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JASON

I couldn’t help watching her as she stared with wonder at that damn ice cream cone. It pissed me off that something as simple as eating dessert set off an anxiety attack for her. I was fucking mesmerized as I watched her close her eyes and stick out her tongue. I held my breath for the first swipe, captivated by the way she slowly ran her tongue along the chocolate, then sucked the ice cream into her mouth.

Her eyelids fluttered open and she smiled so fucking bright.

“She likes it, Daddy,” Carli whispered.

“Yeah, I think she does,” I grinned.

Izzy’s eyes met mine and a blush stained her cheeks. “What’s that smile for?”

“Just watching you have your first taste.”

Her eyebrow arched delicately as she cocked her head at me. “You know, I think that’s the first time I’ve actually seen you smile.”

“I could say the same thing.”

Sure, she’d smiled before, but nothing like this. No, this was a genuine fucking bright as the sun smile. And it was all because of ice cream. Hell, I needed to get a fucking picture of that. No one would ever believe me if I told them. Not that I would. The image I’d captured in my head was for me and only me.

It never occurred to me that I would actually enjoy these moments back when Lock asked us to watch over Izzy for Knight. In fact, I pretty much thought it would be the worst fucking assignment ever. But there was something about watching a person come back to life that was fucking amazing to watch.

It reminded me of how I got to discover all the ways Carli changed in just the few months I’d had her. I’d missed out on so much already, but I was determined not to miss out on anything else. And now that I saw Izzy eating ice cream for the first time in years, I realized I didn’t want to miss a single fucking thing she rediscovered either.

And that was a fucking problem.

“Daddy, I’m done. Can I go play?”

“Sure, baby girl.”

She hopped off my leg and ran to the slide, climbing up the steps. I knew I had Jack and Johnny watching from a distance, which made it easier to let her play. They’d let me know if there were any signs of trouble.

“She seems to really love you,” Izzy said, watching Carli play. “It must have been hard to find out you had a daughter.”

Leah sitting in that chair with blood dripping from her hair flashed through my mind again, but I shoved it away. Clenching my fists, I focused on the present. “I wish I had known sooner.”

“Why didn’t her mother tell you?”

I knew she was watching me, waiting for me to look at her, but I couldn’t do it. I still held onto so much guilt over Leah’s death, and I knew if I faced her, I’d see disappointment.

“When I was with Leah, I didn’t want any kind of relationship. I made it pretty damn clear to her that I never wanted to see her again. I guess she decided that extended to knowing about my child. Can’t say I blame her,” I added quietly.

“Did you love her?”

I shook my head slowly. “When I went back for her, I thought I did. Hell, I don’t know,” I sighed. “I never gave her a chance.”

Izzy sat quietly beside me, not forcing me to talk about anything else. I appreciated that. She was probably the only person I felt comfortable talking with about Leah, and I could only imagine that was because of all the crap she’d been through. If she could open up to me, I could reciprocate.

“I think you’re doing a great job,” Izzy said after a few minutes. “I don’t know anything about kids, but…she seems happy.”

I watched my little girl playing, laughing as she swung high on the swings, singing some silly song she made up. This was a good day. “She is now, but she still cries for her mom a lot, especially at night. She won’t sleep alone.”

“She’s scared you’ll be gone when she wakes up.”

I glanced over at her and nodded. “That’s what I thought. Most days, she wakes up and she’s smiling at me. But then there are the days when she looks around and realizes that her mom’s not there. And I worry I’ll never be enough.”

“You will be. It’ll just take time.”

It surprised me…thirteen years with that bastard and she never had any kids. It wasn’t any of my business, but before I could stop myself, the words slipped out.

“You never had any kids with him?”

She froze instantly, the happiness I’d just seen was washed away with my words. I could kick myself for being so fucking insensitive. “I did,” she said quietly. “Just one.”

“Oh, fuck,” I muttered, burying my head in my hands. “What happened?”

A tear slipped down her cheek, but that single tear quickly turned into more. I thought about telling her to forget it, but now I needed to know. I was fucking pissed as hell for her. She was suffering still, and it was all because of that fucking bastard.

“I was about eight months along, I think.” Her brows furrowed as she thought about it. “Everything is so fuzzy now.”

I didn’t think as I slipped my hand around hers, holding it tight. She was drifting off, floating away on a memory, and it fucking killed me that I sent her there.

