Page 21 of Penance (Rising From the Ashes #2)

Theo

L ily’s arms are holding me together. I was seconds away from falling apart before I came here, and now, she’s holding me together.

I was sitting in my house, the silence louder than anything I’ve ever heard, and I almost broke. I almost got in my truck and drove to the nearest bar. Instead, I found myself here, standing in front of Lily’s and waiting for her to get home.

I don’t know what drove me to come here. I kept thinking about how I owed her an explanation, and before I knew what I was doing, I was pulling up to the curb.

My arms tighten around her, and her head falls against my shoulder. I shouldn’t be here. I should be anywhere but here. There are so many reasons why it’s a bad idea for me to be standing in Lily Carson’s kitchen, holding her in my arms, but right now, I can’t think of a single one.

The woman fries my brain.

“Go out with me.”

Lily’s head flies off my shoulder, jerking back to look at me.

“What did you just say?” She asks, wide-eyed.

My heart hammers against my ribs because what did I just say?

It slipped out before I could stop it—a moment of weakness.

I chose not to have a drink tonight, but I took a hit from a different addiction—and I am far from sober.

But letting Lily know I’d slipped into another addiction would be detrimental to everything I’m trying to achieve with Tanner—even though the addiction is her—so I play it off in the best way I know how.

“Look,” I say, dropping my arms and stepping back. I need space to think. The smell of her citrus shampoo overrides all my senses and makes me stupid. “I think we can help each other.”

“By going on a date?” Lily asks skeptically. I’m walking a very fine line here, and I’m smart enough to know I have to watch my next step. “Hayes gave me the idea.”

He didn’t—not exactly—but it’s easier to blame him if all this goes wrong.

He shouldn’t have put the idea of her with Campbell in my head because it’s all I’ve been able to think about. I’ve already watched her pine after Hayes himself. I might strangle Campbell if I had to see that, too.

I watch her carefully, waiting for a reaction to the rent-a-cop’s name, but her face is a steel mask, giving nothing away, which irritates me because even though it’s none of my business, a part of me needs to know if she still has feelings for Hayes.

“What idea, Theo? You’re being very vague.”

“To date me.”

Lily’s face turns green, and from the looks of it, she’s seconds away from puking.

A real hit to a man’s ego.

“Fake date,” I amend, if only to wipe away that look from her face.

“Are you sure this was Hayes? Did Abigail put you up to this?”

A bitter scoff leaves my mouth, my question answered.

Of course, she wouldn’t want to believe boy wonder had anything to do with this because suggesting she date someone else would mean she has no chance with him.

Not that she did in the first place. Hayes Miller is as in love with his fiance as any person can be, but denial can be a great motivator. And Lily is in denial.

“No, Lily. I haven’t spoken with Abigail since the board meeting.

” My voice is hard, and I wonder if she can see through it to the jealousy pulsing in my veins.

It’s stupid. There’s no good reason I should be this consumed by Lily.

In fact, there are more reasons for me to stay away from her than there are for me to pursue her.

We aren’t even friends, and yet, addiction rarely follows reason.

“Then what is this because I don’t understand?”

How do I explain this and walk away unscathed?

“The way I see it, we both need to work on our reputations.”

“I don’t—” she starts to argue, but I level her with a stare.

“You do. Benton Falls is a small town, and we both know they like to gossip. I was there for the board meeting, and I also heard about your Birdie application.”

“Of course you did,” she grumbles. “And I assume you agree with them? That I’m cold and heartless?”

I shake my head. “No. I think that’s what you want everybody to think.”

She turns her face away from me, hiding so I can’t see her reaction. My eyes follow the slender line of her jaw down to her neck, and the need to step forward and run my nose along that path hits me so hard it nearly knocks me to my knees.

“And you? How does this help you?”

“Because the judge thinks I’ll leave, and I need him to see I have a reason to stay other than just Tanner.”

Her eyes snap to me, the crystal blue of her irises searing into me.

“And you think a date with me will help?” she asks, the sarcasm in her voice loud and clear. “I think you’d be better off finding someone with a better reputation. ”

Her chin tilts up with defiance, but she doesn’t hide the vulnerability in her eyes quite as well as she thinks she does. Or maybe it’s that I see my own vulnerabilities staring back at me when she looks at me that way.

“There’s no one but you, Lily,” I say, keeping my face open so she can see how much I mean that. For almost a year now, there’s been no one but her, and it makes me a danged fool. Clearing my throat, I ask, “So how about it? Want to be my fake girlfriend?”

______________________

Waiting for Lily’s answer is like waiting outside in a thunderstorm and trying not to be hit by lightning. Except her gaze is the lightning, and I’m being zapped with each blink of her long lashes.

“You did say you would help,” I remind her because I need her to say yes—for Tanner.

She studies me for another moment longer before she shakes her head, her blonde hair falling over her eyes.

A hole opens in the pit of my stomach, and I’ve almost forced myself to accept what she isn’t saying when she opens her mouth and asks, “Why me, Theo? Really? Because I’ve already made too many decisions that have hurt Tanner, and I don’t want to do that again. So why me?”

My brows dip as I study her. Her hands are clasped together, wringing out her fingers, and guilt lays across her shoulders like a heavy blanket.

“What do you mean you’ve already made decisions that hurt Tanner?” I ask, not understanding where this is coming from.

Lily’s eyes drop to the floor, and she swallows hard, the line of her throat tensing.

“Last year. I—I should have done something, tried harder to find a way around Josephine and Eric. I should’ve listened to Hayes and MJ, but I didn’t. And he got hurt. I should have tried harder.”

Stepping forward, I close the distance I placed between us and cup her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me.

“That was not your fault, Lily. His mother should’ve protected him, and she didn’t. No one blames you because your hands were tied.”

A single tear slips out the corner of her eye, and she reaches up, brushing it roughly away before she steps back out of my grasp.

“I blame me,” she says resolutely. Her shoulders straighten, and her chin lifts stubbornly. “So, I’ll ask again. Why me?”

Looking her straight in the eyes, I tell her the truth—at least part of it.

“Because you are so much more than what you think you are. Because I need someone who won’t cower because of Josephine’s money—someone who isn’t weak.

And, Lily, you’re one of the strongest people I know. So, please, help me.”

Lily’s lip slips between her teeth, and I force myself not to groan aloud.

Torture. That’s what this is.

An eternity passes before she says, “Okay, but I have one stipulation.”

“Anything,” I agree before the words are fully out of her mouth, and I mean it. I’ll give her anything she asks for.

Her jaw line hardens, and she holds my gaze. “Don’t fall in love with me. I’ll never forgive you if you do.”

Except that.

I’ll give her anything but that because even though I know I shouldn’t be, I’m already addicted to her—and addiction is just one step away from love. I’d have to be dead in order not to fall in love with Lily. Especially because I fear I am already halfway there.