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17

ISABELLE

After pretty much everyone and their brother welcomed me home, I finally walked inside with Vira and Eva, enjoying the silence once more.

“There’s nowhere to sit,” I noted as I looked around the empty space. It literally did not have a single piece of furniture or decoration on the walls. It was a blank canvas all for me.

“I told you, it’s for you to design,” Eva grinned.

“I bet you didn’t think about where I’d be staying tonight.”

She smirked at me. “I have an air mattress upstairs for you, along with some blankets that are on loan. I want them back when you’re done with them.”

I bit my lip, wondering about everything else. “What about my clothes?”

“Yeah, we’re going shopping,” Vira grinned. “Which just so happens to be one of my favorite things to do.”

They both seemed so excited, but to me, it just sounded so overwhelming. There was so much to do.

“Isabelle—”

“Izzy,” I instantly corrected. I wasn’t sure why, but Isabelle just didn’t sound right anymore.

They shared a look before Eva continued.

“Izzy, we’ll just take it one day at a time,” Eva added. “I thought for today, we’d pick out your bed. That’s simple enough and you’ll want that most.”

A bed. All I had to do was pick out a bed. “I’ve never done that before.”

“Then this is your chance!”

“But…I don’t have any money.” You sort of needed money for shopping. And filling an entire house with furniture and decorations…I didn’t even want to think of the cost.

“There’s plenty of money for you.”

“How? I don’t have?—”

“Cash set up an account.”

I shook my head immediately. “No, I won’t take his money. You should save that for your kids.”

“He has plenty. We both do. Trust me?—”

“Eva, this isn’t borrowing a couple hundred dollars to buy some new clothes. We’re talking about thousands of dollars. I could never repay that. I can’t do it.”

I didn’t care what she said. I just couldn’t stand the thought of owing her that money. But as soon as I said the words, a guilty look crossed her face and I knew she was hiding something from me.

“What is it?”

She bit her lip. “I’m not supposed to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

Her eyes flicked to Vira. I spun, looking at my roommate. “What is it?”

“Just tell her,” Vira shrugged. “She has a right to know.”

Now I was really pissed.

“It’s Zavala’s money. When he was killed…well, his assets were just there until the government eventually went in to seize them. Well, what was left after the cartels took over. Mostly from financial institutions. At the time, you were still in the hospital, and Cash knew you would need money to start over, so he asked Rae to transfer funds from Zavala’s accounts to an account for you.”

My jaw dropped to the floor. “It’s blood money?”

“It’s yours,” Eva snapped. “Through your blood, sweat, and tears. That man tortured you for thirteen years. Besides, you were married. It’s not like you’re stealing it.”

“I don’t want it!” It was dirty money. All of it was tainted by drugs and whores and God knows what else. “No, I could never accept it. I don’t want it.”

“Too bad,” Eva retorted. “I’ve seen the crap that man put you through. Granted, it was only the tip of the iceberg, but it was enough to know that no one else deserves that money more than you. If the government gets it, where do you think it’s going to go? You won’t have any say in it. You won’t be able to make sure that it doesn’t go back into the hands of someone else who will be just as bad as Zavala.”

“It’s the government?—”

“And someone was pulling the strings to make sure The Syndicate was able to stay functioning for so long without repercussions,” Eva argued. “I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever backed The Syndicate already had the money wired to a new operation.” She sighed, brushing a hand over her face in exhaustion. “I know you don’t want to hear that or even talk about it. You’ve dealt with enough of this shit to last a lifetime, and I’m not asking you to get involved. I’m saying, take what you deserve. Cash wanted you to have this. He wanted to make sure you were taken care of. Rafe sure as hell would have given it to you, also.”

I quirked an eyebrow at her. “That’s a low blow.”

“Did it work?”

I didn’t want it to, but she had a point. I needed the money, and I did deserve it after all the crap I went through.

“You’re not accepting Zavala’s money,” Vira shrugged. “You’re taking what’s owed to you.”

There really wasn’t any point in arguing with either of them. I could tell Eva wasn’t going to back down, and Vira clearly wanted to go shopping. “Then I guess we’d better get to the store so I can get a bed.”

Eva’s grin was infectious, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt a small hint of excitement. I was going to pick out a bed. It was going to be all mine.

“I’ve never picked out a bed before. I don’t know how to do this.”

“We’ll take you to all the different stores,” Vira grinned. “You can test them out and spend all day looking if you want.”

“That sounds exhausting.”

“It’ll be awesome. And then we’ll get lunch and?—”

“Nope.” I held up my hand, taking charge. This had to be done my way. I trembled slightly at the disappointed look on Vira’s face. Could I really tell her what I wanted to do? I had to. I would be strong enough.

“I want a haircut.”

My heart rattled in my chest as I waited for them to yell at me for disagreeing with them, but instead, Eva smiled at me and Vira grabbed her purse.