“I don’t remember what I said or did, but…he was mad. I remember the first kick—the shock that he would do that when…but he did. I think I fell down the stairs, and then there was a lot of pain.”

“Miscarriage?”

She shook her head slowly. “No. He was still kicking me.”

If it weren’t for the fact that my daughter was with me and I was responsible for getting them both home, I would have taken off and headed to the training center to beat the shit out of someone. I’d known he’d put his hands on her. Everyone fucking knew he abused her. But this…

“He wanted to try again,” she whispered. “But I couldn’t do it. I had no way to protect a child. He would ask over and over again, and sometimes, he got mad at me when I told him no.” She slowly looked over at me. Tears glistened in her eyes as she blinked, finally coming back to the present. “I don’t think I could ever go through that again.”

I slid my arm around her back, pulling her into my arms. She came willingly, dropping her head against my shoulder. Tiny shudders wracked her body over the next half hour. We watched Carli play, neither of us talking. I slid my hand up and down her arm, hoping I was soothing her after such a traumatic memory.

I had completely fucked up. What was supposed to be a fun outing for her, I had ruined with my big mouth. She had been so happy not that long ago, and now she was barely fucking holding it together.

I didn’t say anything after that. Sorry wouldn’t adequately cover what I was feeling right now, and I doubted it would make her feel any better. So, I sat with her and held her, hoping that she could heal from what that bastard put her through and go on to live a happy life.

If anyone deserved it, it was her.

“Come on, baby girl. Time to go,” I called after a half hour.

Having worn herself out, she ran over to me, not complaining at all that it was time to leave.

“Are we getting more ice cream?”

“No, one cone is enough.”

She pouted, but didn’t argue any further. “Let’s get to the truck. We have things to do.”

“Like what?” she asked, always curious.

“Well, we have to take Izzy home and then we have to clean up your room.”

She groaned loudly, earning a smile from Izzy—strained as it may be. “Daddy, I don’t want to clean my room.”

I hoisted her into the truck and buckled her in as Izzy got in the front. “Well, that’s too bad, because if we don’t pick up, we won’t be able to find the floor.”

I pressed a kiss to her cheek and shut the door, nodding to where Jack leaned on his bike across the street. He gave me the all-clear and straddled his bike, waiting for me to pull out. In a small town, it was easy to spot anyone who didn’t belong. It was the long-range targets we had to worry about.

But as I drove down the road, I spotted Johnny to the south, waving as he signaled all was good. Izzy saw it, too.

“They were there the whole time?” she whispered.

“Always.” I’d already told her they would be.

She was silent the rest of the drive, and when I pulled up to her house, everything in me was urging me to follow her inside. A darkness had settled over her, pulling her under when she had been so happy earlier.

And it was all my fault.

“Hey,” I said, snatching her hand before she could get out. “What do you say we have a movie day?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Carli shouted, bouncing in her car seat. With wide eyes, she pleaded with Izzy to say yes.

At first, I thought she would say no, but she finally gave in, smiling back at my daughter. “Yeah, I guess we could do that.”

“Why don’t you get in something comfortable? We’ll wait out here for you.”

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You…want me to wear something comfortable?”

“You know, pajamas or something. Whatever chicks wear when they lounge.”

“I always wear jammas,” Carli said from the back.

“See? She always wears jammas.” I grinned at her, noticing I tended to do that a lot around Izzy. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had Carli now and I was becoming a softy or if it was just because I wanted to bring out a smile in Izzy.

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

She eyed me warily for a moment, then shoved the door open and hopped out. My eyes immediately went to her ass, watching it sway as she hurried up the steps to her house. She wasn’t trying to be sexy, it just came out in her. In fact, I would bet the last thing she wanted was to appear sexual in any way. But the way her jeans sculpted her ass and clung to her thighs made it damn hard to look at her and not feel a tightening in my pants.

A knock at the window jerked me out of my thoughts. Fuck, I was so busy watching Izzy that I hadn’t noticed Jack pull up beside me. I rolled down the window and nodded to him.

“Anything?”

His knowing smirk said it all. “Nope, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t catch anything.”

I glared at him. He wouldn’t dare bring up anything in front of my kid, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t taunt me for the hell of it. “Mind your own damn business.”

“Let me know if you’re going out again.”

“Not tonight,” I grumbled, rolling up my window.

