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IZZY

Tonight.

I had until tonight to make up my mind. That’s what he was telling me. Why did he have to say anything at the waterpark? The rest of the day, I was watching him play with his daughter, dreaming of his body pressed against mine, and having one hell of a time behaving myself. I wasn’t used to feeling so out of control, but one word from him—one smoldering look—and I was a wreck.

I sat in a lounger, watching as he came down the slide with Carli, laughing as she took a shot of water to the face. That kid was so damn adorable, and my heart clenched as I thought of the child I should have had. She’d be about Carli’s age. Would she have been as beautiful? Would she have survived Zavala?

Sitting here watching them play together only made everything harder. Guilt struck hard knowing that my little girl was gone and all because of who her father was. Why couldn’t she have had a more loving parent? Why would he choose to hurt her like that?

Because he wanted to hurt me.

The hard truth was that I made Zavala mad, however unintentional, and my daughter paid the price. I got her killed, and the guilt I felt was all consuming, making it impossible to breathe at times. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t my fault. But I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her.

I leaned back in the lounger and slid my sunglasses in place, ignoring the burning of tears in my eyes. Tears wouldn’t do any good right now, but I couldn’t stop them from spilling over. I quickly swiped them away, forcing a smile when Jason looked up at me with Carli in his arms.

Oh God, he was walking my way. I couldn’t talk to him right now, not when I felt like I was going to fall apart. I needed to get out of here. My eyes darted around, looking for an escape. Eva was here with the kids, so I couldn’t ask her to get me out of here, but Kavanaugh…

I shot to my feet and booked it across the pool area, hoping he wouldn’t tell me no. I could feel Jason’s eyes on me the whole way. I knew he would be concerned, and I knew Carli would be disappointed I was leaving, but how could I stay and watch this perfect family when I had lost everything?

“Kavanaugh,” I gasped, my heart in my throat.

He turned and took one look at me before taking my hand and leading me away. He didn’t ask any questions or try to get me to talk. The jovial demeanor that was just on his face was now replaced with grim determination to get me out of there. I didn’t even bother with my things. Jason would grab them. I had no doubt about that.

We barely made it through the gate to the parking lot before I started hyperventilating. Gasps left my lips, but no air would fill my lungs. I was going to pass out if I didn’t get some air soon.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kavanaugh murmured, pulling me into his arms. Our wet bodies smashed together, but there was nothing sexual about it. I clung to him, my nails clawing at his skin as my legs shook and anxiety rippled through me.

His hand slid up and down my back, but it wasn’t really him I wanted. I needed Jason, but he had Carli with him, and I couldn’t ruin her day, not because I was having a panic attack about the child I’d lost. It wasn’t fair to her. Hell, nothing about this was fair for a child like her. She’d already lost her mother. She didn’t need someone like me in her life, ruining everything good she had with her father.

I was a mess, a fucking disaster. I would only ruin her life with my fucked up head. Jason would try to help me, but in the end, it would put a strain on his relationship with his daughter, and she had to come first.

A mewling sound slipped from my lips as I broke down in sobs, mourning what I thought would be a positive change in my life. Instead, I already knew I was too screwed up to ever be what they needed in their lives. I didn’t know if I’d ever get over what happened to me or if I could be what Carli needed in her life, and I knew damn well that’s what Jason was hoping for.

“Get me out of here,” I whispered, holding Kavanaugh closer to me.

When he tried to move, I couldn’t let go. Every piece of me was shaking, threatening to fall apart. My body wouldn’t hold me up if he stepped away.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, sliding his hands under my legs and hoisting me into the air. “It’s okay, Izzy. It’s okay.”

I shook my head against his chest, burying my face against him. “It’ll never be okay.”

His steps were swift as he carried me across the lot. I wasn’t aware of much of anything until we stood at his truck and I heard another voice.

“She okay?”

“Not sure. Do you have my keys?”

“Everything’s here.”

“Thanks, man.”

“No problem.”

I heard the truck door open and then Kavanaugh set me inside, brushing the hair back from my face. I tried to hide, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

I shook my head, fighting the tears that were coming hard. I was so messed up. When were people going to realize that and walk away completely? When would they decide they’d had enough of me?

“Okay. Let’s get you home,” Kavanaugh murmured. He pressed a kiss to my cheek and brushed my hair back again before shutting the door. I kept my eyes closed as he got in, but when we started to drive away, I opened my eyes and looked out the window. Jason stood there, holding Carli’s hand as we drove away, and he looked fucking devastated.

