or the part where I basically got fired? Which of those shouldn’t have happened, Theo? ”

She’s angry, and I’m her punching bag—but that’s okay. Sometimes, we all need to throw a good punch to feel better.

Holding her gaze the whole time, I shrug and say, “All of it.”

It’s that simple. From experience, Lily is a great principal.

She cares about her students, my son included, and what Eric did back there was a power play because she chose to stand on my side when things went down with Tanner last year.

She’s paying because my ex-wife and her husband’s egos are more important than my kid’s safety and happiness.

Lily doesn’t deserve this—any of it—yet she’s been dragged into it unwillingly because of me.

This is only a small example of why I need to stay away from her, but I can’t because, unfortunately, Tanner needs her… I need her.

My answer must catch her off guard because her eyes narrow, and she watches me suspiciously.

“Great. Now that that’s settled, if you’ll excuse me—” she says, trying to step around me to leave, but I move with her. I can’t let her go, not yet.

“I–uh—I meant to check on you after the fire, but things at the station have been—busy,” I say, offering an excuse we both know is just that—an excuse. “Besides the obvious, how have you been, hopeless?”

I’m desperate to stall, to keep her in my orbit now that she’s here.

Lily crosses her arms across her chest, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m blocking her way or because of the use of the nickname—probably both—but either way, I’m lucky she can’t actually throw fire from her eyes. Otherwise, I’d be burnt to a crisp where I stand from the heat of her stare.

“I’ve been spectacular, Theo. Now move.” The sarcasm in her voice is scathing, and I think she intends for it to hurt. But I see it for what it is. It’s her way of protecting herself—pushing away anyone who might get a peek underneath the frostiness she wants people to see.

“I can’t do that, Lily,” I say, using her real name this time because what I’m about to say is important, and I need her to hear it.

I step forward, reaching out and gently wrapping my fingers around her wrist. Shock runs from my palm up to my elbow with the contact, and without any real consciousness of what I’m doing, my thumb swipes across her skin.

“I know you might not think so, but you’re allowed to be upset. You don’t have to hide that.”

A steel mask slams down over her features, and she jerks her arm out of my hold. I let my hand fall to my side, even though my fingers itch to reach back out, to take one more hit off her proximity, but I manage to keep them still.

“I don’t need your permission to feel things, Theo. Besides, haven’t you heard? I’m the town’s ice queen. I don’t have feelings. ”

My brows snap down. “Who told you that?”

“Does that matter? We both know it’s what the whole town thinks. That meeting in there only reiterated that. They might not have said it in those words, but they didn’t have to.”

“That’s not true, hopeless.”

The dullness in her green eyes is enough to know she doesn’t believe what I’m saying.

“It doesn’t matter. Can I go now, or do you plan on keeping me trapped here forever?

” Ice has slipped into her voice, but it’s forced, like it’s the only way she can keep herself from breaking.

It makes me feel worse about what I’m about to ask, and for a minute, I debate moving out of her way and letting her go—but in the end, I can’t.

“Actually, I needed to speak to you about something.”

Lily’s lips pinch together, and she snorts. “Of course you do. What, Theo? What is it you need?”

Reaching up, I rub at the back of my neck, hating myself for taking advantage of this moment, but if I don’t have this conversation now, I’m not sure when I will.

“Josephine is taking me back to court to get custody of Tanner.” I watch the ice across Lily’s demeanor melt in an instant.

“What? When did you find out? How can she do that? You were granted emergency custody.” There’s life in her voice now, and it does something funny to my chest. I shove that feeling down, though, and shake my head.

“I was, but I knew there was a possibility that it would be temporary. I’d just hoped that, for once in her life, my ex-wife wouldn’t be selfish and do what’s best for our son.

” There’s bitterness in the edges of my voice.

With anyone else, I would have hidden that, but with Lily, I know I don’t have to.

She may not know most things about my situation with Tanner, but she knows my ex-wife.

We both know I’m right when I call the woman selfish .

“I’m sorry, Theo,” Lily says, placing her hand on my arm. Her touch burns in the best possible way. “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

“I was hoping you could be a character witness.” Shame washes over me for even asking. Lily’s had a hard couple of weeks. I hate adding to her plate, but there’s also nothing I won’t do for my kid—including falling to my knees and begging.

I hold my breath as I wait for her answer, ready to fall down if I need to, but she makes it too easy on me.

“Of course, I will,” she says, and that right there is why people are wrong about her. Lily may put on a mask, but there’s something special underneath it.

______________________

“Tanner James, get up. We have to go.” I’m standing in my foyer at the bottom of the steps, adjusting my tie. It’s the third time I’ve yelled that same thing up the stairs, and tension radiates off me in waves.

Teenage footsteps thunder above my head, and I clench my teeth to keep my tension to myself. Since Tanner started living with me, I’ve become an expert in footsteps.

Light and bouncy—he’s in a good mood and might say hello to me.

Hard like his foot might slam through the floor—he’s annoyed, and there will be no pleasant words exchanged. Maybe even no words at all. And since this morning it sounds like there’s a herd of elephants above my head, I’d say it’s safe to say we are both in the same kind of mood.

It’s to be expected. We go to court today, and neither of us knows what to expect.

Tanner is in a place where he feels like he has to choose between his mom and me—and if we are honest, his mom has been the consistent parent in his life, even if she wasn’t a good one.

