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33

JASON

I tossed my clothes in the wash immediately. The smell was overwhelming, but none of that mattered as I thought of my little girl upstairs, feeling so horrible. I quickly jumped in the downstairs bathroom, scrubbing myself of all odor. I didn’t want to leave Carli for too long. I felt horrible that she’d been sick all night and I’d been here, having the time of my life with Izzy.

I could beat myself up all day over that, but it was done and over with. The only thing I could do now was to move on and help her feel better. I slung a towel around my waist as I stepped out of the shower. This was not the way I saw my day going, but that was my life now.

If it wasn’t for Izzy, what would I have done? Probably taken a shower with Carli in my arms, trying desperately not to fall or get vomit on her as I cleaned up. I was lucky as hell that Izzy hadn’t run out the door when Tahlia showed up.

I was just walking upstairs when I heard Carli’s sweet voice, talking softly to Izzy.

“Momma used to sing to me when I didn’t feel good.”

“Yeah? What did she like to sing?”

I pushed the cracked door open, peeking inside to hear her better.

“Lots of songs,” Carli mumbled. “Will you sing to me?”

“Of course.”

Leaning against the doorframe, I listened as Izzy sang some old song, probably Frank Sinatra, as she ran a rag over Carli’s body. Was this what it had been like for Leah? Was she always on her own, always taking care of Carli with no one to step in when things got hard? How the hell had she held it together for those first years without me there?

I ran my hand over the scruff of my jaw as the reality of it hit me hard. There was so much that I had missed out on. Her birth, the day she was brought home from the hospital, all those sleepless nights of crying…All of those things were something every parent cherished, and I’d thrown it all away because I hadn’t wanted to make a commitment. Things might have turned out so differently, but then I might never have met Izzy.

Fuck, that was a horrible thing to think. It was like I was trading one life for another, willingly pushing Leah aside and taking away Carli’s mother for the shot at having something amazing with Izzy. What kind of father did that make me?

“Are you tired, sweetheart?”

I watched as Carli’s head dipped as her eyes drifted shut. She nodded and held out her hands for Izzy, who promptly gathered her up in a towel, not even worried about getting wet. I’d been worried before that Izzy wasn’t up for the challenge of being with me when a kid came with the package, but looking at her now, how she held Carli tight in her arms and swayed gently, humming to her, I had the feeling that Izzy had only been holding back so she didn’t get overly attached.

I quickly grabbed some pajama pants and pulled them on, tossing the towel in the hamper before quickly stripping the bed. I was just tucking in the new sheets when Izzy came in.

“Hey, she’s falling asleep,” Izzy said softly, walking over to me. “Where do you want her?”

“In here.” I took her from Izzy’s arms, holding her tight to me as I scooted into the bed. “Are you staying?”

“Do you want me to?” she asked, the vulnerability shining bright in her eyes.

I held out my hand, grateful when she pulled off her soaked shirt and grabbed a new one before slipping under the covers with me. “She’s still warm,” I noted.

“Yeah. I’ll get some water in a little bit for her. Hopefully, she can keep it down.”

Carli was fast asleep now, resting on my chest peacefully. “You were really good with her.”

“Was I?” Izzy smiled at Carli, brushing her hand down her back. “She’s so easy to love.”

“I wasn’t sure you would,” I admitted. Her eyes flicked to mine in uncertainty. She started to pull away, but I snatched her hand, holding her to me. “Is this going to work?”

“I—” Her mouth snapped shut as she watched Carli, her eyes softening with every second that passed. “I want it to. I just…”

A tear slipped down her cheek, melting into the pillowcase. The pain in her eyes wasn’t hard to find. I knew Carli reminded her of all she lost, but this was a chance for us to have something real, if she was brave enough to take that step.

But I couldn’t force that on her. She had to want both of us, as much as it hurt. I would never give my daughter less than she deserved, even if that meant walking away from the woman I was falling hard for. I was trying my damndest to not give in to my desires to force the subject. Hell, with Izzy, I’d changed everything about how I handled things because I knew there was no other way.

Then again, since Carli came into my life, I hardly recognized the man I used to be. My priorities shifted drastically the moment I realized I was a father. Maybe the man I used to be was no longer who I needed to be. I slid my hand across to hers, holding her tight.