Tucking my feet up under me, I wallowed in self-pity the rest of the way home. Maybe it was wrong of me, but I was utterly humiliated and the only thing I wanted right now was to go to bed and pretend this day never happened.

“Hey, we’re here,” Kavanaugh said some time later.

When I finally had the courage to look at him, all I saw was understanding, but shame filled me that I had torn him away from his fun day. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“You were having a good time.”

He cracked a smile, sliding his hand across the seat to grip mine. “I got to carry a beautiful, soaking wet woman through a parking lot. It was the highlight of my day.”

Not even his teasing could pull me out of the slump I was in. “Thank you for bringing me home.”

“Hey, anytime. I mean that.”

I nodded and got out, feeling like my feet were made of bricks as I walked up the steps to my house. Vira was at the waterpark, too, so at least I would have the house to myself where no one could judge me for being so fucking screwed up.

When the door slammed behind me, I looked around the empty house and sighed. It was a relief to be alone, but was this the way it would always be? Was I doomed to live life for myself, with no one to really have by my side because I didn’t know how to let anyone in?

I trudged upstairs and took off my swimsuit, mortified that Kavanaugh had carried me out of the park like this. The pink polka dot bikini was supposed to be freeing and remind me that I was no longer under Zavala’s control, but I was beginning to see that material things didn’t mean a thing. A bikini would never free me. Staying in this house where I was able to go as I pleased wouldn’t take away the pain of thirteen years of abuse and torture. None of this would heal my broken mind. That was something I had to do on my own, but the problem was, I just didn’t feel strong enough to do it right now.

I pulled a T-shirt over my head and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up over me. As I stared at the wall, I knew I might never recover from what happened to me, and that thought weighed heavily on my mind. Because if I couldn’t get past this, what was left for me in this life? Would I ever truly be happy, or was I doomed to relive my past over and over again?

It was all too much to think about, so I let my eyes drift shut and my dreams take me away. At least there, I knew where I stood.

Alone.

Always alone.

* * *

“Push, Isabelle.”

Tears clung to my eyes as I did what the doctor asked. I was in so much pain. My body hurt so badly, but the mental agony was worse. I already knew she was gone.

Ebarardo stepped in front of me, his face twisted in a sneer. “You killed her.”

Sobs wracked my body as I pushed past the pain to deliver the child that was already dead inside me.

A stinging slap landed hard across my cheek as Ebarardo got in my face. “You’ll pay for losing our child. You had one job and that was to care for our child.”

I knew I’d done all I could for her, but that didn’t stop the guilt from eating me alive. Another contraction hit and I screamed, forcing the child from my body. Ebarardo had refused to let me have any drugs. He said I didn’t deserve them after what I had done. But I felt it, the moment she slipped from my body. Relief crashed over me, but then the sorrow hit hard. Instead of the cries I expected, it was silent. I had dreamed about this moment for so long, ever since I found out I was pregnant. I thought our child would be a lifeline holding me together, keeping me from going insane while I was here. Now I knew there was nothing that could ever save me. Everything could be taken away, even the most precious thing in the world.

My jaw trembled as shakes took over my whole body. The light around me faded to a dull gray until all I saw was Ebarardo holding my little girl, talking to her as if she was alive.

“Let me hold her,” I cried, holding out my trembling arms.

“Hold her? You killed her. Let this be a lesson to you, Isabelle. Never cross me again. Things get taken from you when you’ve been bad. You will never hold your child.”

He turned to the doctor, handing our little girl off without giving me a chance to grieve. “Get rid of it.”

A moan left my lips at his words. I fell back against the pillow, crying as I reached for her. “Please! Please, let me hold her!”

The tears didn’t abate, not even when he slapped me hard across the face. “You will never see her. You did this, Isabelle. You killed our child. I will never forgive you for this.”

* * *

“Has she come out yet?”

“No.”

I could hear them talking about me, but I refused to move. My whole body felt like dead weight, and I had no desire to move from the comfort of my bed.

“It’s been three fucking days, Vira,” Jason snapped. “I need to see her.”

“If she wants to see anyone, she’ll say so.”

God, Vira was too good to me. She always had my back, no matter what.

“No. This has gone on long enough. I gave her time, but this shit has to end.”

“Wait!”

I heard his boots pounding on the stairs, but I still didn’t move. My whole body was numb to everything, including the wrath I knew I would face when he came in and looked at me. He was going to be pissed, but I couldn’t find it in me to care.

Yesterday, I remembered the moment the doctor told me the baby was gone. My memory had been hiding those details from me—the pain of delivering my child, but knowing she was already gone. And Zavala…he was so cruel, holding my dead baby up, showing me her lifeless form as he blamed me for her death.