“I bet Jenna has time to get you in.”

“Jenna?”

“At All Curled Up,” Eva clarified. “She’s Duke’s ex-mother-in-law or something. Anyway, she’s fantastic.”

Suddenly, this was all moving so fast. I had expected them to put up a fight or something. Now I was walking out the door and getting into the car. There was no argument to talk me out of chopping off my hair. In fact, they were asking me about how I wanted to cut it and if I was going to color it. That was insanity, right? Was I really going to do this?

Then we were in front of the shop and I was staring up at the sign, my lips trembling in fear. I was out of the house. I had actually walked out. It hadn’t really hit me that I had walked out voluntarily. Then again, I hadn’t been there in a month. Maybe things would be easier this time around.

Eva opened the door and I stepped inside. An older woman got out of her chair and beamed at me as she rushed over, swarming Eva in a hug.

“Eva, it’s so good to see you! I was wondering when you would come in again!”

“Well, I’m not here for a cut. I brought in my sister-in-law. She wants a change.”

The woman’s eyes lit up with excitement. “I’m Jenna, honey.”

“Izzy,” I managed to say, holding out my hand.

She bypassed my hand and wrapped me in a hug. When she stepped back, she started playing with my hair. It had grown a lot in the last year. I hadn’t gotten it trimmed since the island, but when I was there, I was always expected to keep it trimmed and styled.

“Do you have anything in particular in mind?”

Anything in mind? I didn’t know anything about hairstyles or what looked good right now. I didn’t want to have to decide either. “Just do whatever you want.”

Her face slipped into a frown. “But this is your hair.”

I turned to Eva. “Is she good?”

“The best,” she smiled.

“Then I trust you. Do whatever you think will look best on me. I don’t know anything about hair, and I don’t want to have to think about it. I want a change, and I’ll go with whatever you give me.”

“Anything?”

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. “Anything.”

* * *

I looked at myself in the mirror again and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I hardly recognized myself. The long locks that nearly touched my butt were gone. Now, my hair was cut so it just brushed my shoulders and Jenna showed me how to style it with beach waves. I actually thought it fit my face so much better than the long hair. She’d also put some highlights into my hair. I no longer felt so monotone. Just that little bit of change made me feel ten times lighter.

“Do you really like it?” Jenna asked.

“I love it!” I couldn’t stop smiling. It was like a permanent grin was etched on my face. I never knew I could feel this way after everything that had happened or that leaving the mental hospital could turn into such a positive thing.

While Eva paid, I headed outside, still smiling like crazy. But as soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk, a young woman passed me, shooting me a dirty look. Immediately, I shrank in on myself, questioning whether it was my haircut or something about the way I was dressed. Maybe she knew who I was.

I let my gaze wander over other people around town and felt like they were all looking at me. Did they all know who I was? Did they all know that I was the woman who had been held captive for thirteen years? Were they whispering about me everywhere they went?

“Ready?”

I jumped as Eva pressed her hand to my back, shuffling away from her. Old habits died hard. She was allowed to touch me. There was absolutely nothing wrong with another person coming in contact with me. I had to remember that.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, clearly trying not to jump to conclusions.

I would not freak out on the sidewalk. No one was watching me. No one cared who I was or what I was doing. And if they didn’t like my hair…who cared? It was my hair.

It was my hair.

It was my hair.

I repeated those words over and over so I would stop second-guessing my decision. When I looked in the mirror, I had been happy with what I saw. I needed to remember that.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded. The more I told myself I was fine, the more I might actually believe it. I quickly got into the car and pretended everything was fine and that I hadn’t just flipped out over someone touching me or any of the other thoughts running through my head.

When we pulled up to the mattress store fifteen minutes later, my good mood had dimmed quite a bit. The realization that I had to start making decisions for myself was kicking in, and butterflies swarmed my stomach at the thought.

The moment we stepped foot inside, an overwhelming feeling washed over me. I pressed a hand to my stomach as I let my eyes trail over the rows of mattresses.

“What do I do?”

“You test them out. Lay down on them and find out what you like,” Eva explained.

That sounded simple enough. I laid down on the first and wiggled around. It was fine. Then I laid down on the second and felt pretty much the same way. And the whole time, everyone was watching me.

“They’re fine.”

“Which one?” Vira asked.

“Both.”

“Well, you’ve only tried two. We should keep looking. There are so many to test.”

That’s what I was afraid of. I blew a hair out of my face as a salesman walked over with a smile on his face. “Ladies, are you out shopping for a new mattress today?”

“She is,” Vira pointed at me.

Great. Now the man was staring at me.

“Perfect. What kind of mattress do you like?”

I felt like the room was closing in on me as he watched me, waiting for an answer. What did I like? I didn’t know. Why did he have to ask me such hard questions? It was a mattress. Did it really matter?