I heard him chuckle as he walked away. Fuck him. Nothing was going to happen with Izzy.

Nothing ever could.

* * *

After pulling the shades on all the windows, the three of us snuggled into the couch with popcorn and drinks to watch some ungodly cartoon that felt like it would never end. I thought I’d seen the worst of Carli’s favorite movies. It turned out I was wrong.

She had shifted from the couch to the floor, her feet up in the air as she laid on her belly with her head propped up in her hands. It wasn’t exactly my idea of a relaxing Saturday afternoon, but I was finding that having a kid changed all my expectations. I was no longer responsible only for myself. I had to think of another little person at all times.

I glanced over at Izzy, watching as her eyes slowly drifted shut with every second that passed. She’d been so quiet since we came back to the house, and I knew why. I just hoped I could help drag her out of the worst of her thoughts, even if only for a little while.

Just as her eyes finally drifted shut for good, her head lolled to the side and she slumped over, resting against my shoulder. She looked uncomfortable as hell, and even though I had no right to do it, I shifted my arm until it rested behind her and pulled her into my chest. Ignoring how right it felt to have her pressed against me, I focused on the movie again, trying to ignore the feel of her breath fanning over my neck.

I glanced at the clock, wondering if I should just take Izzy home, but part of me was still worried about leaving her to her own thoughts. I knew she was still in a fragile state, even after all the therapy she went through. I didn’t want to leave her alone the whole night.

As the movie played on, I found myself growing more tired by the second. I struggled to keep my eyes open, but there were too many nights when Carli woke up crying. It took me longer than I would like to calm her down, and most of the time, the only thing that worked was putting on a cartoon for her. Maybe it was a crutch, and maybe I was doing things the wrong way, but I didn’t see another way around it at the moment.

I felt myself sinking further into the couch, pulling Izzy with me. I crashed hard, the movie becoming nothing but noise that lulled me into a deeper sleep. The last thing I remembered was Izzy’s hand slipping across my stomach as she snuggled closer to me.

When I woke sometime in the middle of the night, the TV showed only the title of the movie we’d been watching. Everything was quiet, aside from the slight snoring I heard coming from my daughter. Izzy’s head was resting on my chest and her arm was draped across me. Somehow, we’d ended up laying sideways on the couch. She looked completely comfortable, but I doubted she would feel that way if she woke up laying on top of me.

As gently as possible, I shifted until I was out from under her, then pulled a blanket down over her to replace my body heat. After a long stretch, I cracked my back, working out all the stiffness from the awkward angle I’d been laying. I debated leaving Carli on the floor, but decided it was best to take her to bed. Aside from the nights she woke up crying, she slept like the dead. I hoped this was one of those times.

I wrapped her up in her blankie and carried her upstairs, laying her in my bed. She was so used to sleeping there, I didn’t want her waking up anywhere else. I flipped on the nightlight, casting the stars over the ceiling to keep her company. She looked so damn peaceful sprawled out in my bed, taking up way more of it than any child should.

I was so damn lucky to have her, and the longer I stared at her, the more I thanked God for giving her to me. What if nothing had happened to Leah? Would she have ever told me about her? Tahlia said she wanted to, but would she really? I would never know. I might have missed out on so much more time with her.

And that was what really shredded me. In order to find out about my daughter, Leah had to die. She knew something was happening that night. She had enough warning to lock Carli in the basement, so why didn’t she call me? Did she think I wouldn’t come?

I scrubbed my hand over my face, refusing to think about it any longer tonight. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened, and I would probably never have answers to the questions that plagued me.

Heading back downstairs, I walked silently through the house, checking all the doors—something I hadn’t done earlier and was now kicking myself for. Of course, I hadn’t intended for all of us to fall asleep either. Grabbing a water from the fridge, I stared out into the back yard, thinking of all the things I wanted to do around here.

Hell, I was a dad now. I needed to start thinking like one, which meant having a swingset for my kid and maybe a pool. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed in the blink of an eye. Everything was different. My priorities had shifted so fast that I hadn’t even realized how much I’d changed until this very moment. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d been to the gym.

That was something that had to change immediately. I was of no use to anyone if I fell out of shape. If I wanted to come home from a job and see my baby girl, I had to be at the top of my game.

I headed back into the living room and sank down into the chair, but the sound of whimpering had me sitting upright. It was Izzy. She was curled up on the couch with a pained expression on her face.

Fuck.