Since then, I hadn’t been able to drag myself from bed. Nothing around me seemed to matter, not even eating or drinking. I had sunk into a depression so deep, I wasn’t sure I could claw my way out.

My eyes did a slow blink as Jason walked around and crouched down in front of me. The concern in his eyes normally would have made me shrink in on myself, but today I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Izzy,” he whispered, taking my curled hand in his. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

I continued to stare past him. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to tell him my shame, about how I had ruined the one good thing in my life. He already knew my baby was gone. I’d told him the worst of what happened before the delivery. But this…

I took a shattered breath and closed my eyes. I just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Baby, I need you to talk to me. You’ve been holed up in here for days. This isn’t good for you.”

He didn’t get it. He never would. “Just leave,” I whispered, not having the energy to say anything more.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

The rough command in his voice nearly had me opening my eyes, but I fought the wave of emotion that crashed through me at the heartbreak in his voice.

“Alright. I get it. You don’t want to talk about it, but we’re not doing this. Not again.”

I thought for sure that meant that he was leaving, and the thought brought me both pain and relief. Relief that he was leaving, and pain that he didn’t think I was worth it. I already knew that. I shouldn’t be upset.

I argued with myself back and forth for a whole five seconds, and then the covers were ripped from my body and cold air washed over my skin. Jason shoved his arms under my legs and back, pulling me from the bed.

Screeching, I wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging to him. “What are you doing?”

“Getting you out of bed. I’m not letting you fall into some dark hole, Izzy.”

The beginning stirs of indignation lit inside me, but it wasn’t enough yet to argue. Yes, I wanted to be in my bed, but I also calmed instantly at the feel of his arms around me.

Except, he had other plans.

He carried me into the shower and set me down, turning on the spray without bothering to get undressed first. Cold water shocked my body, leaving me a shaking mess, but Jason immediately adjusted the water and tugged at the hem of my T-shirt, pulling it over my head.

My gaze snapped to his and something inside me sparked. “What are you doing?”

“Getting you out of your head. It’s time to shower.”

The shirt was yanked away from my body and tossed on the floor. He pulled the shower curtain shut and grabbed the removable shower handle, holding it over my head.

“Jason—”

“No, Izzy,” he snapped, his eyes hard as he stared at me. “I gave you time. I fucking waited for you to call me and tell me what the fuck was going on. But I’m not waiting any longer.”

“Maybe I don’t want to tell you,” I argued as fury raised inside me.

“Too fucking bad. Do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? You think that if you push me away enough, I’ll leave. Well, get it through your head. It’s gonna take more shit than whatever has you so fucking depressed for me to walk away.”

His words stabbed me in the chest, spilling my pain all over the shower floor. I ducked my head, hating for him to see me this low. I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed, and I was already vulnerable enough since I was naked.

He tipped my chin back, forcing me to look at him. He loved to do this, to make me look at him when all I wanted to do was hide.

“Did I push too hard?” The uncertainty in his eyes left me confused.

“Push too hard about what?”

“At the waterpark…the things I said to you.”

Tonight .

His words filtered through the fog in my brain and I realized that this whole time, he thought this was his fault. Sighing, I tipped forward until my forehead was pressed to his chest. I had been so lost with my memories that I hadn’t realized how I left things, and how that would affect Jason and Carli.

“It wasn’t you,” I murmured. “Not entirely.”

Gently, he wrapped his arms around me. The water cascaded over my naked body, warming me as I stood there. “I was so fucking scared, Izzy. When I saw you freak out and run away…I thought I pushed too hard.”

I rolled my head against his chest, telling him it wasn’t him. “I saw you playing with Carli and…” The words clogged in my throat. I didn’t know how to tell him everything that haunted me. I wasn’t sure I could.

“Izzy…” he choked out.

I slid my hand around his waist, pulling his wet body closer to mine. I was all too aware of the fact that I was completely naked while he was fully dressed. That gave me the courage to be bold for once in my life. The way I’d been feeling the past few days made me weak and twisted my soul, but right now, I just wanted to feel alive.

I stepped back, sliding my hand from his waist, down the front of his jeans. His sharp intake of breath had me looking up to gauge his reaction, testing the waters to make sure I wasn’t getting this wrong. Zavala tried to enter my thoughts, but I pushed him from my mind, focusing solely on Jason.

I was tired of rehashing the same things in my mind over and over again. I’d just spent days in my bed, refusing to move, and yet, Jason came to save me. He cared when I couldn’t bring myself to.

Maybe it was time to stop thinking.