If I really thought it was best for him, I’d co-parent with Josephine.

No kid should be caught between the adults who brought him into the world, but this is more than just two exes who can’t get along. It’s Tanner’s safety I’d be risking.

The footsteps finally start to descend the stairs, and I look up just in time to see Tanner stomp his way down.

“Good morning, son,” I say, forcing myself to sound normal—like this day doesn’t have high stakes for both of us.

“Yeah?” he grumbles, sitting on the bottom step and pulling on his shoes. “What makes it so good?”

“Well—nothing with that attitude, but I have some news that might make it better.”

He doesn’t bother looking up, clearly unconvinced that what I have to say will impact his day. “I doubt it.”

“Kid,” I say, tapping the side of his leg so he moves over and makes room for me to sit beside him. “I get that today is not ideal, but lose the attitude.”

The problem is that even though Tanner is my kid and in my custody, he’s a year away from being a legal adult.

He’s not fully a kid anymore, but at the same time, he still has a lot to learn about life—and I know from experience that some of those lessons have to be learned the hard way.

I’m constantly struggling with when to let him learn those lessons and when to be his dad.

Tanner sighs, and you’d think I’m asking him to cut off a hand rather than act like a normal human being.

“Fine, Dad. Let’s hear it,” he says with a little more enthusiasm than before, but his annoyance is still there. Nonetheless, right now, it’s good enough.

“I—uhh—I thought about the baseball thing,” I say, and his head snaps up, no longer interested in his shoestrings, but now that I have his attention, I’m suddenly nervous. I want to do right by this kid, but I’ve never managed to get it right in the past.

What if this is another mistake, and it costs him more than our relationship this time?

“And?” Tanner asks, and I force a smile on my lips, clapping him on his shoulder.

“And you can play,” I say reluctantly.

Tanner jumps up and spins to face where I’m still sitting on the step. “Are you serious?”

Long gone is the surly kid who stomped down the steps, and the excitement in his voice makes every gray hair I will gain this season worth it.

“Yeah, kid, I’m serious, but—”

That one word takes the wind out of his sails. His shoulders slump. “Go ahead. Let’s hear it. Tell me all the rules that will take every bit of fun out of this.”

Standing, I adjust my tie and shove my hands in my pockets, feeling like a monkey in a suit even though I’m only wearing dress pants and a button-up. I’m far more comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt, another thing that was always a source of contention for Josephine and me.

“Look, kid, I don’t have any rules. Not really.

” I pause, gaining my bearings. My tie is starting to choke me, and I off-handedly wonder if I will pass out by the end of the day.

“I just want you to promise me you will be smart about this, okay? If you start having problems, don’t lie.

I have to know I can trust you to tell me the truth. ”

“You can trust me, Dad. I swear.”

He answered too quickly—and that scares me—but I nod anyway, pretending it doesn’t. “One other thing—”

Tanner groans. “Dad—”

“No, Tanner, just one more. I know things have been hard between us, but I would like to get to know you. I’m honored to be your coach, but I want to be your dad, too. Will you—uh—will you at least give me a chance to try? That’s all I’m asking.”

One chance. That’s all I’ve ever wanted with Tanner, and there was a time I didn’t think I’d get it, both because of Josephine and because of my own choices. But that chance is within reach now, and I won’t let it slip through my fingers this time.

Tanner’s face is blank as he studies me, and I wonder if I’ve pushed him too far—moved backward instead of forward—but after a second, he gives me a sharp nod. It’s enough to help me breathe normally again.

“Good,” I say as an uncomfortable silence descends upon the room.

I clear my throat while Tanner shuffles his feet, stumbling over his shoestring. He gives an awkward laugh and kneels down to finish tying them. Flipping my wrist, I check my watch and curse when I see the time.

“Come on, kid. We have to go,” I say, grabbing my wallet and keys from the table.

He stands up again but doesn’t move from where he’s standing.

Dad—” his voice is hesitant, and I turn to face him.

“Yeah, kid?” I ask, a little distracted.

“I prayed for this, you know.”

That gets my attention, and I pull my head up to study him.

He’s staring back at me, waiting for my answer, but I’m not sure what to say.

I’ve been around religion all my life. My mother believed in God but in a passive way.

We didn’t go to church, but I believed in him all the same.

It was that belief that helped me get sober, but only in the sense that I hoped there was something out there bigger than myself.

When I got sober, I knew God existed, but I figured I had a lot to make up for before he’d want something to do with me.

“Prayed about what?” I ask, swallowing to keep my voice from shaking.

“About baseball. Coach Miller taught me. We’ve been talking about God, and he makes it seem pretty cool, ya know?”

“Hayes Miller in touch with a higher power. Who knew?” I can’t keep the sarcasm from my voice. Something about the guy brings out the worst in me.

“Why don’t you like him?” The surly teenager is back in his voice in full force as if the last five minutes of peace didn’t happen.

I sigh, pushing my hand into my hair and tugging at the roots. A headache starts forming behind my eyes, and we haven’t even made it to court yet. “I like him just fine, Tanner.”

I’ve never been good at lying, and Tanner sees straight through me.

“Yeah, okay, Dad. Whatever you say.” Rolling his eyes, he walks past me to the front door. “I’m going to drive. I have to work after this.”

He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he’s out the door and slamming it behind him, and I’m left with a hundred and one of my mistakes.