“She’s so beautiful,” Izzy whispered. “So full of life, and she’s so smart. And sometimes…”

“It reminds you of Claire.”

She nodded, rubbing her hand gently down Carli’s back. “I want this more than anything.” Her eyes locked on mine with determination shining bright. “This is just so new to me, and I would be lying if I said that I’m fine. I’m not, and I don’t know if I ever will be, but I’m working on it.”

“I know.” I saw it every fucking day, the struggle and the pain. It was all there no matter how hard she tried to hide it or run from it. But when she smiled—Fuck, it was so damn beautiful.

“Honestly, I didn’t want to get attached to Carli. She’s so sweet, but?—”

“But what if you lost her?” I asked when she choked up. “That will never happen.”

“Not everyone stays together,” she whispered. “What if it didn’t work out? What if…what if after everything, we don’t fit together?”

I didn’t know what to say to her. It could happen. It didn’t matter what I felt right now. Couples broke up all the time. People got divorced. I couldn’t lie to her and tell her everything would be fine.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “But this isn’t a half in, half out kind of deal. Either you love us and want to be with us, or you walk away. Because otherwise, what are we doing?”

She took a staggering breath and nodded. “I know. I just need time.”

“I can give you time.”

Hell, I’d give her anything she needed. After what she’d been through—after what happened just months ago—she was healing and getting better, but there would be hard days. There might always be a struggle to fit back into society. She’d been held prisoner for so long, I was actually surprised at how well adjusted she’d become. So, if she needed time to accept what was happening and become comfortable, I would give it to her.

Because I knew she was worth it, even if she couldn’t feel it yet.

* * *

I woke in the afternoon to my phone ringing. Izzy and Carli were asleep beside me, so I quickly answered the phone to keep from waking them. “Yeah?”

“It’s Lock. We need to talk.”

I glanced back at my daughter. “Now’s not a good time.”

Izzy stretched, blinking softly at me. “I can watch her,” she murmured.

“Are you sure?”

She nodded, sliding her hand onto Carli’s back. “Go ahead. We’ll be fine.”

I bent over and pressed a kiss to her soft lips, wishing I could stay. “I’ll be there in ten,” I answered, hanging up. Cupping Izzy’s cheek, I brushed my nose against hers. Fuck, I was becoming such a pussy. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. I’m just sleeping in your bed. I haven’t done much of anything.”

I knew what she was saying, but she had no fucking idea what it was like to know I could count on her. “It’s everything.”

With another kiss, I was up and getting dressed, careful not to wake Carli. By the time I was walking out the door, Izzy was already asleep. Ten minutes later, I walked through the door of the conference room where Lock, Rae, Johnny, Jason, and Asher were sitting.

“How’s Carli?” Johnny asked.

“Done puking, I think. Izzy’s with her.”

“Figured,” he grinned.

I took my seat and nodded to Lock, who turned to Rae.

“We received these images in the last few hours, each of them coming about fifteen minutes apart,” Lock said.

Rae flipped through the images on the large screen, and what we saw was disturbing as hell. Images of Eva from all angles—with her kids, in her house, walking around the property, in the grocery store…

“What the fuck?” I snarled. “How the hell did anyone get that close to her?”

“They hacked into our own cameras for the images in her house. As for the outside images, it’s a long-range lens,” Rae informed us. “The minute these started coming in, we grabbed Eva and the kids and stashed them in the silo.”

“We can’t stop this without Cash,” Lock continued. “They’re targeting his wife and kids.”

“Good luck with that,” Asher retorted. “He wasn’t a whole lot of fucking help when I saw him.”

“Something’s changed, though,” Jack said. “To send us these pictures, that has to mean it’s escalating. But why?”

“Because of whatever the fuck Cash is doing.” I jerked my chin at Rae. “Are there any other images or only of Eva?”

Rae hesitated, then flipped to the final image. It was of Eva shopping for a car with Izzy. The image was focused on Izzy as she was smiling behind the wheel of her car. My blood boiled as I studied it. She was so fucking happy that day, and now it was all fucking tainted.