“Uh…”

“Hard or soft? What size are you looking for? What about price range? Is there a certain brand you prefer?”

He was firing questions at me faster than I could consider each one. The enormity of it all was overwhelming.

Eva grabbed my hand and tugged me down the aisle. “I think we’ll just test a few more.”

“Are you sure? Let me know if I can help you with anything!” he called out as we rushed past him.

As we got further away, the anxiety I felt started to dissipate, but the looming decision still hung over my head. I started laying down on the beds just to get this over with. They all felt the same. I didn’t know what I was looking for.

“You know, I think any of them are fine,” I said after the fifth mattress.

They both looked at me in shock.

“You just laid on a firm mattress,” Eva said slowly. “And before that, a pillowtop. They were completely different.”

I shrugged, not knowing what to say. “I—” They would never understand what this felt like, to have never made a decision like this, and suddenly have it thrust in my face. I knew nothing about beds and I didn’t know how to pick.

“I don’t know what I like. Firm or soft…I don’t know.”

Vira grinned at me in one of the ways that made me feel like I should have kept my mouth shut. I was just about to tell her we should go home when she suddenly announced that she had a plan. I was dragged out of the store and pushed into the car to head to what I could only imagine was another mattress store.

The thought of them making such a fuss over me and my mattress was really starting to bother me. It was just something I slept on. This should not be an all-day event.

“Really, I think we should just go back to that store and get one of them.”

“You couldn’t even pick one out,” Vira said.

“Because I don’t care.”

“How can you not care? What did you like to sleep on before?”

I shrugged. “Whatever was given to me. I’ve never—” I stopped myself before saying too much. It was strange to talk about these things with anyone but my therapist. With her, I didn’t get the judgmental looks, but would anyone else understand?

“You’ve never what?” Eva asked, glancing over at me.

“Nothing.”

The tires squealed as she hit the brakes and jerked the wheel, taking us to the side of the road as the car behind us laid on the horn. “What are you doing?” I screeched.

“Listen here,” Eva said, yanking her glasses off. “I have no clue what you went through on that island, and I will never know if you don’t tell me. I’m not going to pressure you or force you to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to me, but I am your family, and you can talk to me without judgment. So…yeah.”

“Yeah?” I asked, my lips twitching slightly. The less-than-confident ending actually made this a little easier on me. I was near tears when she practically started yelling at me. But I understood where she was coming from.

“Well, I couldn’t think of a really good ending to that awesome speech. If Cash were here, he’d know exactly what to say.”

“I’m sorry he’s not,” I said sincerely.

“Nope,” she shook her head. “We’re not talking about my pathetic marriage right now. Today is about you and what you need. So, if you need to tell us something, get it off your chest.”

My gaze shifted to Vira in the backseat. “Are you going to yell at me, too?”

“Nope. I think that pretty much covered it.”

It seemed like I didn’t really have a choice.

No. I did have a choice, and I was choosing to let them in. This was important. If I was going to move forward with my life, I couldn’t keep everything bottled up inside.

“Fine, but you have to drive. I don’t need you staring at me the whole time.”

“Fair enough.”

She slid her sunglasses back on and shifted into drive. Once we were back on the road, I finally let go.

“I’ve never had the option of picking anything out for myself.”

“Anything?” Vira asked, her brows furrowed.

I shook my head slowly. “Clothes, bedding, shoes…”

“What about a razor?”

Again, I shook my head. “Everything was chosen by—” Suddenly, it felt like saying his name would make him appear. Before, I stopped saying it as a way to gain control, but now, it was like saying his name would call him back.

“He dictated every single piece of my life. Every second was devoted to him. Even when I had free time, I was only allowed to do things that were approved by him. What I ate, where I went, when I slept…it was all planned by him…” I drifted off, thinking about all those years that I had to be perfect for him.

And the consequences when I wasn’t.

“So, the last time you really made choices for yourself—” Eva started, her eyes growing wide.

“I had just graduated college.” That seemed like a lifetime ago.

“That’s why it was so hard for you to leave the house,” Vira surmised.

I nodded. “Surprisingly, today didn’t feel as hard,” I chuckled. “But I think that was because I’d already been at the nut house.”

When they didn’t laugh, I sighed heavily. “Don’t go stiff on me now.”

“You’re mocking yourself,” Eva said.

“Well, yeah. If I don’t laugh about it, then I’d cry about it, and I really don’t want to break down in tears every five minutes.”

Vira huffed in the back seat. “If he was alive, I’d twist his balls until they snapped off and then shove them in his mouth.”

Part of me wished that I had been strong enough to do that, but right now, I just had to focus on moving on. We pulled up to another mattress store, but this one looked expensive.

Eva smirked at me. “Come on, Izzy. Let’s go get you the best fucking mattress, you’ll ever sleep on.”