“They don’t ever get close, but the fact that they hacked into our system means we have to reset the whole fucking thing and upgrade our protocols,” Lock said. “Our guys in the field aren’t safe right now, not with someone accessing our equipment. Thumper phoned in a half hour ago. They were attacked on their job. We’ve alerted everyone else, but for the moment, we need to stem the bleeding.”

I didn’t like the look in his eyes as he stared at Jack. “You want us to go out.”

He slid three folders across the table, each of them containing the pertinent information of the job. “Last known location for Cash. Get in, do whatever you have to do to fix the fucking problem. Knight’s with him. If you need to, use Kate to get him to pull his head out of his ass. We need this finished if anyone’s going to be safe.”

“On it,” Jack said, pushing back from his chair.

There was no other choice. If I wanted Izzy safe, I had to leave her to figure out how the fuck to end this thing.

“I’m going with,” Asher said, staring at Jack. “I know you guys work alone, but these assholes destroyed my fucking life. I need to end this as much as you.”

“You know who would be perfect for this,” Rae grinned.

“No. We’re not taking Fox,” I snapped. “The idea is to end this shit, not start World War III.”

“It was just a suggestion. I’ll be here for anything you need.” Rae pushed back from the table, her face turning serious. “If you see Cash, tell him to stop fucking around and come home.”

“Because he listens to all of you?” I shook my head. “He didn’t seem to care too much the last time we saw him.”

“Show him the pictures,” Lock argued. “Maybe seeing his family as a target will put things in perspective.”

I doubted that, but it was worth a shot. My gaze slid to Johnny’s. “Ask Tahlia if she can watch Carli.”

“You don’t want to leave her with Izzy?”

“I’m not sure she’s up for that yet.”

“Not sure that’s the best idea,” Jack muttered. “I’m not sure I would trust my kid with her at the moment.”

Rage burned in my gut, and before I knew it, I was across the room, tossing Jack up against the wall. My whole body shook as I pressed my arm to his throat, ready to burn the fucking ground he walked on for speaking about Izzy that way.

I barely heard Johnny yelling at me, felt him jerking at my arm to let Jack go before I fucking killed him. But I couldn’t do it. I was consumed with the desire to put anyone in the ground who dared to talk about her that way.

“Jason, let him go!” Johnny shouted, wrapping his arm around my own neck and jerking hard. The pressure shocked me back to reality and I stepped away, breathing through the anger. “Fuck, you have got to get that shit under control!”

I jabbed my finger at Jack, “Don’t you ever fucking talk about her that way.”

“In what way?” he snapped. “The one where your girlfriend was held captive for thirteen fucking years and then tried to hurt herself? She’s not okay, Jason. You want to believe that, but she’s not, and until she has more time to heal, you can’t trust her to be able to take care of herself and your daughter.” He let out a harsh breath, shaking his head. “I’m not saying that to be a dick. I’m reminding you that as much as she appears fine, she’s not going to be okay overnight. Just fucking remember that.”

He stomped past me out of the room, and I shoved my hands on my hips, breathing hard and pushing down the rage so I didn’t go after him.

“He’s right,” Johnny said quietly. “You know none of us have it out for Izzy, but you have to keep your daughter safe. Jack is looking out for you, and if you’d stop flipping out at the drop of a hat, you’d see that you’re not okay either. You haven’t been since Leah died.”

“Would you be?”

He shook his head. “No, but I’m not the one who’s trying to kill my friends.” He clapped me on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Get your shit together before you get one of us killed on this job.”

I gave a curt nod and headed out, ignoring the worried look Lock shot my way. I thought about what Johnny said and realized he was right. I was fooling myself if I thought Izzy was ready to look after Carli, not that I was going to ask her. But she wasn’t ready. Hell, I was just getting her to admit that she really liked Carli. She had so many issues surrounding kids, but that wasn’t the crux of her problems. Yes, she had gone through therapy and was still continuing that, but her issues wouldn’t be worked out anytime soon. She was just learning what it was like to be on her own and make her own decisions. Expecting anything more than that was just asking too much.

I pushed my front door open and smiled as Carli came running over to me with her arms spread wide. She still looked sick, but at least she wasn’t throwing up.

“Daddy!”

“Hey, baby girl,” I grinned, pulling her into my arms. “How are you?”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“No throwing up!”

“Are you ready to eat?”

She grimaced, shaking her head at me. “Uh-uh. Can we watch a movie?”

Izzy walked into the living room holding a cup of coffee. “Hey. How was the meeting?”

“It was fine, but I need to go out of town.” I gave my attention to Carli once again. “Would you mind staying with Tahlia while I’m gone?”

“Really?” she gasped, her eyes lighting up. “I love Tahlia!”

And that was the only reason I felt comfortable going out of town, but the hurt look on Izzy’s face caught me off guard. I didn’t think she would care, but now that I heard everyone’s concerns, I knew I had to discuss this with Izzy.

“Why don’t you run upstairs and pack a bag?”

“Can I bring my blanket?”

“Yep.”

“And my bear?”

“You know you can.”

“And my dinosaur?”

I gave her an admonishing look. “Go pack your bag.”

Without another word, she ran upstairs, leaving me alone with Izzy.

“So, when are you leaving?” she asked, her eyes avoiding me.

“Pretty soon.”

She nodded, taking a drink of her coffee.

“Izzy, we should talk.”

She flinched, taking a seat on the couch. “Yeah, sure. What did you want to talk about?”

Sighing, I took a seat beside her and held her hand.

“Wow, it must be bad,” she teased.

“It’s not bad, but I saw the look on your face. You’re upset I didn’t ask you to stay with Carli.”

“It’s okay.” She shot me a forced smile. “You don’t trust me yet.”

“It’s not that.”

“Right.”

The devastation in her eyes told me all I needed to know, but that wouldn’t change my mind. “Izzy, you’ve come a long way and I’m so proud of you, but it would be asking too much.”

She shoved to her feet, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “Isn’t that for me to decide?”

“No. Because I’m Carli’s father and it’s my job to look out for her best interests. And before you get all pissed off, I know how that sounds, but the reality is, it hasn’t been that long since you ended up in the hospital.”

“It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?” she sighed. “I’ll have that hanging over my head for the rest of my life.”

“You won’t. And this isn’t about whether or not I trust you. This is about the fact that you went through a lot of shit, and you need time to be yourself without me thrusting the responsibility of my daughter on you.”

“It’s fine, Jason. You don’t have to explain it to me?—”

I stood, grabbing her by the arm before she could walk away. “Clearly, I do because you’re already making up stories in your head. Izzy, that bastard tormented you for thirteen fucking years. You only realized how strong his hold was on you a little while ago. It’s okay to take a fucking break and put yourself first. It’s okay to tell me or anyone else who asks that you’re still adjusting and that you need time. Hell, I’m not fucking okay!”

She flinched at my words, taking a step away from me. “Because of what I did.”

“No, not because of that. Because…” My eyes flicked to the stairs to make sure Carli wasn’t listening. “Because I have my own fucking issues. I saw Carli’s mom after she’d been tortured and brutally killed. I was going to see her, to ask her to give me another chance, and when I walked through the door…” I closed my eyes, still fucking remembering the metallic scent of blood. “I was too late, and Carli paid the price for that. I have to find a way to get past all the shit in my head, and the only things keeping me together are Carli and you. So, no. I’m not fucking okay. I’m terrified that I failed one woman, and I’ll do it again. I’m scared that as much as you’re healing, I’ll ask too much of you before you’re ready, and it’ll send you back to what I walked in on?—”

I cut myself off and turned away. Fuck, I didn’t want either of us going back in time to that day.

Her hand curled around my arm and she tugged me back into her embrace. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”

“I didn’t want you to,” I admitted. “I want to take care of you. I want to make you feel safe. And telling you that I’m fucked up…how does that help?”

“Well…it makes me feel like I’m not alone in the fucked up department,” she teased.

I turned around and pulled her into my arms. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that.”

“It’s okay. I get it. I don’t exactly like admitting that I’m screwed up either.”

“So, you’re okay with Carli staying with Tahlia?”

A soft smile graced her lips, and it wasn’t one of those fake ones I’d seen her plaster on her face too many times before. “Yeah, I’m good with it.”

I brushed my thumb over her cheek, kissing her hard. “Then I’ll be back soon, and when I do, I want you in my bed again.”

“What about Carli?”

“We’ll figure it out.”